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Original poster

Family members and support with baby

17 replies

M2B91 · 15/04/2023 08:52

Hi all,
I’m a first time mum to an almost 9 month old at 32 (31 when little one was born) my partner and I have several siblings each all with children. There are 7 grandchildren on my side (not including my own) ranging from 2 years - 8 years and 4 on my partner side ranging from 2 years - 7 years.
The reason for my post is I am feeling really unsupported by grandparents on both sides. It seems they want to spend time with all the other grandchildren but not mine. My sisters got lots of help with their first babies when they were small and my mother in law also helped my sister in laws a lot with their babies when small.
I completely understand that they have to split their time now between many grandchildren, just seems like my little girl is the last to be thought of on both sides and I can’t help but feel resentful that my own sisters and partners sisters didn’t get this treatment when their babies were small.
I’ve spoken to my mum about this and she’s said that circumstances are different now which I completely understand but it still really gets to me.
My partners step mum has just messaged me saying that she is taking my daughters cousins out for the day and was we around later to pop in. Straight away I felt upset that there has never been an offer to have our little one when I know they did it for my sister in laws children when they were small.
I don’t know how to get over this and don’t think it will ever change. I guess all the grandparents just prefer the older children now and the ‘baby novelty’ has worn off.
I’m also pregnant again (baby due beginning of august!) which will make things even harder! My mother in law is away in holiday when we are due and my sister in law made a point of it saying she wouldn’t be here for the new baby. I said ‘it’s ok I don’t think she knew the due date when she booked!’ - my mother in laws response - ‘even if I did! I would have still booked it!’ This is the kind of treatment we are getting. No one is interested. No one bothered and it just feels really lonely.
Additionally my partner and I were always around as a spare pair of hands for all our siblings children before our little girl was born. We would often babysit or help out on family outings and there just isn’t that support there from our siblings as of course they have their own children.
Any words of advice to stop me feeling so crap and resentful about this would be great!
Thank you x

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SleepingisanArt · 15/04/2023 09:00

Babies are not very interesting I'm afraid. If you are taking older children out as a grandparent it really changes the dynamic to have to look after a baby too. You may find they are more helpful when your baby is older and can be included in activities. Sorry if that sounds harsh....

kirsty2023 · 15/04/2023 09:12

M2B91 · 15/04/2023 08:52

Hi all,
I’m a first time mum to an almost 9 month old at 32 (31 when little one was born) my partner and I have several siblings each all with children. There are 7 grandchildren on my side (not including my own) ranging from 2 years - 8 years and 4 on my partner side ranging from 2 years - 7 years.
The reason for my post is I am feeling really unsupported by grandparents on both sides. It seems they want to spend time with all the other grandchildren but not mine. My sisters got lots of help with their first babies when they were small and my mother in law also helped my sister in laws a lot with their babies when small.
I completely understand that they have to split their time now between many grandchildren, just seems like my little girl is the last to be thought of on both sides and I can’t help but feel resentful that my own sisters and partners sisters didn’t get this treatment when their babies were small.
I’ve spoken to my mum about this and she’s said that circumstances are different now which I completely understand but it still really gets to me.
My partners step mum has just messaged me saying that she is taking my daughters cousins out for the day and was we around later to pop in. Straight away I felt upset that there has never been an offer to have our little one when I know they did it for my sister in laws children when they were small.
I don’t know how to get over this and don’t think it will ever change. I guess all the grandparents just prefer the older children now and the ‘baby novelty’ has worn off.
I’m also pregnant again (baby due beginning of august!) which will make things even harder! My mother in law is away in holiday when we are due and my sister in law made a point of it saying she wouldn’t be here for the new baby. I said ‘it’s ok I don’t think she knew the due date when she booked!’ - my mother in laws response - ‘even if I did! I would have still booked it!’ This is the kind of treatment we are getting. No one is interested. No one bothered and it just feels really lonely.
Additionally my partner and I were always around as a spare pair of hands for all our siblings children before our little girl was born. We would often babysit or help out on family outings and there just isn’t that support there from our siblings as of course they have their own children.
Any words of advice to stop me feeling so crap and resentful about this would be great!
Thank you x

Hi m2b91 I know it's hard but if it was me I wouldn't even reply to txts or calls for a bit and see what happens spend as much time with ur little one as u can and enjoy it they are the ones missing out on spending time with ur little one x

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 09:19

You just have to accept it I am afraid.

