Child rejects me after holiday

[HannahLauren]

I am hoping that someone can help as I feel like the worst mum and like me son doesn’t love me anymore!

When I was eight months pregnant (November 2021) my dad took his own life. He had huge health problems and didn’t want to carry on. Of course this was terribly traumatic - and still is.

However, my son was born shortly afterwards. He is the absolute love of my life. When I’m not working, I’m with him. I breast fed until very recently, so I would tend to be the one my son went to if he was upset - or if he woke up in the middle of the night - over my husband.

Earlier this year, a travel agent called and told my mum and I that we had a trip booked to India. Before my dad died, he had booked us a trip to India - a place we had always dreamed of going. We had no idea.

it was for ten days. Worried about leaving my son, I really thought about not going. But, then I felt guilty for not fulfilling my dad’s wishes, and my mum missing out on an experience with me.

So I went. I missed my son like mad - but had an unforgettable experience.

I came back two days ago and my son won’t even look at me. Every time he cries and I pick him up, he screams even more and reaches out for his dad.

i know this is my fault for going - my son must have been so confused and upset separated from me for ten days - but I’m really taking it to heart. I just want to mend the relationship and build back his trust.

im hoping to get some words of advice here.

thanks so much in advance.

How old is your son?

He was born Dec 2021 @Makewayforsummer so would have been between 12 and 15 months when op took the holiday

He’ll be fine in a couple of days.

Op it sounds as though you’ve been through an incredibly traumatic time with the loss of your father and then also having to process the huge change that comes with motherhood. To start with I’m just sending you an un mn hug.

Op I had a slightly shorter absence from my child at a not dissimilar age due to an illness and operation, which required radioactive treatment so I couldn’t be near l.o.

When I came back he was understandably upset. I followed the same advice they give around bonding with younger children - promote skin to skin, taking him swimming so lots of natural touching and bonding, read him lots of stories. Let him go at his pace to readjust to you being back.

He will be fine in a couple of days. Enjoy only doing the fun bits for a bit. They go through these phases even if you don’t go on holiday! Sometimes my DC won’t let daddy do a single thing for him and it’s all mummy then it switches!

Well done for going I think it was brave if you and absolutely the right thing to do.
It will just take a few days for him to recover.
My car doesn't speak to me for days if I go on holiday.
You're his mummy - if will be fine just go back to normal and he will to. Take lots of walks with him and fun things.

Cat! Not car

Op try to fit your own oxygen max as they say. Try to get sleep, not worry about this, eat well and get exercise. You’ve had a very difficult time and need to try to keep yourself well.

My dd was born with 3 months after your son.
I left her for 7 days and she was a bit off when i came back but is now fine.
I think the fact i was very consistent and neutral really helped.

You sound (understandably) hugely emotional you lost your dad which is very traumatic but the way your describe your son is kind of intense.

If you are feeling all these extreme emotions your son WILL pick up on it.

My advice:
Stop blaming yourself its fine to go away for 10days. And its done now so cantbe changed)
Regulate your emotions
Find time to chill out together. Let him potter about with toys and have some fun together. Fun light interactions.
Let his dad comfort him if thats what he wants.
Offer snacks and hugs

Another idea op that I seem to remember using - sleep with one of his cot sheets in your bed and then put it on his cot, to get him used to your smell.

I'm so sorry that you lost your Dad in such traumatic circumstances. Well done for going on the trip I'm sure it meant so much to your Mum.

I just wanted to say that I went away for 2 nights to a wedding last summer and my 15 month old had the same response for a couple of days. It really shook me and I hadn't met anyone else who's child did it before. I felt so guilty. However I just carried on as normal and he soon went back to his usual self and we continue to have the most beautiful bond.
I read it was some kind of protective attachment response. He's usually a pretty clingy child, I call him my Velcro baby.
Try not to worry too much, I'm sure things will feel back to normal again v soon.

This is totally normal, in my experience. My oldest did it when I came home from hospital after having an in patient stay. I’ve heard friends say it happened after they came home from giving birth. It will be back to normal in a couple of days, it’s not a permanent change. So sorry about your dad, but a huge well done for taking the trip - that’s something you and your mum will always remember, long after your son has forgotten your absence!

Stop feeling guilty, he will soon get back to normal. If he senses you feeling bad that won’t help. I know it’s easier said than done but just try to slot back into his life. A few days is an eternity to a 1 year old so by the end of the week he will have forgotten you ever went away. In the mean time try to find activities he will love eg blowing bubbles, getting something messy out to play with. Basically anything he isn’t always allowed to do.

Are things any better now, op?

Thank you so much for the support everyone. Your messages really, really helped me a huge amount.

My son, Tommy, is completely back to normal. I had a bath with him - some skin to skin - took him to the park on my own. Just took a day or two as suggested.

His top tooth came through yesterday - so I think that is why he has been so out of sorts as well.

Thank you so much again for being so supportive and understanding. It means the world.

Ahhhhhhhhhh he is gorgeous! What a darling!

You look very happy together there. Yes teething can be so uncomfortable so that makes total sense. Really glad to hear all is well and don’t forget to keep looking after yourself as well as your lovely ds.