4 year old development expectations

[Stepdadding]

Firstly thank you for clicking through to this. I'm having a difficult time reconciling my expectations with the reality I am currently facing.

Firstly, a little context. I am currently in a fairly new relationship with a mother of a 4 year old child (just 4 years old, in case that is relevant). The child spends 50% of her time with her mother and 50% of her time with her father. There is limited continuity of parenting between the two.

Whilst I have never been a parent until now, and it could be argued I am still not, I have been around the raising of nephews and consider myself to have fairly good instincts when it comes to it.

I'm struggling at the moment as I don't believe my partner's daughter is where she should be in a few areas, and I do not believe it to be in anyway related to anything other than bad habit, as in I do not think it is neurological in anyway. The child is fairly capable at most things most of the time. Its also difficult to discuss these issues as they are interpreted as a parenting fail by my partner, something she is acutely insecure about.

For ease of reference, I think it would be better to list my concerns:

• the child is still drinking warm milk from a bottle at bed times and first thing in the morning. It is not unusual for the child to wake in the night and ask for "bottle, bottle". It's worth nothing there is no wider speech issue, and I would say generally she is on par with her peers. These are isolated regressions.
• the child does not sleep through the night. She wakes every night multiple times and shouts for her mother. Her mother attends to her. At this point 10% of the time she might go back to sleep. More often than not she will resist and tantrum to either have her mother sleep in her bed with her, or sleep in her mother's bed. Up until my arrival, I suspect she was brought most nights into her mother's bed, and perhaps even started most nights in her mother's bed. There has been limited resistance to this from her mother until now. It's also worth noting that the room is lit with a night light, as well as laser "stars" which I suspect are too bright. I understand her father has suggested this is a problem generally isolated to when she is at her mother's.
• the child essentially still uses a pacifier, but not in the conventional sense. She has a soft comfort toy she puts in her mouth and sucks the limb of. This happens regularly as she becomes tired or upset, or simply resistant to anything. It's not unusual for her to talk whilst holding this toy in her mouth. She goes to sleep, sucking this toy.
• the child is fairly well potty trained and is not having accidents, either at daytime or night time, but is still using potty's. Whilst this doesn't sound unusual, I mention it because I'm not sure it's entirely necessary, save for nighttime when the journey to the toilet alone is probably beyond her. The child is during daytime at least, extremely capable of recognising when she needs the toilet, undressing herself to use the toilet, cleaning herself and also, she is capable of using a grown up toilet. She is allowed however to remain using pottys.
• morning times are for the most part a fight. The child is brought into her mother's bed to "snuggle" with her bottle of warm milk, whilst mother showers and gets dressed. The child from this point is generally resistant to getting up, having the curtains drawn and getting dressed without struggling and/or bribery.
• most meal times are a similar affair. The child is capable of feeding herself but seldom does.
• tantrums are still a regular feature.

I'm at a loss really as many of these feel like bad habits, that should have been tackled before I came along, and it's only now since my arrival that any effort is being made to challenge these behaviours. We are trying to encourage the child to remain in her bed on her own but this has happened once since we've been together, and even then mother had to attend 3 times during the night to offer reassurance. We are also encouraging her to remove her toy from her mouth, especially when speaking. This is not only in my opinion essential for speech development but the toy is unhygienic, regularly aggravating the child's chin.

Like I said, it's difficult for me to raise any of these directly with mother, and it's also hard to know if my expectations are too high having never raised a child of my own, but I'm writing this at 4 in the morning whilst my partner lies awake in her daughter's bed, failing to get her back to sleep. Mum has the best intentions and is generally a good mum. She has raised the child on her own for a couple of years now and I'm sympathetic to that, but at the same time, I don't think this should excuse any kind of evaluation.

Am I expecting too much? Are these behaviours indicative of the child's age or should there be more of a concerted effort to push back on these aspects immediately? It's concerning as the child is starting school in September and I just don't think enough is being done.

All fairly typical for many 4 year olds, especially the waking in the night and wanting mum. Also still having a pacifier for comfort. Particularly a 4 year old who has gone through alot as has this child. Now a new person on the scene. Poor baby.

With all respect, until you have a child, you don't know about childbearing, not really. I was a teacher for years and thought I knew. But I didn't until I had my own. They are needy haven't read the child development manual and so walk their own paths which often don't look how we adults would like them to.

If you take on this child, you must accept there will be many more nights of being up at 4 in the morning etc. Parenting is tough. That child needs your partner more than you do and it will be like that for a long time yet.

Child rearing not bearing!

It's tricky OP. I agree with you that some of these behaviours are a bit too babyish for a child of this age. However, none of them are absolutely terrible either. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of you entering this fairly new relationship and insisting on lots of changes. Think about it from the child's perspective. She used to come to her mum's bed every night, now you're in the picture and she's not allowed to any more. I expect she's feeling sad and rejected, because of the sudden nature of the change, and she probably links it to you - she's not stupid. I feel like you need to take a step back and allow your partner to parent without so much input from you. If that's too hard for you, then maybe think about whether this is the right relationship for you?