You know what’s behind it - it’s not that the GPS don’t love you, it’s just that they are over the baby stage and your kids came late to the party.

While it’s lovely when GPS help out, they are under no obligation to do so. They already raised their kids.

It’s likely they will get more interested when your kids are older, but you will always likely get the thin end of the wedge on childcare.

The best way to manage this is to remove all expectations of help from your mind, and make specific limited requests when you do want help - eg, could you take the toddler for an afternoon on the Sat and Wed after the baby is born? And then put it in their diary. Vagueness about what you want help with is a killer in these situations.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old 9-12 months old Babies & sleep Families
Original poster
M2B91 · 15/04/2023 10:08

I completely get that grandparents are under no obligation to help with grandkids but when all other siblings receive plenty of help it can leave a sour taste in your mouth. I don’t even get messages asking how she is from any of the grandparents (the message today from step man was a shock asking if they could pop in!) Once again I know their hands are full with so many grandchildren and they are spinning plates. I’d also hate to be that mother who has expectations on others when I know full well my baby is completely mine and my partner’s responsibility!
You are right though. I just need to accept we arrived late to the party and hope that when my babies get older we will feel more included and just take any help or support now as a bonus. I also probably need to reach out more if I am struggling and be more specific.
Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
M2B91 · 15/04/2023 10:09

Yeah I think I’m just going to have to suck it up and hope it changes when my babies get older!

OP posts:
Original poster
M2B91 · 15/04/2023 10:17

No I think you are correct. I even find older kids more interesting! Just wish I felt the same support as my siblings all had when their babies were young but I guess the grandparents only had the babies to think of and not the older ones back then. I’m sure my little girl will definitely be included more as she gets older x

OP posts:
7Worfs · 15/04/2023 10:18

OP - focus on the positives - your children will have an amazing childhood with so many similar-aged cousins, lots of aunts and uncles, and grandparents!

Do not sour relationships and exclude your family unit over bruised feelings (which I totally understand and relate to!).

Babies needs their parents the most, so you and your DH need to do the main child rearing, and only ask for occasional support when you absolutely need it. At the same time, do visits and host, the young cousins especially. 😊 Focus on fostering the cousins relationships for your children’s benefit, and find the joy in that.

In a few years time, you’ll have amazing summers and holiday family gatherings.

Original poster
M2B91 · 15/04/2023 10:18

Sorry all I really don’t know how to use these threads 😂. I think I’m responding to people individually and now I see all my comments have just been added to the end. Hope it makes sense!

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 15/04/2023 10:21

My in laws openly say they've got too many grandchildren to be interested in the youngest. Plus they're so much older than when the first was a baby. It's not fair but there you go.

Original poster
M2B91 · 15/04/2023 10:21

7Worfs · 15/04/2023 10:18

OP - focus on the positives - your children will have an amazing childhood with so many similar-aged cousins, lots of aunts and uncles, and grandparents!

Do not sour relationships and exclude your family unit over bruised feelings (which I totally understand and relate to!).

Babies needs their parents the most, so you and your DH need to do the main child rearing, and only ask for occasional support when you absolutely need it. At the same time, do visits and host, the young cousins especially. 😊 Focus on fostering the cousins relationships for your children’s benefit, and find the joy in that.

In a few years time, you’ll have amazing summers and holiday family gatherings.

