Need help with awful horrible toddler

[Sam648685]

Please help my 3 year old is such a horrible little girl I'm at my wits end right now. I feel like she makes my life a misery. This has been going on for months she'll say mum can I do this? I'll say no then she does it. She hits, bites, throws things to break them. The other day was getting my mum some lovely mothers day plants in pots at the garden centre she grabbed one threw on the floor and ruined it I said how sad grandma would be she later threw another one and ruined that which were the last 2 reduced. Today I paid a lot for breakfast with easter bunny she did nothing but naughty things threw her left over food on the floor, messing up the easter display when I kept asking her not to touch, ripped the table cover on purpose, they planted some seeds in a plant pot she threw that all over the floor, kept pulling and hurting the easter bunny even the helper girl asked her not to twice and she didn't listen I was so embarrassed. Yesterday I'd got her an easter book with cloth puppet in she wiped her nose on it then when I said how that wasn't a nice thing to do she picked up a cloth easter doll I'd got her and wiped her nose on that too. I try to be a gentle parent. Don't say horrible things, never have hit and try not to shout. The past 2 days I've been at my wits end though and for the first time had 2 horrible rants at her and said some really nasty things which I feel awful for. I said she's a horrible little girl and I don't want to be her mum any more and she makes my life a misery and I wish I was on my own again. My dad used to say awful things to me as well as hitting and messed me up and I really don't want to be like him. I'm just at my wits end where I just don't like my little girl anymore and don't want to be around her and had enough please can someone give me some advice? Things I could Try to do? any good books? Got a weeks holiday with her on Friday which I'm dreading because it will just be her playing up me being angry and stressed and then guilty for it 😔. I'm a single mum I do try my best with her I take her out every day the park, soft play,a group, swimming etc then in the afternoon I do admit I should play more with her I do struggle to play but I do try maybe that's my problem I don't play with her enough. I read to her every night I do try. I just don't know what to do.

Have you read "How to talk so little kids listen"? That's the only toddler behaviour book over really found helpful.

You sound very sad. Firstly, apologise to her for what you said. It's a crucial thing that you only ever label the behaviour, not the child. There's a huge difference between "that was a horrible thing to do" and "you are a horrible girl". Tell her you love her very much and always will, but that she has had some naughty behaviours that you don't like.

Then, basic rules. Kind hands. Be polite. Behave in a way that makes us both proud. Enforce these rules religiously.

Make sure you give attention when she's being good. Parenting isn't about big experiences and maybe she's not ready for days out as you describe just yet. It's about shared games, shared stories, familiar places, routines. Get those embedded first. "When you were a tiny baby you used to ...". My kids remember that after the bath they used to hide under a towel and we'd pretend we couldn't see them. That kind of thing.

She needs a secure base of your time and your stories - not stuff. She isn't valuing stuff just now.

She’s 3. I think you’re putting too much pressure on both of you.
impulse control at 3 is very low.
you’re doing lots of things with her… does she actually enjoy them or is she getting overstimulated?

if she does something bad, form voice- we don’t do that it hurts/gets broken/means we can’t play.
if she’s playing up take her outside to calm down.

you’re a single parent- does she go to nursery? At 3 you can get at least 15 funded hours. That will give you a break and give her a chance to learn from others.

I’m a single parent to a 3 year old and I struggle. He’s at nursery whilst I’m at work but it’s still bloody hard. I take a lot of deep breaths!
Don’t rant at her, she’s still learning.

On the very off chance that this is real, why aren’t you parenting her properly and stopping her doing all these things?

What consequences do you give for her bad behaviour? Time out? Naughty step?

Doesn’t sound as you provide any discipline, just days out and playing a treats. She’s running rings around you.

I mean, this! Surely no parent would say ‘oh my child was acting like a wild animal at the Easter breakfast, breaking everything and hurting people, oh I was sooo embarrassed.’ Because when your child starting hurting others you wouldn’t just sit there and be ‘embarrassed’ by the helper asking them not to. You’d leave.

I think you need to practice being clear and definitive with boundaries. Example would be if you hit someone, we apologise, get told off and leave immediately and clearly told why. If you you break something on purpose you are told off, given a brush and have to help clear it up. When you refuse you sit on the naughty step/whatever boring thing she can't get out of until its cleared up, and then clearly told why it's not allowed. Short and to the point, you can be gentle and maintain boundaries.

What are the consequences for her behaviour? Surely in the garden centre after she threw and broke the first plant pot, you would've removed her and taken her home, not given her a chance to destroy more plants! Also at the breakfast, how long was she present to create so much havoc and have to be asked by the helpers to stop? She's only three so going to have some tantrums and impulsive behaviour, but she's never going to learn not to do these things if the only consequence is you wringing your hands in the background and asking her to please be nice.

Did you have an emotionally attuned primary caregiver? To be blunt it sounds like you don't know what to expect from a three year old or how to parent her, and so I'd approach this like learning piano. Go on a parenting course by your local children's centre, read the Phillipa Perry book etc and start practising.

More info needed eg does she see her dad, or does she remember him if he left a while ago but no contact? Do other adults talk about things she could overhear - little ears can pick up on things. Your own emotional and mental health also has a big impact.

