Please help. So upset

[Coool]

Today is one of a few times recently where nursery have pulled me to one side when I've collected my little boy to discuss his behaviour with me, hitting, pulling, throwing toys at etc. Other children.

He is 2 and is quite boisterous although is never terrible for hurting us at home, the occasional hit when he doesn't get his own way and is frustrated but not as often as it appears to be at nursery.

I'm trying the ignore method of just telling him mummy doesn't want to play when he does that and it does seem o work there and then but obviously after a little while he'll be back to doing whatever it was again. I know everyone says it's normal for a toddler but I worry so much and I always feel like it's just him when I'm the only one pulled out of a group of parents to be spoken to or sign a form about him hitting another child. To be honest I just feel so embarrassed.

I'm not particularly happy with his nursery for a number of reasons, I don't feel he gets the attention he needs and I don't feel the staff are consistent there there is always someone new or different in the room whenever I drop or collect him, a number of other parents have also aired to be that they have a bad feeling about it too and aren't sure what to do, I know a couple who've already left because they, in their words, 'didnt get on with the place'. He thrived so much in the baby room but since moving to this one just before Xmas has gone downhill.

He will absolutely not nap there. He just won't. Even though at home he'll nap for at least an hour. I think, and nursery agree, this is what is triggering the anger and frustration a lot of the time. But I just don't know what to do.

Today though I just think how has he been allowed to be so awful? The form I signed said he'd hit 'multiple children which were all witnessed by staff'. They know that he's struggling with frustration and tiredness at the moment and will lash out due to this because I literally went in and spoke to them about my concerns a week ago. He won't just hit randomly, he hits when he gets annoyed, will scream and get angry and then hit. So how has it been allowed to have multiple times like today with no one intervening? Is that an unreasonable expectation? To expect nursery workers to be intervening if they see him getting annoyed and know he's a hitter and hasn't slept that day?

I'm already making enquiries regarding new nurseries although loads are full. Childminders are like gold dust and I can't find one at all.

I'm so worried my son is going to be labelled one of 'those' children and there is something unusual in his behaviour. I feel so upset and stressed about it. He's such a happy little boy and loves cuddles and laughing and playing nicely. He just gets frustrated by things and will lash out sometimes but I feel like it's just happening too much at nursery right now.

I think nursery can't really win in such situations. If they step in too early they can be accused of being heavy handed. Do they have enough staff to one to one? They have a duty to keep other children safe so it probably is not easy to anticipate. By all means look to move him, it may be another nursery suits him better, but you do need to tackle underlying causes and work withthem. How many kids are in the same room?

He's also started with night terrors in the last few months which he never had before.

My first thought was that it sounds like he doesn't like nursery, he doesn't sound very happy there. Do you have any other options, perhaps a childminder /quieter environment would suit him better?

Sorry just saw you addressed childminder issue. Smaller setting then maybe?

I've messaged some nurseries already and am waiting to hear back. I went to see one I really liked the feel of a few weeks ago but unfortunately they had no spaces.

He's not totally happy there no. I don't think he's miserable (he doesn't scream and cry on drop off like he did up until a couple of months ago) but he won't sleep and behaves much worse there it seems than he does here. Although we do also have periods of days where they say he's been great and they've not had any problems with him. Napping is the biggest trigger I think, if he doesn't sleep he has a terrible afternoon with them.

I think you definitely need to change nursery, but I also don't agree with the advice to ignore bad behaviour. Small children need to be actively taught how to behave properly, and we need to model good behaviour and boundaries to them. Ignoring their behaviour does not do that.

I'm honestly not trying to be dickish but:

"I'm trying the ignore method of just telling him mummy doesn't want to play when he does that" - if this is when he is hitting, then you are teaching him that hitting is playing.

Nurseries usually tell kids "kind hands please" or "we have gentle hands here" - more effective to tell the child what you do want instead of what you don't.

When I say ignore I mean a sort of time out, but one where I leave the room instead if that makes sense? We tried a timeout where he had to sit somewhere but he just constantly gets up and I've found me telling him 'we don't hit, mummy doesn't want to play when you hit' and then me leaving seems to work the best. He will get upset that I've left and after 2 mins is up will say sorry and give a cuddle and kiss.

So not literally ignoring it I should have been clearer.

One of my problems is nursery won't do this. They told me they aren't allowed to do any form of time outs. Instead they sit with him separately from the other children and do the 'kind hands' speech. I honestly think he understands better that it's unacceptable though it you tell him we don't hit / use kind hands etc and then "ignore" for 2 mins i.e. walk away and don't engage with him for that time. So like a time out but without the need for him to literally sit on a step.

If I try to sit and talk to him he will just laugh/hit again, not really understand that he's done something wrong. It feels like there is no consequence.

The thing is, the nursery can't adapt different disciplines for different children.
What works for your son won't work for everybody else, and if they ended up tailoring their discipline to each child they'd have no time on their hands, and confuse the children.

I don't think the nursery are in the wrong for not disciplining your son the way you do.
And as for nap times, is he at a point of dropping naps? Around the age of 2 is normal for a child to drop a nap and they normally tend to drop it in a childcare setting first from my experience as it's busier and there's a lot more people around. If he was that tired, he'd go to sleep there. They have quiet / nap times.

The nursery have a duty to keep the other children safe and if your son is hitting multiple children and pulling multiple children, you need to address this. All children will hit / bite / pinch sometimes but it sounds like the nursery are struggling to discipline him. Moving nurseries may not change that, they may be in the same boat. Or it may help, if there's less children and it's a bit quieter. The other Mums may well be airing their concerns of the nurseries capabilities because their child is coming home each day being hit and pulled.

Personally I find one of the biggest benefits to children this age and their behaviour routine.

If he won't nap at nursery then just drop the nap completely and work on increasing night time sleep by the extra hour (or half hour either side) to replace the nap.

At 2, routine is a major player their development so it won't be helping that he is on two different schedules at nursery and at home. Consistency is critical.

I would try this before you change nursery as that could unsettle him even more and set you back.