How to cope with baby and cancer treatment

[WorryMcGee]

A potentially long post as I think I’ll struggle to stop once I get going. If anyone else out there has been through the same and has any advice I’d be grateful.

I’ll preface this by saying I have a history of anxiety/body dysmorphia and mild depression. I was extremely depressed in pregnancy - physically I was fine, mentally I really really wasn’t. It was hormonal, I recognised the feeling from when I have taken hormonal contraception in the past. So I’ve had poor mental health for a while now - apart from a couple of months between giving birth and getting the cancer diagnosis.

When DD was 16 weeks old I found out I had breast cancer that had spread to my lymph nodes. I’m 37. I was just starting to feel more normal after a c section and the complete shock of having a newborn baby when I didn’t know a thing about babies before. I’ve had two surgeries, eight rounds of chemo and am about to start radiotherapy. After that it’s 10 years of oestrogen blockers. DD is 1 next week, so I’ve spent most of my maternity leave dealing with this shit.

DH is absolutely incredible and has taken a lot of time off work, I have wonderful friends and my mum also helps when she can. I’m not without support, that’s not the problem. I just feel like my nice life has been snatched away from me and replaced by an “existence”. I’m so tired. I swear I have aged about 10 years. I am really struggling with the changes to my body and appearance, especially the loss of my hair and eyelashes (please no one say “it’ll grow back” like this is something that happens overnight, or “have you tried a wig”, like these are comfortable things to wear and don’t look shit anyway). I don’t know who I am any more. I look back at photos from before I got pregnant and, while I do love my DD, I find myself desperately wishing I could go back there. I was so happy. Now everything is ruined. I’m forever going to be worried about it coming back as well as dealing with the side effects from the oestrogen blockers. If I didn’t have DD I would refuse them and take my chances, but I have to do it for her, it would be selfish not to take every treatment they offer me. I just go through each day like a robot, pretending I’m fine, then crying at night until I go to sleep ready to get up the next day for more of the same. My life is just a shadow of what it was.

I have been offered counselling through Macmillan but the counsellor really upset me yesterday with a really insensitive comment and I don’t feel comfortable continuing. (To Macmillan’s credit when I told them what she said to me they were very apologetic and want to find me someone else but I don’t think I can go through with it. It wasn’t helping anyway)

People keep saying I’m brave and a “hero” but I’m really not and I don’t want to be either. I want to be a normal person, who isn’t bald, and doesn’t feel too repulsive to share a bed with her DH, and enjoys parenting and doesn’t just go through the motions every day and “exist”.

I follow an Australian journalist on Twitter who was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 29 weeks pregnant. She often writes about her experiences, some of it might resonate with you. Wishing you all the best.
https://twitter.com/derridalicious?s=21&t=FihATfxKF39HlNx7zH-Zgg

Well you are totally justified in feeling like this is an utterly shit situation!!! Hard enough surviving a baby/maternity leave without the cancer diagnosis.

The 'existing' feeling can be there even with just the baby. Every day you do stuff all day for them and nothing for yourself. The only way I've found to combat this feeling is to insist on doing something that it just for me. Whether that's a hobby, a bath or whatever - what is the thing you would have done before the shit hit the fan? Can you do it at all now? Focus on stuff that will make you happy - even if a lot of the time you don't feel like doing it. Kind of force yourself to do things.

The other thing I did which helped a bit was a martial arts class where we punched and kicked stuff. I imagined it was cancer that I was beating up and it was extremely therapeutic!

I used to like reading but I find I can’t concentrate on books, I don’t know why, my mind just wanders to how shit everything is. I end up just doomscrolling on my phone which I bloody hate as well.

I do cycle and go to spin classes. I used to run but the chemo gave me joint pain. I finished it 6 weeks ago and running doesn’t feel like it did, it feels hard and not enjoyable 😞 I even ran up until I was 33 weeks pregnant, it was my “thing” and even that’s had the joy sucked out of it.