Children need firm boundaries so they know what to do. So as soon as she threw the pot, you would remove her and explain in very simple language. But I would also say you need to observe and watch for triggers - read her emotional state. That way you can ward off and prevent unwanted behaviour - redirect her to something positive and give her praise for the positive.

She needs firm boundaries and consequences. She won’t get it right every time because she’s 3 but if she ignores a direction (don’t hit the bunny) and does it again you leave.

You sound like you go from too soft to too hard. Where’s the in between?

Things like the easter bunny event - you need to be giving her one warning and if behaviour is repeated remove her from the event. Make sure her opportunities to misbehave are removed. Clear boundaries. Ignore a lot of it - sounds as if she's doing some of it to get a reaction from you?
Really importantly, develop aware of how your dad's behaviour is affecting your parenting. You know you hated it but you are repeating it - it's a horrible cycle. You can break this.

I would try reading the explosive child there are good strategies in there

I'm all for gentle parenting, but you still need to actually parent your child - that includes discipline. 'Discipline' doesn't need to be physical but it needs to be immediate, understood and consistent. I'm very much getting the impression that you're not actually putting boundaries on place, nor any structured discipline.

What are the consequences of your daughter's actions? Naughty step? Time out? Those are just two examples of non physical, but highly effective discipline.

Firstly, apologise to her for what you said. Tell her from now on we’re going to be learning to be a big girl. If she’s good lots of praise, even praise for small things, listening when in a shop, sitting nicely. Tell her because you’ve been so good we can do x. The minute she pushes the boundary warn her, tell her an immediate consequence and does it again, stop and give her that consequence. It’s hard but you have to keep it up. Don’t give in to demands or begging you that she’ll be good now. Stand firm!

She isn’t being naughty. She isn’t being horrible or awful.

All behaviour is communication. She is behaving like this because this is how she gets attention.

Praise the good, ignore the bad. Role model appropriate behaviour.

Any attention on a behaviour will increase that behaviour. So if you’re always telling her off, saying “no, don’t do that”, she’s going to keep doing those things.

Does she go to pre school? If not this might be helpful for both of you - offer her the chance to have fun with children her age and you an opportunity to have a break.

I would say ignore as much as possible and only pick up on the more serious behaviours. Otherwise you get into a cycle of saying no and negativity becomes a great way to get your attention. For example, when she wiped her nose on the book I would have ignored this and cleaned the book later. If she continued to do it to get my attention I would walk away and pretend to be very interested in something else.

Basically any poor behaviour results in no attention rather than getting wound up. Obviously for hitting and biting the reaction is different, but you really want to take the attention away from all the negative behaviour.

I feel like most of the previous posters have no experience of wild toddlers. I had one angel and one like yours and did very little differently. Soo ignore those criticising your parenting. Wild 3 year olds rarely respond well to consequences/harsh parenting.

Things that helped me.

1. Distraction. If she's messing with the Easter display you've told her not to touch move her to an activity to engage her.
2. Remember that she has low impulse control. 'What would happen if I break this-let's see' therefore whilst she might understand that they'll be consequences she's doesn't have the control to stop regardless.
3. Make sure she has time to run wild with no restrictions - park or fields are good. Burn off energy and can't really break things.
4. Remove her from situations if you need to. If she hurts someone take her straight home.
5. Make sure she's getting enough sleep.
6. Give her tablet/tv and get yourself a cup of tea. You sound frazzled and exhausted.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Break the spell of rewarding bad behaviour OP. Stop giving her treats when she behaves badly an reward good behaviour with praise and hugs.

Sounds like you have slipped into permissive rather than gentle parenting. My youngest is 3 year old who is also testing boundaries and I’m a gentle parent. I would have discussed behaviour expectations and what would be happening before we got out of the car at the Easter thing. You only have one child so it’s much easier to put consequences in place. I would have removed my child from the Easter bunny thing if they behaved this way.

OP, just to let you know. You are not alone. I completely understand what you feel: guilt, anger, frustration, lost, dreading for what's coming next, wanting to do better but don't know how...

I was just left DH and the DCs half way into a day out, because I couldn't stand the constant battle with DS2 who's turning 4 next month. Same like your DD, he's been pushing the boundaries non stop on nearly everything. Nearly EVERY SINGLE THONG is a battle. He only wants to take (cuddles and cares), but unwilling to give (listen and follow). I'm really lost not knowing what to do and feeling completely failed to be a mum.

I can't provide much wise words, as I don't have the answer. There are lots of good points others have mentioned already. Consequence and consistency are probably the key. We never needed to do much discipline with our DC1, but he has a complete personality (less spirited). With DS2, we reach a stage he knows he could get away from throwing a tantrum and do little naughty acts but still get away without paying the price. Hence, nothing could restrain his behaviour. We are on holiday at the moment, so it's more difficult to impose consequences when out and about. But once we are back, we need to have a set rules to set the boundaries and the expectations.

It's really hard to do parenting on your own, as you don't get much breathing space and another person to fall back or take the heat out of the situation. But you can be sure that you are the only one your child would rely on and look for approval over time. And you have the full control on when and what. Just make sure it's a consistent system and explain to your DD each time to reinforce the idea.

Lots of hugs - it will get better. It will.