Teen Daughter / Body Issues / Mom not around

[Maxx55]

Hello everyone, I am looking for some parental advice. First let me say that I am father of two kids, a 19 y.o. son and a 15 y.o. daughter. My wife (kid's mom) passed away a year ago in a car accident that also claimed the life of the kid's grandmother. I have not remarried and I have not even been dating as I have been too busy with work and trying to be involved with all of my kids activities.

My son has graduated high school and has his first post high school full time job and I couldn't be more proud.

My concern however is my daughter. My daughter is very active in school activities.....gymnastics and she's on the swim team which she loves....her mother always said that she took swimming like a duck takes to water. Anyway, my daughter came to me the other day and something was bothering her. I could just tell....She said she felt a little weird about talking to me and said that this is a "girl issue" and she would have approached mom, but due to the circumstances, she couldn't.

I told her that I would be as open and understanding as much as I can and that she should feel comfortable coming to me about her problems. I asked what was bothering her.

Well as I mentioned she is in gymnastics and swimming and in high school after your activities are over, you go to the showers and get changed etc. She said that she is embarrassed to go to the showers with the other girls because she feels self-conscious about her body and specifically her "girls" (her word for breasts). She started crying and said that she has been teased by some of the other girls for having "old woman boobs" - i.e. hers are not very "perky" (her words). She has even openly wondered if hers can be "fixed" by a doctor.

Now needless to say, me talking to my daughter about her breasts are way outside of my comfort zone and I agree with her - she should be talking to her mom about this....but that just isn't possible. The last time I saw nude was when she was still in diapers. The closest I have seen her that way is when she is wearing her bathing suit at the water park. While I have taken her to her girl doctor visits, I stay in the waiting room until the very end when the nurse comes and gets me. By this time she has already changed out of the gown and back into her clothes.

As she was crying on my shoulder I told her that every person is born unique and with the exception of identical twins, no one is really the same. I told her that her hair, her eyes, her nose, and yes her "girls" are what make her, her. That seemed to help, but I can tell it's still bugging her. Over the last couple of days I have seen several visits made to "breast augmentation" websites on the family computer.

Does anyone have any advice for a freaked out dad who is very uncomfortable talking to his daughter about such things?

I would personally suggest trying to find her a different swim environment if at all possible, although it's understandably rarely very possible so soon. Additionally, I suggest finding books for teenage girls with developing bodies, such as The Care and Keeping of You (I suggest the second one for older teen girls). It can be a very awkward and uncomfortable situation, especially for you as a father in this situation, but it might be a good idea to get over that awkwardness so that you can help her find bras, clothing, and swimwear that make her more confident and talk to her about her feelings rather than her feeling like she needs to go behind your back and look for ways to resolve the problem. It could also be smart to find her a counselor or therapist to help talk through her feelings and insecurities as well.

It is important to consider that breast augmentation can sometimes not always but more often than not interfere with breastfeeding later down the road.

Some types of breast surgeries 100% eliminate all breastfeeding possibilities. While some guarantee preservation of breastfeeding this cannot and shouldn’t be guaranteed and they can lower breastfeeding quality and comfort even if it’s saved which can mean the difference between the chance to fully exclusively breastfed if she do chooses and formula feeding.

No pair of breasts are the same. This is why I hate communal changing rooms for sports. Everyone should have their privacy when changing. While it might feel like the end of the world for her now. If surgery interferes with her ability to breastfeed as an adult she might have regrets.

As a mother, aunt and woman I personally would try to encourage her to accept her body as it is and try to remind her that it’s still going to change a LOT. 15 is still very youthful and at this age body image can feel like it trumps everything. Not to mention her breasts will change a lot well into her mid 20’s. At 15 I hated my breasts. They were small A cups. I could still technically get away with training bras and they were “banana” shaped in my opinion and not like the “teens” in the movies with nice round breasts. Which was my opinion of what they should look like. I later learned the “teen” actresses I was comparing to where often much older and sometimes well into their 20’s.

When I was in my early 20’s my tiny breasts became DD’s. While my body was pretty much done growing in terms of height at 15 breasts seem to be the exception to the rule here.

Not to mention breasts implants need to be replaced every decade or two which is not common knowledge. She should be made aware of this. It’s a big commitment.

I frankly wouldn’t allow her to do this to herself because of a few mean girls opinions. Sometimes girls will find any flaws in other girls (and even invent flaws that don’t exist) to make them feel better about their own flaws.

I'm my experience bullies will find SOMETHING to pick on. Often irrationally. This is not about her breasts as such, this is a bullying issue and needs tackling that way.

I want to say thank you for your responses thus far. I greatly appreciate it and I knew this situation, or something like it, would come up back when she was 8 before puberty hit and I was kinda dreading it...but I always thought it would be handled by having a "mother - daughter" type talk with her mother.

DaniAnnie - I have ordered the book you mentioned - "The Care & Keeping of You 2" and so that should be here in the next few days.

I also took your advice and decided that today was going to be a "father / daughter day" and we went to the mall. We stopped by a salon where she got her hair done and a manicure & pedicure.

After that we went to a specialty shop that specialize in lady's clothing and undergarments. There were a couple of ladies working there and they were awesome. One of the ladies is in a similar situation and so she knew what both of us were going through. She took my daughter deeper into the store while I waited. After some time, they were able to pick out some nice outfits, some age appropriate undergarments. We then went a grabbed some dinner and we are now home. She's in her room now but she said "thank you for taking care of me today and making it not "weird" and she gave me a big hug.

Maybe this isn't going to be as bad as I thought....but one day at a time.

SpookyMom - I 100% agree with you regarding communal changing rooms. I dreaded going to the locker room myself when I was in high school. I am also going to be talking to her swimming coach and gymnastic coach about what is going on. Honestly I haven't been a lady's locker room so I am not sure if there is a private area to shower and change....there should be...but I will asking the coaches.

Your comment made me tear up a little. You are a fantastic father. I lost mine recently so your story really moved me. Losing a parent and partner is incredibly difficult. But you two will get through this one day at a time. You are being very supportive. She won’t ever forget what you’ve done for her. 💕

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Stop replying to this guys, reported

Hello everyone. Sorry for the long delay.....work, work, work, school activities, doctor visits, work, etc.

Anyway some updates. Last weekend was my nephew's birthday - he turned 15 y.o. and while there I had a chance to talk to my sister-in-law and I told her some of the issues that I was having and the issues that her niece was experiencing. She completely understood what was going on. We sat my daughter down with her aunt and said if she ever need to have "girl talk" without dad, she could call her auntie. Her auntie wanted to make sure that my daughter had an extra resource to talk to...anytime, day or night.....and that she was loved.

We are taking things one at a time and for the time being she has withdrawn from active participating in gymnastics....she hurt her knee and her sports medicine dr. has advised her to take it easy. It's a day to day thing at the moment and she's on crutches. Reminds me of my days of playing Hockey - ouch.

Anyway - I appreciate the support.