My father shouted at ds 3

[summerfinn]

At the moment we live with my father to help him afford to stay in his home as he can't afford the rent or bills himself. We decided to do this as we are currently saving to buy our own house . To cut a long story short it's not been great my father is not a nice person and has done a number of nasty things towards me since we moved in. We are doing our best to not live with him anymore. Including my DP working until 11pm every night to get a promotion in work so we can buy our house sooner. I decided to just keep it on a surface pleasant level with my father and avoid him when possible.

Yesterday we decided to ask him to have dinner with us. DS who is only gone three is having a lot of big emotions lately and will cry and go into a huge tantrum if we say no to him. Well yesterday this happened at the dinner . My Ds was crying and having a tantrum which we were talking gently to him and remaining calm whilst still saying no to his request. My dad out of nowhere shouted at him saying "put a sock in it". I was so angry . But didn't show it and calmly removed DS from the table. I'm so anger how could anyone say that to a three year old. He is an angry man that if I said what you did was wrong he would start shouting at me. I'm not going to say anything to him but I'm so sad that his actions have now passed on to my DS.

We were considering inviting him on holiday with us out of niceness as he won't have a holiday without us inviting him but I can't do that now.

My dad is similar to this, OP. He’s lost his rag (briefly but loudly, in very much the way you describe) with my children a few times.

I do several things to mitigate: The longest we’ve ever stayed with my parents is 3 weeks, and he’s only been alone with my son once. Obviously I keep distance between them and him, because I know what he was like when I was a child and how it affected me. But I do think the crucial difference is that I had no-one to protect me, but my children have me. So I make sure to leap to their defence, I NEVER let him (or my mum for that matter) get away with it, and I let my children see me standing up for them. It’s not ideal, but as a friend recently said, not all grandmas have sweets in their handbags, and we can learn a lot from the older generation.

You’re doing all you can to move out, that’s clear. And maybe once you have you can consider the holiday. But do it on your terms. I wouldn’t dream of taking my dad on holiday, but I think my sister would, if he was on his own, and he’s the same with her kids 🤷‍♀️

You both need the holiday from each other, don’t take him.

I can't wait until we buy our house. We could have stayed in our previous rental as long as we liked. But when his relationship broke up he started saying how he was going to be homeless and I nearly felt guilted into helping him out . I feel foolish . I knew what my father was like in the past and throughout my childhood but felt obligated because my only other sibling lives abroad. But after the last few months of living here and what I have put up with as a grown woman. I will never help him out again.

He threw our lawnmower out of the shed at force a few weeks ago and also my sons play tray was thrown out of the shed and left in the rain after I spent almost an hour cleaning it. He's just an angry old man who's not getting better in his old age like I assumed. I clean the house , ds does the gardens . We have been cooking him dinner a couple of times a week. He literally doesn't have to lift a finger. Btw he's 66 so not ancient and still working. I'm just fed up.

I agree.

Why wait for a home purchase? Just get another rental and move out now. Your father can always claim UC to help with his bills. If he has to downsize, that’s his problem not yours.

It's a lottery system to find a decent rental in my country at the moment. It's next to impossible to get anywhere to rent. We definitely would have if that was a possibility. Regular people on good salary's that aren't home owners are becoming homeless. I wish I was exaggerating. This is even taking into consideration moving somewhere very rural. Your talking 3500 for a three bed. 🙈😭

I have found that our parents generation sometimes doesn't really understand these new "parenting techniques". How you handling your child tantrum is excellent. Your dad propably thinks that as you remain calm, you are ignoring the tantrum and fail to teach a "lesson". You need to explain it to him what are you doing and why, and tell him to be on board with it. Even if he isn't agree, you need to tell him that screaming to the child is unexplainable.
Ignoring communication is never a right path!

It could be partially generational be I think it's just how my father is. He speaks to me in the same manner if I question his behaviour about anything. I don't think avoiding communication is ideal either but I really don't want to be shouted at and to be put into a situation where I feel vulnerable. I have in the past tried to speak to my father about these issues but he thinks his way is the only way and excuses his behaviour away. He reminds me of a Neanderthal 🙈 so little emotional intelligence.