Gentle parenting - How can I become gentle?

[4eyesbigthighs]

I get the just of gentle parenting, and sometimes I’m really good at it and I feel really proud that I parent the way I do.

other times.. and more like the majority of time now DD is 3 and going through lots of phases - and has a 1yo brother; I find my patience and my temper is so thin and I really despise myself for it sometimes.

Ive become this shouting mess that constantly threatens to put DD in time out sometimes for really trivial things. I don’t know why I just seem to have lost all sense of patience. I find myself apologising almost every night at the moment, telling her I’m sorry for shouting and how much I love her.

I had a shouty, teether bearing/grinding type of childhood; my dad especially had a short temper and he would scare the crap out of us as kids if we were naughty. I don’t want history to repeat; although I have a good relationship with my dad I remember being scared of his getting angry and I don’t want my own children to feel this way.

So with that; is there a book that focuses on controlling my own feelings first? I’ve got the capabilities is gentle parent my children, I just don’t have the capability to be patient enough to be consistent with it!

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read is great - helped me make the connection between the behaviour from DD that really winds me up and how my parents responded to me when I behaved like that. They hated any negative emotion (because they wanted me to be happy) so I find it really stressful when DD is whingy or upset. I've had to train myself to not overreact to it.

@KatieKat88 even that makes a lot of sense. I do find myself getting frustrated when she’s whining. Thank you. I’ll take a look!

The Calm Parent book is also worth reading. I didn't find anything groundbreaking in it, but it's good to be mindful of how to break intergenerational cycles.

We all want to gentle parent. But in reality when you've asked nicely 10 times and it's still not done, what are we meant to do ? (Genuine question).

Consequences?

I have no answers I'm sorry. Following for tips.

@MrsRickAstley that a good question. I find myself repeating myself so much throughout the day.

the most recent biggest peeve is pouring every single toy out of the toy box but when asked to tidy up I’m met with ‘no I don’t want to’ ‘you do it’ or just plain ignorance. She’ll be finished playing with mega blocks but doesn’t want to pick them up.. even if I offer to help her do it she wont. I just don’t understand how I can teach her things like tidying up after herself when she is so painstakingly defiant 😅

Consequence wise. I read you’re not meant to give concequences that aren’t related to the thing in question. But I’ve tried before to say “Please help me put the block away that you got out; otherwise I’m going to take them away to the attic and we won’t play with them again.” To which she just agrees that they can go in the attic 🫠 which isn’t fair on my 1 year old 😂

MrsRickAstley
You can use a gentle parenting approach and still have consequences. A common misconception about gentle parenting is that it's about endless words and no boundaries (and this isn't helped by parents who are permissive and lazy claiming they're gentle parenting).

Gentle parenting is about parenting with respect and holding boundaries calmly with love rather than through shouting, using isolation, humiliation etc. Usually the consequences are natural or logical.

Eg. I won't ask DC 10 times to pick their toys up. They're expected to do it, I'll check in with them, offer to help them if appropriate, and if they don't then the toys are removed until they're able to look after them.
I won't tell DC to put a coat on 5 times. If it's a safety issue then it's no coat = not going outside. If it isn't a safety issue then fine, they don't wear a coat and the natural consequence is they get wet or cold.

Sometimes I've found that so much parenting is parenting from fear, fear of what people think, fear that if you don't come down like a ton of bricks and teach them a lesson then your DC will be badly behaved, fear that people who have age-inappropriate expectations of emotional regulation might judge. Dropping the rope and being honest with myself about the expectations I had and the boundaries I chose made a big difference because it's easier to hold boundaries that matter Vs holding a boundary because I've made a split second decision, it doesn't actually matter and Im being too stubborn to change my mind.

I think it is really helpful to try and stem what really triggers you.

It's not unreasonable for example to have a short temper if DC is hitting/causing pain, but often people have specific triggers outside of that which mean we over react to random things.

Mine for example is that I grew up in a very much "don't make a scene" family so that combined with low self confidence means I'm very worried that people think I'm a really awful parent in public. I had some counselling for my anxiety, but also knowing that this is about feeling the public shame aspect rather than because of the behaviour means I can focus on how I respond. I've practiced a couple of scenarios, responses etc so I feel more in control (of myself) in public.
It's really helpful for me to not get too caught up in "but everyone can see they are crying in public, must make them stop" and it's allowed me to be confident in my response rather than just trying to shut them up.

My DP finds food refusal hard, as it feels like rejection of their hard work. We've done a couple of things to make it better eg. DP has stopped investing so much energy in making food because that just makes the inevitable decline much harder. Sometimes with food based things, I'm just better at dealing with it.

My Mil has a real strong sense that people are laughing at her from being bullied, which she's passed on to my sil so they find silliness/perceived disrespect really hard. It's tricky to watch as an outsider as they fly off the handle at what looks like odd times, I wish we had the relationship to tell them that DN isn't laughing at you, their just 2.

You'll inevitably get responses on this that tell you that you don't need to be gentle, that gentleness is no boundaries etc.

For me, my stance is of course its okay to be annoyed, but it has to be proportionate to what's happened.
Eg for my dp, when dc says no I don't want that, or that they don't like it, he needs to remain firm but fair rather than losing his rag because he spent hours making it, had to go to the store to get the flour and seeing it as a rejection rather than just a kid not liking courgette. Removing our spiciness means that we can actually decide how we want to react.

Re Puting Toys Away

Start from thr POV that it's your job, as parent of a toddler, totidy up at them. Teaching them to tidy up after themselves is not about helping you out (at this age), it's educational.

So don't assume any actual help. Use that acceptance to kead your thoughts. Eg - there's a reason I avoid painting, because the tidying up (which is all on me) takes ages.

From that POV, view toddler "helping" as a gradual learning experience rather than functional help. Eg - while you are tidying up, put one blue brick into toddlers hand and say "put that brick in the box please". Then cheer when they do. End of help. Or, pass me that red brick (and you put into box). If toddler helps with one piece easily, try for another one. If they don't, leave it until next time.

I agree with a lot of the content here, but oh god, the term "gentle parenting " is hideous.

Agree with a lot of the content here, but oh god, the term "gentle parenting " is hideous
Agree. I don't like the term, but it's a useful shorthand for "calm and respectful authoritative parenting that invests in teaching expectations, setting children up for success and actively chooses to examine how our own experiences influence our parenting^.

I think too often people overemphasize the gentle and not give enough weight to the parenting point

Just here for the solidarity. I also have a 1yo and 3yo. It's tough. I have no answers other than having constant activities to engage them. Having the time to plan and implement this though is impossible.