If you want this relationship to work, it will be really important for you get on well with her daughter too. That seems unlikely to happen if you are very interfering and judgemental about your partner's parenting. Maybe try to focus on enjoying your new relationship and forming a nice bond with her daughter, gently encourage your partner to make some changes but don't make a big deal of it? If I was your partner I'd be feeling miserable and torn between the two of you right now.

Her behaviour is normal. My 3.5 still does a lot of these when she’s nervous or anxious about something. Don’t forget this little girls has a traumatic and unstable home life.

Wow. A fairly new relationship? Why have you even met her child never mind think you can parent her?

🙄

My LO is younger so I won't comment about age concerns.

What I now appreciate, to share, is that kids do things in their own time. For every 'average' there are children at the upper bands and those at the lower.

I've also found that so many normal/age appropriate behaviours are not spoken about for fear of shame and judgement. The number of times children wake is a prime example. My 2yo wakes, usually, twice a night. It is so common, but even by 4mo I was reading so much about babies sleeping through the night, I felt like I was doing something wrong. I've been much less stressed since realising how normal it is.

You're right to ask and research. Expectations of kids is so different to the (hidden) reality.

Thanks for the responses. I'm just trying to be the best I can be. I'm here because I'm trying to understand. I want to help.

Child rearing, not bearing. Of course. Thank you for the correction.

You say the relationship is fairly new. Why are you getting so involved in this child's life already?

Not going to comment on the rest but we also had a little one that loved sucking the paw of a soft toy. In the end we sewed it's arms to its sides so they still had the comfort of the toy but couldn't suck it. Worked a treat

Other than the bottle it all seems within the range of normal. If a new man has just been introduced into the house regressive behaviour is to be expected.

How long have you know the child before you started staying over? How much are you around?

I've got a nearly 4 year old.

Personally I find the drinking for a bottle odd. It's not recommended after 1st birthday due to the affect on teeth.

Using a potty.. is there a toilet in each floor? Is the potty used to avoid child having to go upstairs to the toilet? Does the child use a toilet? My concern with this is that she'll be starting school in September. She'll be expected to use a toilet there.

The comforter. I see no harm while are home or at night. But if this is sucked on when out and about. I'd be discouraging this, as I wouldn't want this to be happening at school.

The sleeping. Within normal range. Not every 4 year old will sleep through the night.

These are my opinions. At the same time. Each to their own. And I can see a parent getting defensive if questioned. The bottle drinking would be my biggest concern though.

What a great idea!

Lol an 'evaluation'? Are you the parenting inspector op? It's entirely up to the mother how she raises her child and couldn't have anything less to do with you.

Other than the potty, sounds fine to me. Is the child just turned 4, or almost 5?

My six year old still wakes multiple times in the night - we usually should “go back to sleep!” from our room, and he does, but the waking is not developmentally abnormal.

DS appears in our room every morning wanting a snuggle - again, totally normal to the point where there is a common parent joke about kids coming into your bed and waking you up early in the morning.

Lots of kids have milk before bed - should be before teeth brushing but otherwise I cannot see what the issue is. I know plenty of adults who have a cup of hot Horlicks at bedtime, this is really no different.

You seem very judgy, and are calling yourself “stepdad” even though this is “a new relationship” - honestly you need to take at least five steps back and let the child’s parents do the parenting. This has literally nothing to do with you.

Poor kid doesn't know whether she's coming or going!
Half her time with dad other half with mum and now a stranger has turned up in mum's bed saying she can't come in!
No wonder her behaviour is a little off.
She is just 4 - none of this seems completely out of sync with her age.
As a fairly new relationship, I think you should only be staying over when the child is at her dad's and leave the parenting to her parents.

The biggest issue here is that you have so much involvement with a child of a new partner.

The child’s mum really shouldn’t be allowing that and you shouldn’t be ok with it either if you’re so concerned about the child’s welfare.

Tex flags from both of you. Poor child.

*RED flags

'Stepdadding'

You're not her stepdad

I feel sorry for this poor child who's probably been through a lot already, and now 'stepdaddy' has swooped in making all these changes.

Sounds normal to me, especially for a little one with an eventful early life.

We could not get our little boy off the bottles (bed time, overnight and first thing) until after 3 years old. He accepted a switch to a soft spout sippee (aimed at 6+ months, but at least an improvement for teeth). He recently moved to a hard spout sippee more age appropriate. He also only gave up his dummies a couple of months ago aged 4 despite intensive efforts over the years. His teeth are fine says the dentist.

Potty to toilet is tricky. Mine uses the toilet out and about, at nursery, and to poop at home. He's really struggling to give up the potty for day time wees at home, despite heavy bribes. All people have their preferences and habits, even tiny people, and it's hard to change them.

They're all very very different and I think you're being naive about what other parents you think you know all about, aren't offering up about their kids. People don't just share info that's out of the perceived ordinary for fear of ignorance or judgement...

How new is this relationship if you’re sleeping round already? It sounds like you feel entitled to the mother’s bed at nighttime but it’s her child. Maybe you can save the overnights once the child is more used to you and has built a strong bond or trust.