1yr old and sex drive

[notfeelingittttt]

I have a 1yr old and I'm struggling with libido, or lack of it.

DH and I have had sex plenty of times since LO was born. Initially it was quite uncomfortable as I had a lot going on post partum, physically and more than likely PND.

I've had instances where I'm up for it and enjoyed it, but over the last couple of months it's just not happening. I'm back at work, and honestly I am bloody knackered all the time. DH keeps trying for sex but it's happening once in a blue moon as I just cannot muster the enthusiasm. I would rather be sleeping, or getting a load of washing on, or any other mundane task that needs doing.

Now, I know it's totally normal to have hormonal shifts post partum, but DS is a year old, and I'm not BF so I would have hoped that hormone changes would have settled by now.

DH is a great Dad, he genuinely does more than a lot of Dads I know, he's helpful around the house, he's thoughtful and encourages me to take time for myself. I do take on all of the mental load which I don't think helps, my brain is always going a million mph.

The thing that's getting to me is he has asked a couple of times if I need to speak to someone about the lack of sex drive, and it just makes me want to bash him on the nose, as if it's my fault and something that I need to fix. Which I probably do, but I resent the insinuation.

Those that have been through this, please give me your wisdom on how to get my drive back? Or alternatively a way to tell DH to give me a bit of space without losing my temper, and equally without making him feel unwanted.

Probably not a popular opinion but I found the more I have sex the more I want it.

You don't owe your husband sex but if it's a big deal to him and important in a relationship to him, he deserves to have a sex life.

What about doing some date nights? Or non sexual intimacy like cuddling on the sofa and lots of kisses? I found after DD I needed 'warming up' a lot more. I can't snap into a 'quicky' mood. DH is kind in the bedroom through and that helped.

We try and aim for twice a week. Sometimes it's less sometimes it's more. But maybe get him to take over some of the mental load but it sounds like apart from that, you're both pulling your weights.

How often are you having sex?
Do you have any other intimacy, cuddles and kisses etc?
Are you still sexually attracted to him?
Do you have any sort of sex drive?

You need someone to take the toddler for a night ideally, so you can reconnect and have fun, go see a comedy show or something, have a few glasses of wine and then properly get the spark back.

I agree the feeling that you could do without sex gets worse the longer you leave it, but I feel like when I let it slide like that the closeness goes with it.

I also think a lot of it for me is I feel really unsexy now. I know if I started loosing the weight I put on whilst pregnant I'd probably feel a lot more like doing it... I don't know if that's possibly something that's playing on your mind as well?

You've just gone back to work and you have a baby. Of course you're tired and your libido is affected! You'll adjust but you and your partner need to give it time.

Seeconding what PP said about needing more "warm up" time. You know that expression about good sex starts at dinner? Well, that all gets interrupted by putting DC to bed, inevitable tidying up. So you'll probably take take bit longer to get into the mood. Explain that to your OH. Cuddling and some vaguely romantic TV might help in a low pressure way. Honestly, if DH tried the things that used to work pre-DC he'd get the brush off as if find it irritating. But he knows to give me more time these days.

Do you feel sexy? My DH has also twigged that he's much more likely to get decent action if I've had time for a nice bath and to shave my legs, otherwise I'm most likely to want the lights off and nothing extensive/interesting. Do you get time to look after yourself properly?

I think that's it as per pp mentioned, I need some proper warming up. I think as well DH is trying to be helpful by telling me earlier in the evening / day that he fancies a bit, and consequently I end up dreading it.

I think I'd rather just not know, and then let him make some moves when we get into bed rather than me knowing what is going to happen later that night and almost being put off by it.

To be fair to my DH, he is super at letting me get time to myself and actively encourages it so I think there is an element of me just needing to crack on.

Generally I enjoy it when it happens, the odd occasion I've not got where I need to be but that's not usually the case

This is incredibly normal. You’re exhausted, your body is still recovering / becoming a new normal and you have a young child and are back at work. Of course you’re not going to want to be swinging from the chandeliers. It’s natures way of making sure you don’t have more babies than you can cope with by killing off your sex drive. I don’t know what the answer is when your dh isn’t understanding- I’ve been with my dh 15 years, we have a disabled child and I’m now disabled and we’ve had plenty of times (months long) during our relationship where either one of us just hasn’t fancied it at all, and that’s ok. I think your dh needs to stop pestering you.

I feel the same - eldest is 5, youngest is 2. So bloody exhausted all the time it's the last thing I want to do, but usually enjoy it if we do.

The only things that help are time away from the kids by myself/with friends, plus proper time away from them to reconnect with DH.

It's not easy to get those things.