Behaviour of 8 year old

[rach971]

I don't even know where to start this, other than I'm just fed up. My 8 year old daughter just seems to have a bad attitude for no reason. She moans about going to school, moans about homework, moans about getting dressed, moans about anything and everything. I've just asked to get her dressed a few mins ago because we have to leave for my hair cut soon and she says 'do I have to', sighs and then storms into the room.

Last night she was telling me children can act how they want because they're children and they can't control it, so I'll just have to deal with it.

She has an answer for absolutely everything and I genuinely struggle to discipline her sometimes because of it. Anything I say, she has an answer back and sometimes I just genuinely don't know where else to go with it. My mum jokes she'll be a politician when she's older because she can stand her ground and talk her way out of anything.

Maybe I'm too soft with her. I know people will probably come at me for posting this 😂 but I genuinely don't know what to do. I try taking away privileges and just get 'well I don't care if I don't have that, I'll play with this instead'. Telling her off she just answers back. It's like no form of discipline seems to work with her.

She's as good as gold at school and both parents and teachers comment on how lovely and polite and hard working she is. Despite the fact she constantly moans about school and homework, she always has a lovely day when she's there and comes home happy.

I think part of her behaviour is due to lack of sleep also. I settle her and tuck her up at 9pm, she generally stays in bed but is still awake after 11pm. That coupled with the early school mornings just doesn't seem to do her any good but then I can't force her to fall asleep so what do I do.

Also part of it I feel like is to do with the fact I don't do as much with her anymore in terms of days out. In spare time I used to take her out A LOT. Whereas now we have a flat with my partner to pay towards and a baby on the way (her behaviour has been like this since before my pregnancy so I know it's not that causing it) I just can't afford to take her places like I used to. Plus I've been having heart issues in this pregnancy which can mean if they start up I need to go to hospital within an hour or two, which also makes it hard to go for full days out anywhere currently. I do try and do what I can with her at home instead and still take her out a little bit when I can.

Just any wisdom would be appreciated. Any tips and tricks for discipline, what works for you, things I might not have thought of trying. It's such a shame because when she's good we have such a lovely, happy time together. Just sometimes I feel like going to bed and crying because I don't know what else to do 🙈

So you have moved into a new place with a new partner (who I assume isn’t your DDs dad), have a baby on the way with health problems for you and wonder why your DD is acting out?

I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic but your poor DD has a huge amount on her plate.

Sorry - I get that you’re struggling and that you’re trying to do your best. But honestly, if I’ve read the situation right, did you think that your DD would be completely unaffected by all that upheaval?

in terms of things to do - have a read about love bombing and really schedule in some dedicated mum/daughter time when you can focus on her, and just enjoy each others company. Try and set her up to succeed by making sure situations aren’t flashpoints.

good luck!

How long have you been with your partner? Has he been around long enough for her to think of him as a father figure, i.e. he's all she's known or is he a fairly recent arrival? How long were you with him before you got pregnant and how soon is the baby due to arrive? And how long has it been since you moved in together and into the new flat? If any of those things are about less than 6 years ago, I suspect that's where you problem lies as she would have been old enough to know it's not just her and mum in whatever house, she now has to share you in a new environment. All hard to process and deal with at such a young age. A new baby on the way is just going to exacerbate her feelings and make her act out even more at home. At school, things are easy and understandable which is why she probably isn't the same there.

Last night she was telling me children can act how they want because they're children and they can't control it, so I'll just have to deal with it.

This sounds like she's quoting someone - is someone encouraging her? Does she have contact with her dad, for example?

@manontroppo Thank you. I totally get what you're saying. I agree the current situation(s) definitely aren't helping her, but her behaviour has been similar since before the flat move and the pregnancy etc. This is probably just exacerbating it. I feel so guilty for not being able to do as much with her lately, but I'm trying to do things like take her to the park, craft activities at home. I'll definitely read up about love bombing - it's something I've heard of but no clue what it is or what it involves.

@IWantToBeACat We've been together a year and a half but known each other for 11 years, though my daughter hadn't met him prior to me and him dating. Baby is due at end of July and the flat move was January this year. I think initially it was a bit of a bonding struggle with them because he didn't really know how to act with her as such, because she wasn't 'his'. They get on much better now though. He's good at baking so I tried to encourage us to all do that together to help bonding. She also loves to make people jump, as does he, so they spend half their time trying to scare each other 😂 They've definitely gotten more used to each other now.

I tell her how much I love her everyday, I always encourage her, say positive things to her, I try and make her feel secure and loved as best I can. I didn't force her into the flat move, we took it at her pace and moved in when she decided she wanted to. She wanted to do it after Christmas, so we did. I get it's a total shift for her (though the behaviour started before all this, albeit not quite as frequent), but I try my absolute best to make her feel included and know she's loved and cared about etc. We include her in baby related things such as talking about names, but we also try not to talk about it too much so she doesn't feel like everything is about the baby. I'm not a perfect mum by any stretch of the imagination but I feel like I'm trying my best in the circumstances.

I know I said in my post that I'm fed up and feel like just crying in bed sometimes, but I also feel sad for her when I see her like that because I don't want her to feel any sort of negative.

@aSofaNearYou In terms of someone encouraging her, there's a very small handful of children in her year group (one year group but split into two classes) who are incredibly bossy. She tells me stories nearly everyday and it's always the same children involved. They won't allow certain children to play with them and their group, pick on certain kids, always have to be the 'boss' in a situation. My daughter is more of a child who'll play with anyone, especially if someone is left out, and she's quite quiet in a group situation. I definitely don't think the behaviour of some of the kids in her class helps. Especially when it's those children that get away with it. The friendship dynamics are a little difficult because the girl who was her best friend ended up being too domineering and controlling so my daughter ended up backing off from it. But then a new girl started who she became close with, and now this girl is close to the more domineering girl so they all end up playing together and I think it's hard for her to avoid. I did not realise how dramatic kids friendship groups were, I really didn't 😂 it's always 'she said this today' or 'he did this today'. How I don't miss being a child 😂 Definitely the school dynamics coupled with everything else going on isn't helping. Though I did notice her behaviour started to turn towards how it is now, once the friendship with this initial best friend she had was getting too intense

@aSofaNearYou Sorry I forgot to answer the last bit - She does have contact with her dad and me and her dad get on absolutely fine, always have done. There's never been any drama there. She only sees him once every other week due to his work schedule but she stays with him in some of the holidays and him and his family are taking her away in the next school hols so all is good there. She gets on with his family really well too

Too many life changes at once for her to be able to process.
no shock she is playing up.

That's a really short time line for so much to have happened in. You've been expecting a baby for months and live in his house but they are still just 'getting used to each other'. This needed sorted long before babies and living together. It's definitely no surprise it's exacerbated any emerging behaviour

This. On top of not doing much with the kid now.

I think Children are good/ working/ playing in school and then they get home wrecked and it just all comes out, same as it does with adults!! On the days out thing, you can’t beat simply playing, sitting drawing, colouring, painting, baking, making a fort, teddy’s picnic or going to a park. Forget about money!!