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Original poster

How will custody work?

21 replies

Lotusflower92 · 13/04/2023 06:35

Good morning everyone

My husband and I have very sadly decided we're going to file for divorce and break up. It's been along time coming (4 years) that we haven't had that kind of relationship and now we've both agreed it's time to divorce.

We currently live in central london in a fairly expensive area. When we divorce, I will be moving to where I grew up with our child as that's where my support network is and my family, and it's also where I will be able to afford to buy a property. It's around a 2-2.5 hour drive (55 miles) which we have both agreed will work best as I just can't afford to live around here at all. (We're talking hundreds of thousands of pounds difference in house prices)

My husband is an amazing dad and he and our child have a really great bond, so I want him to see her as much as he can...if we lived 5 minutes apart 50/50 would be okay, but sadly we don't and our child will be starting school next year so it just wouldn't logistically work. He suggested every weekend, but then my worry is that he works very late during the week and so our child would be leaving Saturday morning and returning Sunday evening to see him, which I feel like would be a lot for a young child as they'll be in education throughout the week and will also need some downtime at home/going on play dates etc at weekends.

I was thinking of suggesting every other weekend Friday-Sunday (he works for himself so would have to sort out his working day) and I could drop our child to him and he could return them Sunday evening but he's very sad as this isn't much time together for them.

I also suggested on top of this sharing the summer holidays/half terms etc but the problem is he obviously works.

I want to be as reasonable as I can as it's a very sad situation. I know how it feels to not have a dad and I don't want the same for my child.

Thanks and please be nice

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/04/2023 07:09

Whilst things remain amicable, I think it's worth noting that he doesn't have to agree to you moving away, particularly when it significantly impacts on his relationship with his child.

In practical terms, can he move closer to where you will be, so care can be shared? Although it's a long drive, 55 miles is not that far so I'm guessing some of that drive time is the horror of London traffic. Could he commute in by train, or as he works for himself is more WFH an option?

I would look to find a compromise that gives him much more then every other weekend if you can, but it is up to him to balance work and parenting, the same as the rest of us do. Your DD can't just fit into convenient gaps in his busy schedule, he needs to make some choices about what he wants.

liveforsummer · 13/04/2023 07:18

Good advice above, what about 3 weekends out of 4 so you get some down time with dc too. It's on him to sort his Fridays. Although it's a long journey it's not too bad especially on a Saturday morning and Sunday evening where traffic is quiet - even if it was just some Fridays he could manage then the shorter weekend on others.

Original poster
Lotusflower92 · 13/04/2023 07:21

tribpot · 13/04/2023 07:09

Whilst things remain amicable, I think it's worth noting that he doesn't have to agree to you moving away, particularly when it significantly impacts on his relationship with his child.

In practical terms, can he move closer to where you will be, so care can be shared? Although it's a long drive, 55 miles is not that far so I'm guessing some of that drive time is the horror of London traffic. Could he commute in by train, or as he works for himself is more WFH an option?

I would look to find a compromise that gives him much more then every other weekend if you can, but it is up to him to balance work and parenting, the same as the rest of us do. Your DD can't just fit into convenient gaps in his busy schedule, he needs to make some choices about what he wants.

I don't think he'll contest against it as we've spoken in depth about it over the past few years while divorce has been on the cards, I just simply can't afford the London life

Unfortunately he has a very high profile job so his work will always be in the city, so unless he changed careers moving wouldn't work for him which is why I'm trying to accommodate around him as much as I can x

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Schoolchoicesucks · 13/04/2023 08:03

I would usually not be "on side" with moving dc 2+ hours away from an involved and caring parent.

However you have mentioned dh's high profile job with intense and late working hours. Even if you were in a position to move 5 minutes away, how would he be able to manage 50:50 care?

If he would make space to do this, have you had conversations about him supporting the 2 of you financially in order to stay more involved in his dc's life? Switching up a family home to 2 x 2 bed flats for example.

Or would he consider a move to somewhere potentially commutable that is closer to where you would be moving and would allow for a midweek and weekend overnights, while keeping a studio flat in the city?

I wouldn't offer him every weekend - you will want some weekends with your dc and as dc gets older they are likely to want to attend local playdates, hobbies etc. Every other weekend plus a midweek (if dh can fit that in somehow) plus shared school holidays would seem fair.

SecretVictoria · 13/04/2023 08:17

How is 55 miles a 2 hour drive? My commute is half that distance and takes me 30-40 minutes.

Original poster
Lotusflower92 · 13/04/2023 08:19

SecretVictoria · 13/04/2023 08:17

How is 55 miles a 2 hour drive? My commute is half that distance and takes me 30-40 minutes.

Because we live in central london - as I stated above!

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/04/2023 08:22

SecretVictoria · 13/04/2023 08:17

How is 55 miles a 2 hour drive? My commute is half that distance and takes me 30-40 minutes.

A colleague of mine commutes across London for work (used to be 4 days a week, now post-pandemic it's only 1). The distance is about 25 miles and that would take him 2 hours at rush hour. He leaves home at 6:30 am to beat the traffic and so it only takes him an hour. I'm guessing the OP's drive time is disproportionate to the distance because of London traffic.

liveforsummer · 13/04/2023 08:25

Surely it's less likely to be that long early in a Saturday morning and Ona Sunday evening though - Friday afternoon probably. Mixing some Friday- Sunday and some Saturday- Sundays him having 3 out if 4 weekends seems fair. Obviously the suggestion of a weekday evening is not likely to be practical in these circumstances

TheVanguardSix · 13/04/2023 08:27

Does he have to stay in Central London? What are his thoughts on accommodating his DC’s needs and being available/able to meet them?

usererror99 · 13/04/2023 08:38

I wouldn't agree to not seeing my children every weekend or even 3 in 4. You'll have all of the drudgery of mon-fri school runs, homework, dealing with a tired child etc and then no opportunity to actually enjoy parenting on the weekend with them. From experience as soon as school starts they could have weekly bday party invites too.