Could you try audio books if you’ve not got the concentration for reading? It’s hard to focus on a book when you’ve so much else to worry about. Is there any other exercise you enjoy? My friend who had cancer loved a swim and a hot tub afterwards for joint pain. I’m glad you’ve got a good support system and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this, it’s unfair ❤️

@Nowhereelsetogo90 I’ll give audiobooks a go. There isn’t any other exercise I enjoy really, I really miss running 😞 I couldn’t go swimming. Not with one boob a totally different size to the other, no hair and a c section tummy. I don’t think I’ll ever put a swimming costume on ever again. DH takes DD swimming.

I totally get it. I had a very similar situation to you except DD was 8 weeks old.
I completely identify with the IOSs of your old self and the difficulty with adjusting to your 'new normal' (hate that phrase!).
I still have very little memory of DD's first year tbh, but she is now 9 and I've come to terms with it all. She also has two older brothers.
You have just come through a horrific time and your emotions will still be like a rollercoaster.
You will swim again and you will run again.
I had a bilateral mastectomy so didn't have the one boob issue, but bloody do great breast forms.
I went on holiday the day after my radiotherapy ended and I must have looked a state.
To look at me now, no one would know I'd had cancer. You will get there, the counselling will help.
Please pm me if you want to.

Boost do great breast forms!

OP, I'm about 12 months ahead of you in terms of treatment. You are at the point when I felt the worst.

My eyebrows had almost gone, I'd lost my hair, wigs are uncomfortable and really only tolerable when it's 5 degrees or less outside. Chemo left me feeling sick, exhausted and achey. My skin was peeling off. There were lots of foods I couldn't eat. It was horrible. And people kept saying 'now you can put it behind you." I wanted to punch them. 😡

I started running again about 14 weeks after chemo ended. I managed 700 yards first time. But it does get better, I promise you.

My last chemo was Feb 2nd 22 and I ditched my wig on May 21st 22. Human hair grows at about 3mm a week so stock up on hair bands that will add texture and colour to your super-short regrowth. Try to find a Look Good, Feel Better group. And a post-chemo therapist. There are people who will help you with this stuff.

My hair is normal now. still shorter than before but completely normal. I'm back to running 5k a couple of times a week. I've sorted all the logistical things for beachwear and swimming.

It takes time, you have to give yourself time to recover mentally, physically but you will get there. PM me if it will help xx

Thank you @weebarra and @MintJulia both your posts really help.

@weebarra we are going on holiday 4 days after my radiotherapy ends. I don’t want to go really but DH does and we would lose a ton of money if we didn’t go. I have no photos of me and DD since August, I won’t want to be in any on her birthday and I won’t want to be in any on her first holiday either. I don’t want to remember any of it. That’s awful isn’t it. First (and last) baby and I don’t want to remember her first year.

@MintJulia I could have written that myself, my skin is so sore and flakey, my eyebrows finally went last week and I swear three of my nails are going to come off. When I finished chemo I still had some hair, and most of my eyelashes and eyebrows but two weeks after my last one it all just started falling out in clumps - while people are congratulating me and telling me I can put it all behind me just because I’m not going in to be poisoned every two weeks. Asking me how I’m going to celebrate! Celebrate?! Then asking why my hair is falling out when “I’m done now”. I’m not fucking “done”! Oh god I get so angry 😞

I walked out of a LGFB after 5 minutes. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and the other women were a lot older than me, I just didn’t want to be there. To be honest I know how to do my make up, it’s something I used to enjoy but I just feel like I’m polishing a turd trying to do it now.

One last suggestion, for your nails, if they have started to lift away from the nail beds. (Mine did that too.

Try eating cubes of fruit jelly. I found the gelatine from a cube or two of jelly a day helped restore their strength and condition. Keep your nails clipped short so less easy to catch on things.

I hope it all feels better soon.

I have been in your shoes (without a baby). I was 26. It was over 20 years ago. I thought my life was over and I was just existing and that I would never be fully happy again. It took a while. It's a big adjustment. And I was very worried about recurrence for several years. But I can hand on heart tell you I am now loving life and happier than ever. I wish you well. Xxx

Hey...sorry to hear how u feel. Have u heard of this https://www.mummysstar.org/about-us
They help parents experiencing cancer for a year after baby is born, perhaps they can offer some help for u?

