I’m a long term reader here but this is my first post. I suppose I’m just looking for people to relate so I don’t feel alone because I feel like everyone around me has a great situation and I’ve just been given a bad situation. LONG POST WITH DS BACKSTORY (ds is partner right?? Lol)
(I’m 26)
me and ds together 3 years I was just about to breakup with him when I got pregnant, as he was battling a cocaine addiction, he doesn’t go out with friends he takes it alone in his rooom once a week and gets off his head, I cared so I was trying to help him for a long time, I had attachment issues also. I felt bad as he grew up with a heroin addict mother (I know!! I should of ran.) I had a blood clot and had to come off the pill as I was on blood thinners and my risk was high for another blood clot. I got pregnant straight away I thought I was being careful.
so I stayed, because I was scared he would have the power to get access to her even tho he took cocaine once a week and had mental health problems, the court system in Ireland is awful, they give literel junkies access. So I suppose I was right.
he was so horrible to me while I was pregnant, sometimes really caring and loving but a lot of shouting
my mother is extremely toxic and has been emotionally abusing since I’m about 14 and she did my pregnancy also and the day I went into labour she verbally abused me I got myself in a state and presume it started my labour I got the train to the hospital alone and walked 30 min while having contractions
fast forward to having baby, I love her she’s everything I dreamed of and my best friend she’s totally healed me and my inner child and I can’t wait to raise her with so much love no shouting or abuse. I was lucky my amazing grandmother took us in who tbh was like a mother to me, I lived with her till I was 10.
BUT I AM SO STRESSED. I’m exclusively breastfeeding since she’s born she’s never had a bottle , so I’ve been the only one to ever feed her, I’ve no one to help me, my grandmother will take her out for the very odd walk and mind her while I eat something but I have her 24/7 since she’s born. I know I’m her mother and stuff but everyone else seems to be able to go to the gym trap a coffee with a friend hand them over to the grand parents for a night or two, hand them over to the prtner to take over when they finish work. I literelly shower every 2/3 weeks cause if I do catch a minute I’m too tired. She wakes up 3/4 times a night still to feed I put her to bed 8 and she wakes up 12/1/4/6 and that’s not including all the times she wakes up for the sooter, I’ve not slept more than 2/3 hours at a time in almost 7 months I’m going insane it be different if I could have even a hour to myself a day while someone takes over but I don’t it’s me constantly. It’s only getting harder cause she’s more active and I feel myself totally detioriating, I don’t know the point in going to the gp because what can they do it’s just I have no support. The father sees her every 2/3 weeks for a hour under my supervision which isn’t even a break as she doesn’t want him only me. My mother comes to visit and is good with her but she can’t take her to her house as she have a big and jealous dog who is really crazy. And my baby is just crawling. Would never work
i actually feel like I’m going insane
meanwhile all the other girls that have babies in my area are all meeting up with date night with their girlfriends going to the gym just completely thriving and mentioning how they love their village.
I’m mad, I’m trying to be the best mother I can be but I know I’d be better if I had actual support, anyone else in this boat what happens and when does it get easier?
I know I made the right choice by not handing her over to him to mind even tho I need it, I’d never forgive myself if something happened. (I found out he took drugs while minding young cousins) I really feel like I drew a bad card
help :(