Thank you for such a helpful response! It made me emotional. You are absolutely right. I love all my family and would hate for anything to turn sour.
my little ones are very lucky to have so many wonderful cousins and we will do what we can to ensure we make the most of those relationships.
I know the grandparents love her too. Circumstances are just different. I definitely need to start seeing things more positively and a huge, loving family is exactly that!
Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
M2B91 · 15/04/2023 10:22

Flittingaboutagain · 15/04/2023 10:21

My in laws openly say they've got too many grandchildren to be interested in the youngest. Plus they're so much older than when the first was a baby. It's not fair but there you go.

Glad you can relate! It seems like this is the case in many big families. Sucks for us in terms of support but I guess we both need to start seeing the positives of a big, loving family ❤️

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 15/04/2023 10:23

No doubt your kids will get the same attention once they are older and independent. As grandparents age and get used to being able to take grandkids to shows, or just look after them where they are pretty independent and self-sufficient, it’s too hard to go back to nappies and little things that are high maintenance.

Original poster
M2B91 · 15/04/2023 10:26

HoppingPavlova · 15/04/2023 10:23

No doubt your kids will get the same attention once they are older and independent. As grandparents age and get used to being able to take grandkids to shows, or just look after them where they are pretty independent and self-sufficient, it’s too hard to go back to nappies and little things that are high maintenance.

Most definitely,
Thank you for helping me see this from a different angle without feeling resentful x

OP posts:
JamMakingWannaBe · 15/04/2023 10:39

HoppingPavlova · 15/04/2023 10:23

No doubt your kids will get the same attention once they are older and independent. As grandparents age and get used to being able to take grandkids to shows, or just look after them where they are pretty independent and self-sufficient, it’s too hard to go back to nappies and little things that are high maintenance.

Unfortunately I'm not so sure. OP has not given the age of the grandparents but in another 8 years time they may not feel able to do the childcare they are doing now.

OP, my DC's are the youngest in the wider family and my parents actually moved nearer to my DSis when she started her family. It is what it is.

Original poster
M2B91 · 15/04/2023 10:56

JamMakingWannaBe · 15/04/2023 10:39

Unfortunately I'm not so sure. OP has not given the age of the grandparents but in another 8 years time they may not feel able to do the childcare they are doing now.

OP, my DC's are the youngest in the wider family and my parents actually moved nearer to my DSis when she started her family. It is what it is.

Show quote history

All grandparents are in their late 50s so quite young really. I’m sure they will do more with our little ones as they get older. Some of them are still working part time themselves so I do know they have a lot to juggle and don’t want to come across righteous. I‘ve just noticed the difference between support and attention for my baby (and baby on way) compared to everyone else. I am going to follow advice from others and take all the positives of many cousins and a big family and foster it rather than become bitter though!
I think once our babies get older they will definitely be more included and have more attention thrown their way. I’ve just got to get through these first few tough years and maybe invite everyone over as much as possible and specifically ask for help when I really need it x

OP posts:
Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 15/04/2023 11:08

Yeah I have this, youngest of 4, so there has never been the same level of enthusiasm for when I graduated / got married / had kids as everyone had already done it. But now it’s great, lots of family parties that are automatically kid friendly and lots of cousins to play with my kids so I get to catch up with the grownups. Interestingly I had this chat with my eldest sibling and they found it hard when they had the only baby in the family as we’d celebrate a birthday with an 8pm meal in a fancy restaurant or book a totally baby unfriendly day out and she missed lots of stuff or was in a room trying to keep a baby quiet. She also found the grandparents to be overly intense and opinionated as hers was the only baby. So I guess there are pluses and minuses to being the first and the last.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 15/04/2023 11:14

If you babysat for your siblings when their kids were younger then don't be afraid to ask for a return favour.

"Hey sis, remember when I looked after DN so you could go to that wedding? Well DP & I have a wedding on X date, can you return the favour and watch DC for us?"

That's a completely reasonable request.

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