Pregnant and have a very jealous 11 year old

[Pinkshamrock15]

Hello,

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and have a very jealous 11 year old. Her younger sister who is 7 doesn't seem phased by the news but she will not discuss it other than saying 'my new favourite daughter will be born soon'. I separated from my daughters' father 4 years ago and have since met a lovely man who is brilliant with the girls and who they love. I have tried everything - bringing her to a private scan, asking her to help me pick something for the baby as well as a present for her but nothing seems to help. I've asked her what her insecurities are and tried to reassure her that nothing will ever interfere with our relationship and that her and her sister are my world and always will be. I'm due to go for a private scan today and she said 'I'm wasting my money on the baby'. It does make me feel very guilty! Has anyone experienced this? Does it get any better?

Thanks :)

Why would she specifically say you are wasting money on the baby? Do you have money issued at the moment, could she genuinely be concerned about food, housing and clothes?

Is the baby going to negatively impact her? Is she worried that your partner won't love her as much when he has a child of his own?

Will she end up having to share a room?

Ask her what her worries are.

No, no money worries at all - in fact I've just bought her a new water bottle this morning that she's been asking for for weeks at £35! I think there are worries that my partner will love the new baby more but he has also sat with them both and tried to reassure them that this would never happen. I'm at a loss at what else I could do to make her feel any better.

He can't promise that. He can pretend though.

@TheInterceptor agreed, he can't promise that and he hasn't either. For that matter I'm under no illusion that the chances are the new baby will be just that bit extra special and understandably too, it is his first baby. But, he treats both girls extremely well up to this point and I would have a problem if that was to change.

Oh bless her. It’s a huge age gap. She’s probably going through all kinds of emotions: knowing you’re having sex with this man (she will know how babies are made at 11), knowing he will have his own child to love, knowing she will have less time with you.

Spend as much time with her as you can. It’s going to be a big change for her.
Will the children all have their own rooms?

Same age gap between me and DSis and my DDs. Both me and my eldest were so excited about the pregnancy and the new baby. I can't really relate to this, but I'm guessing she'll dote on the new baby once she arrives and realises that she is loved as much as before. I hope you don't have too long to go.

I was a big sis at 12 same parents and it was a big shock. In my pre teen eyes "ruined" my life as suddenly it was baby this baby that, family expecting me to be excited about a baby ! Instead of progressing to more mature family orientated days we ended up reliving suitable activities for young children. I got over it by around 17 ;-).

She may feel she has to contend with the undeniable proof her mother has a second family. I am sure there must be a range of books for parents to navigate this - might be worth seeking a recommendation ?

Does she have a relationship with her own dad OP?
Has he had more children?

I must have a look for a book on this and for her too maybe. Her relationship with her Dad is strained for numerous reasons, he's currently living abroad being one of them but he hasn't had any more children. I'm really hoping in time she might adjust and love her new sister once she meets her.

She just needs reassurance that she is just as important to you as your 7 year old is.

Possibly, I'll try and reassure on that too and forgot to mention she won't be sharing a bedroom with the baby or her sister.

I have a sibling who is 11 years younger than me, and completely second others comments. I was expected to be really excited but 1) was old enough that dolls/babies weren't exciting 2) agree that knowing my parents had had sex was just disgusting and 3) I didn't choose to have a sibling so it reminded me that my life wasn't in my control.

I think it's important to reflect that yes things are going to change and your relationship will be different - and allow her to talk through her thoughts about what that might look like - but reassure that ultimately your strong bond will be more important than anything else.

I warmed up quickly, and also realised having a cute little sibling can be very good currency with peers! I also had an incredible list of babysitting contacts so was never short of cash. My sibling and I are adults and have a very good relationship that is stronger through the age gap rather than in spite of it.

Maybe tell them both to get over themselves and that they have upset you greatly.

They're old enough to understand they're being hurtful.

Stop treating them with kid gloves. You have nothing to apologise for.

^ Can’t ever imagine it will mentally do your eldest well to just say - get over yourself, this baby is coming, tough shit essentially 🤨

My DM re-married (an alcoholic nonetheless) and had my brother when I was 7. I can still remember how awful it was for me as a child and my child’s eye view on everything that my DM was tired and sleeping all the time. My step dad didn’t speak to or interact with me much on a good day and I felt like the outsider.

I was in late secondary school when she re-married a much older, abusive man and changed my brother’s surname to theirs so again, I was the outsider.

I’m not saying you’re going to be as shit as my DM was in that respect but always worth understanding she’s not just being difficult for difficult’s sake. As amazing as a new baby is (and congratulations to you) try not to constantly talk about baby around her or take her to baby things. Your efforts to involve her might be counterproductive and she might just be fed up of hearing about the baby.

Try and do some things she enjoys with her and don’t mention the baby. Let her know the door is open if she does want to discuss it but just keep reassuring her that you will be there for her and won’t stop loving her.

Funny you used the expression "kid gloves". She literally is a kid, and deserves to be treated as one, and that means understanding and helping her deal with a situation which is out of her control, but has the potential to have both positive or negative impacts.

I loved my baby brother when I was 11. He was my baby- no one else got a look in 😊

We teach children manners, right?
We have expectations of decent behaviour from them, and when they're eleven years old we expect a certain amount of consideration for others? Or do we let them go on to develop into self centered, rude, mean, drama-loving teens?

The OP has done a lot to reassure her children about the situation, and I think it's time for her to stop. Piling on reassurance sometimes makes the issue feel more important or real than it actually is.

The children clearly have issues around the perceived abandonment by their father. Nobody but their father can do anything about that.

Meanwhile, their mother can give them the security that comes from being sure who is in charge at home, she can make sure nothing material changes in their lives, and she can ask that they stop being rude and mean about the baby. Helping children develop a sense of perspective is a positive.

@mathanxiety
Telling children to get over themselves is dismissive and unnecessary.
Not acknowledging the fact that having a new baby after a large gap, with a partner who is is not their dad is a delicate situation, is unhelpful.
It's not a case of the OP having done anything "wrong", it's not about right or wrong, it's that some sort of negative reaction to a new sibling is to be expected in these circumstances.
Why can't the child express that she has difficult, possibly conflicting emotions about the baby? She's dealing with a big life event so her reactions will be proportional to the situation. She isn't getting at her mum for not having new trainers or being allowed to stay up late or some such irrelevant issue where we could quite rightly pull her up and dismiss her moaning.
OP is an adult and even though she may wish to think that everyone will be enthusiastic about this pregnancy, that isn't the reality. Asking a child to pretend otherwise doesn't help resolve the issue.

We have similar age gaps ( three older children age 9, 9, 11), baby now nearly 1. The older children adore him-two were ambivalent when I was pregnant, and one was very angry about it. I think things will probably improve when they meet baby