What to tell kids when you seperate?

[Jessierabbitssista]

Recently split from ex. Have young children together under 7. He was controlling and emotionally abusive to me which is why I left. The kids keep asking me why I left and got a new house and I don't quite know how to answer them.

The kids have contact regularly with their dad, and our relationship troubles were kept mostly out of their way when together.

I just don't know what to tell them. Any ideas or advice?
Thanks

I suppose think about why they are asking. Is it because there’s a vacuum of information - they see mum and dad get along well and they need to understand why this doesn’t mean you can still be together.

I told mine that we get along as friends but it’s best if we don’t live together and share a bed anymore because that wasn’t making us happy any more. We are happy as friends.

As they’ve got older, I’ve been able to reveal slightly more and I think over time it’ll be an on-going conversation based on their life experiences and levels of emotional maturity.

He displays similar behaviours to them sometimes as he did to me, so I feel it helps them to have the tools to know how best to deal with him and know that ‘it’s not them’ (because they sometimes think dad knows best and when he’s critical or controlling, it really goes in deep with them if I don’t create that space for them by saying, this is a dad thing not a you thing, you do you).

i did some research before I spoke to my kids about it and the option which I went for is

Imagine our family is like puzzle pieces. The Fred piece goes with the mummy piece and the Sophie piece goes with the mummy piece. And they fit together with each other. And they each fit together with the daddy piece. But the mummy and daddy piece don’t fit together anymore which is why we’ve moved into a different house.

I really liked it because it side steps fault, blame and reasons but is true, clear and easy to understand. It also feels permenant and I felt emphasised the fact that we wouldn’t get back together

In reality we no longer live together because their father is a twat but I’m waiting for them to realise that for themselves…

I was fairly honest with my eldest who was 7 ish. Daddy wasn't happy and had decided he'd be happier living somewhere else. Didn't mean he didn't love her, she'd still see him blah blah blah. I made to sure to keep any reference to "mummy" "me and daddy" "daddy and I" out of it. It was not a mutual split and I played no part in it. I said that me her and her siblings were a new team - sometimes players leave like daddy. But I wouldn't be going anywhere and that we would be just fine

@Chat22455 me and their dad haven't slept in the same bed for years 🤣 we were affectionate at times and the kids saw that, but I did nearly all child care, I did all nights with them. However now we're split he's seeing them more than he ever has and they are seeing me much less than what's normal for them and that's the main confusion I think. That and why did I have to get a New house ? I feel like I've walked out on them. I never thought he'd bother to pick up the slack but he has and here we are now.

@Namechange224422 I like that idea, thankyou. Be good to have an actual puzzle like that.

@usererror99 I'm sorry you all had to go through that. What an arse! I feel like I walked out on them, I always was the primary carer, he never bothered really when we were together,only when it suited him. He's now putting inspiration much effort to ensure he sees them 50/50, although I think that's to get at me because he knows they're my world. I sometimes wish I'd never left him, despite him being unbearable to live with in the end, because now I don't see my kids everyday and that breaks my heart.

@Jessierabbitssista if you think he’s just doing it to get at you have you tried being positive about it to him for a bit? “I’m really impressed with how you’ve stepped up with the kids. It’ll be so much better for your long term relationship. And of course it lets me move on with my life and focus on my career too which is helpful “ . Possibly in tandem with some Facebook checkins at nice bars, pics of you looking glam etc.

@Namechange224422
Good idea 🤣