His career is his choice. So IMO he needs to compromise - if it's as high profile and well paid as you say then perhaps he could afford to rent a small place near you and then maintain a secondary central London presence

If he doesn't want that then your divorce settlement needs to provide for you remaining in central london

MrsSchrute · 13/04/2023 08:44

This is so difficult. How heartbreaking for your husband not to be part of his son's daily life.
Could you move to a more affordable area that is nearer than 3 hrs away?
I would prioritise your son's relationship with his father if at all possible.

Original poster
Lotusflower92 · 13/04/2023 08:54

MrsSchrute · 13/04/2023 08:44

This is so difficult. How heartbreaking for your husband not to be part of his son's daily life.
Could you move to a more affordable area that is nearer than 3 hrs away?
I would prioritise your son's relationship with his father if at all possible.

It is a heartbreaking situation. Not really, the location we live in London means evening visiting his parents who are considerably closer than mine takes around an hour and a half. I've considered moving to by his parents, and areas north of London but everything still seems to be so far in terms of travel time

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 13/04/2023 09:52

Lotusflower92 · 13/04/2023 08:19

Because we live in central london - as I stated above!

Show quote history

Ah, sorry. Train would probably be a better option then.

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 13/04/2023 10:13

Unfortunately he can't have it both ways. So he either maintains his current career as it is and only sees his child around his work, or he makes significant changes to his job to allow him to be there for his child more. I don't say any of that flippantly either but that's the facts. I'm assuming he's only been able to maintain his career around parenting because you've been there to facilitate this?

How would 50/50 work even if you lived in the same street as him if he works so many hours etc?

Original poster
Lotusflower92 · 13/04/2023 10:34

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 13/04/2023 10:13

Unfortunately he can't have it both ways. So he either maintains his current career as it is and only sees his child around his work, or he makes significant changes to his job to allow him to be there for his child more. I don't say any of that flippantly either but that's the facts. I'm assuming he's only been able to maintain his career around parenting because you've been there to facilitate this?

How would 50/50 work even if you lived in the same street as him if he works so many hours etc?

He's older than I am so has been in the same career long before we met. You're right, even if we did live in the same street 50/50 would only work if I was at his home acting as his nanny while he was working

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/04/2023 11:21

even if we did live in the same street 50/50 would only work if I was at his home acting as his nanny while he was working

Or he could make some changes to his lifestyle. This appears to be 'impossible' (although I guarantee a woman in his job would be doing so rather than allowing their child to go and live 2.5 hours away) and that's his choice. I do think @usererror99 has a good idea with him maintaining a small residence near you so that he can travel to where his DD is at weekends, that will make it much easier for her to carry on with things she wants to do at the weekend like parties and clubs and classes. He may then want to discover he can WFH every Friday and so spend 3 days at week at his 'country residence' in order to spend more time with his child.

Original poster
Lotusflower92 · 13/04/2023 12:01

tribpot · 13/04/2023 11:21

even if we did live in the same street 50/50 would only work if I was at his home acting as his nanny while he was working

Or he could make some changes to his lifestyle. This appears to be 'impossible' (although I guarantee a woman in his job would be doing so rather than allowing their child to go and live 2.5 hours away) and that's his choice. I do think @usererror99 has a good idea with him maintaining a small residence near you so that he can travel to where his DD is at weekends, that will make it much easier for her to carry on with things she wants to do at the weekend like parties and clubs and classes. He may then want to discover he can WFH every Friday and so spend 3 days at week at his 'country residence' in order to spend more time with his child.

I really like the idea of him having a small country residence. I will see what he thinks as ultimately the most important thing is that he gets to see our child as much as possible. It's hard as it's finding a balance between work/family time but if he doesn't work he can't afford the bills if you know what I mean? And while I do work and contribute - it's not enough to maintain a good life without financial help (child maintenance etc)

OP posts:
tribpot · 13/04/2023 12:07

Sure, but there are a few options in between him not working at all and him making no changes whatsoever to his current lifestyle.

MintJulia · 13/04/2023 15:16

Thinking longer term, can you ensure you are close to a train route that will enable your child, when teenage, to travel to see their dad without changing trains.

A fast direct train line will make parents evenings, and other school events more possible for him.

If he is a high earner, the idea of an apartment locally might work, but in the end, if your ex wants to see their child, they have to put time aside.

Original poster
Lotusflower92 · 13/04/2023 15:17

MintJulia · 13/04/2023 15:16

Thinking longer term, can you ensure you are close to a train route that will enable your child, when teenage, to travel to see their dad without changing trains.

A fast direct train line will make parents evenings, and other school events more possible for him.

If he is a high earner, the idea of an apartment locally might work, but in the end, if your ex wants to see their child, they have to put time aside.

Yes, the place we would be moving to is very commutable to London. It takes about an hour and 20 minutes on the train which is good. And yes, he would need to work out a balance

OP posts:
bekindtome · 13/04/2023 15:32

What about offering 2 weekends with dad then 1 with you.

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