This post has taken me right back to how I felt in 2020 after being diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant with my second - and the ensuing shite show of a year/18 months that followed. Hope felt like way too much effort. The one thing that was positive was that I was completely isolated due to covid lockdowns so didn’t have to deal with too many of other people’s irritating comments. Please, try to ignore them. Not many people know how this feels.
I would say what’s helped me is - 1. The oestrogen blockers have not turned out to have too many side effects as yet for me, everything I read suggested they would be constantly terrible, that has not been the case, obviously I don’t know what is ahead for me or for you, but I wish I hadn’t worried about them so much. And you are doing something monstrously hard already doing chemo & radio post partum. 2. Keeping going until I found a good therapist - the third one I tried is not even a cancer specialist but she has been so understanding and really gives me space for the difficult feelings, you need somewhere for these to be expressed, once you have the energy I would really recommend trying again 3. I have wherever possible pursued anything that makes me feel at all excited by or interested in life again, and have really focused on building the relationship with my son in ways that feel enjoyable to me - it’s super hard to bond with a baby under these conditions, it was so much harder than with my first, but it has been worth it & life enriching to have built that bond against the odds.
Best of luck - please keep going.

You've been through such trauma. Please go back to the counselling, you really need it. Can you see it as an investment for your daughter?

It's really hard being a young cancer patient. People think of it often as an old(er) person's disease. Many people I encountered didn't have to think about children and work etc.
And yes, I've been on the oestrogen blockers for ages now and don't have any side effects at all. I know I'm further on than you but cancer is no longer an ever present in my head. It doesn't define me anymore. I have changed because of it, but I'm still me. You can still be you too.

Hi OP, sorry to hear you are struggling but totally understandable in your position! I cannot even imagine how hard it must been dealing with this with a newborn.

I am 38 and was diagnosed with stage 3 grade 3 breast cancer 6 months ago, I've had a single mastectomy and implant reconstruction (altho implant not 100% successful) and am on my 5th out of 6 chemo session. I am bald, and eyebrows and eyelashes almost gone. Due to have radiotherapy after and hormone suppression for 10 years too. I have a 2 year old and a 9 year old.

I feel the same as you that life is just on hold and waiting for active treatment to be over so life can start again. It's hard with kids, we've had really quiet, boring Christmas holidays, half term and now Easter holidays and not been able to do as much with them or for them. For me a positive mental attitude has helped massively, there are odd days I feel negative, worried and hopeless but it passes. I am on anti depressants for anxiety which I started before my diagnosis and I think they are helping me massively with the cancer to be honest, maybe that's an option for you? Although they do take a few weeks to kick in. Mindfulness, meditation (the headspace app is brilliant, and has a free trial) may also help. Thinking about all the love and support I have, which it seems you have too also helps me. And just focussing on the little things, watching my kids be kids, the new things they learn, a kiss and a cuddle from them, it makes everything worth it.

I am planning things for the summer, a holiday, little things like a cinema trip, can't wait to just go and sit in the garden, things to get me through the last of my treatment. I'm hoping the hormone supression isn't too bad, I'm mostly worried about the mood swings ... Also cannot wait to have even the tiniest bit of hair on my head again. I hate wigs too, and only wear them with bobble hats which isn't going to be an option if the weather improves! I do find it is so much quicker getting ready in the morning and also if I am hot, I just take my hat off and instantly cool down. It's the little wins.

I've loved reading about PPs being 10 years on in the future and cancer not defining them any more. Right now i can't imagine being in that place, for one being alive and for two not worrying about cancer every single day, but that gives me some hope!

Please PM me if you want to chat, anytime xx

Can I add, I would really recommend come counselling from a cancer specialist organisation. I didn't have any and I had intrusive thoughts (eg constantly thinking about cancer and recurrence - I mean every minute of every day). I think I should have sought help with that. Also, I was on oestrogen blocking therapy for years. I was so worried. Had hardly any side effects at all so don't worry unduly. Take things day by day and try and live in the moment. It really worked for me. At the time of diagnosis I was very young and not in a relationship and had a mastectomy with a not very successful reconstruction. I'm now married with a child and as a PP said cancer no longer defines me. Many of my recent friends don't even know about it. Please be kind to yourself.