I don't even know where to start. We had our first child together last May who passed away a week later due to prematurity. My ex was horrible throughout that pregnancy - disappearing, drinking, found out later cheating. After the passing of our son he seemed to change, was very supportive etc. We discussed having another child and made promises he would be supportive - We conceived our second child 3 months after my sons passing. Withing a couple of months my ex was back to disappearing, drinking, taking drugs and cheating. He would disappear for a week. Then come back around for another week or a few days, make promises and like a fool I'd believe him and then he would be gone again. I'm due for a section in 8 days. I got to a point a couple of weeks ago that I gave my ex an ultimatum either he stops drinking and taking drugs and gets help or we are done. He left and hasn't stopped partying since. I've had false labour scares and have tried contacted him but he ignored me. I know in my heart he is off with other women. I'm completely heartbroken and I hate myself for still wanting to be loved by him. He's done nothing to help prepare for this baby, he's given no money, he's not supported me in grieving my son at all. Today should have been my first boys first Easter and my ex didn't even contact me - he's out, drinking taking drugs, spending his money probably with his tongue down another woman's throat. He has 2 other kids from a previous relationship and he had them this weekend and I know he just spent the weekend in bed dieing from his come down.
Hes gone completely off the rails with his addictions and has done so the last 9 months. He wasn't always this bad - before my first pregnancy he wasn't like this. He went like this with my first pregnancy and now this pregnancy- both of our children we planned so the shock thing doesn't excuse it.
I just don't know how to cope with it all - I'm absolutely heartbroken in one sense. Wished he'd love me and we could be a family in another sense. Despise and hate him for everything he has and continues to do to me - last night he called and I said how flat put I was after putting furniture together, how broke I was but still needed to buy x y and z - and yet he didn't even bother contacting me today to come round to put a roof on the shed he started 6 weeks ago and he's out spending money - he just doesn't care how much he hurts me. He has no respect for me. The way he talks to me sometimes/most times of late.
I don't know if I want him at the birth, but if I don't allow him I feel like that's unfair on the baby. My ex hasn't even said for sure he wants to be there. I don't know if I want him at the hospital, again don't even know if my ex will show up.
A part of me just wants to cut my ex out of our lives - I read its not fair on a child but if my child isn't his priority isn't that worse? Won't my child feel like he's not good enough. My mother was an alcoholic and made me feel terrible. I was much better off when I cut her out of my life when I was a young adult.
I just don't know what to do anymore for the best - I'm too emotional because I loved this man (I must be delusional) - I sometimes think he isn't always this bad, which is true but then there's times he is really bad - my child will be exposed to this inconsistency. Maybe if my child isn't exposed to this toxic person, I could find a nice man to step up to be his dad down the line and my child would be better off? Or is that the wrong thing to do?