I hate this

[DuckLover123]

I’ve name changed so I can completely open up and talk about my troubles without this being linked to anything else. I’m sure I’ll get piled on for some of the things I say but I don’t care anymore.

I’m a mum of two and I hate being a parent. I HATE it. Growing up, I never wanted kids. I was the only one in my friendship group that didn’t see myself having kids until I got pregnant with someone I was sleeping with casually for nearly two years.

I kept the baby and DD’s dad and I eventually got into a relationship. I got pregnant with my second child when DD was only three months old but during that pregnancy I realised our relationship wasn’t going to work. There was a lot of broken promises and he flat out refused to get a job (till this day he still doesn’t have one.)

Fast forward to now, DD will be 2 in May and DS will be 1 in a couple of weeks. My son was full term but spent a handful of months in NICU. When he was 4/5 months old, we found out he had a rare genetic disorder which is an intellectual disability. He has appointments all the time. I’m talking physio, OT, dietician, paediatrician, neurologist, ophthalmologist and we’re waiting for him to start portage. A lot of these appointments are even weekly!

My daughter now has suspected Autism and we have an appointment for her next month to start speech therapy as she doesn’t have any words at all. I also work three days a week to bring in extra money to the house so things constantly feel non stop. I was diagnosed with PND last summer and I’m on antidepressants which have made a slight difference.

The trouble is, I really have a strong hate for being a parent and I feel like I can’t be with my kids by myself. They’re not in danger or anything like that but I have no patience for anything. My son is really peaceful and will just sit in his little chair and play with a toy. But my daughter is so destructive. She isn’t actually doing anything wrong, just toddler things like chucking all the toys out of the toy box. Climbing up on the buggy to play with the light switch despite being asked to get down 1000 times.

This evening I put her in her cot so I could just get a breather for 5 minutes but I really feel like I can’t cope. To make things worse, I’ve been struggling so much that their dad is here basically everyday to look after the kids. That’s great right? A dad doing what they’re meant to do (bar actually working) and looking after their kids. But whenever he wants to go out, either to go and visit a friend or see his mum, I get so scared to be by myself. Anxiety literally hits my throat and chest straight away and I feel like I won’t cope without his help.

I’m not sure why I’m posting, no one can help me. I have a severely disabled child and everyday I feel like I’m drowning. But I put a smile on my face and act like I’m okay when I’m seriously not. I know people will pile on me saying why did I have two kids with someone who doesn’t work. I don’t even care about that anymore. I just can’t be a good parent because I hate the responsibility so much. I wish I could run away and never come back. My chest is tight writing this, thank you to anyone who’s read this

Having a disabled child is fucking hard. Hard hard hard.
No one but other parents in your situation will ever understand. Seek out parents with children like yours for support. Maybe from portage. They will be your strength.
And contact your local children's hospice or community nursing team for respite care. Take care

I have no experience of parenting a disabled child but couldn't read and run. Two children aged 2 and 1 is hard work even without the disability, it does get easier (mine are now 5 and 3 and the last year or so has been game-changing) but that doesn't help much with the here and now. I would ask for and accept help wherever you can, and try to carve out some time to be by yourself - easier said than done I know, but even going to the supermarket without kids in tow can ease the anxiety a little. I hope things get better for you x

What are your days like? Can you just get out everyday somewhere and just come back for meals and naps? X

@DuckLover123 I'm sending you a big hug I have been in your shoes.
It does get easier, or you learn to cope- I'm not actually sure which one, but I don't feel anywhere near as hopeless as I used to. My DD is disabled, severely autistic. I'm absolutely ashamed to say one day I just felt like I couldn't cope and left her in bed asleep when she was about 3 (she still slept in a cot) and went out for about 2 hours as I just felt I couldn't live this life anymore. I came back and cried and cried but I carried on. I have never told anyone in real life this. DD is now 14 and I still have tough days- today was one of those days- but there are now good days too.

Thank you so much for the really nice comments. They’ve actually made me quite emotional.

People say it’s get easier over time which is something I’ve even found to be true. But I’m still struggling so much. Day in. Day out. I feel bad for complaining because in comparison to other people (whether single parents or other mum’s who are in relationships), I have so much freedom.

The kid’s dad is very supportive about my mental health struggles and I can hand on heart say that he takes care of the physical load. He’ll be here everyday and if I want to go outside to take myself to a coffee shop, then I will. I work three times a week and I usually watch a film after work for free (a work perk). I try to go to the gym and all in all, I have a lot of time to myself.

It’s when I have the kids by myself, I realise just how much I struggle. Maybe I’ve become so dependent on their dad it’s as if I can’t handle it when I’m on my own. It could be that because there’s no adult to talk to in the room, my emotions feel like they’re suffocating me along with DD acting like a wild child.

It’s crazy because the child who has the severe disability, is the easiest to manage. That may be because he can’t crawl, stand or walk and can just about sit up. But it’s difficult with my daughter because she’s climbing everywhere, running everywhere and screaming because she can’t use words to communicate.

It’s just fucking hell. It really is. I feel bad that I always guilt trip their dad for leaving the house to do other things but I just can’t do this myself, it’s all so overwhelming.

@eastendgirl10 Thank you for sharing your story. It’s so tough when you feel like that isn’t it? You just feel like you’re not going to make it to the other side and you can’t cope at all. It’s so draining but I’m so happy to hear that you now have good days with your daughter. Sending you a lot of love

Being blunt it’s not surprising you feel this way, you had no plan to be a mum and then had two very close together with added complications. many people in much easier circumstances struggle the same, so you are doing great just being present. Your life changed drastically in a very short space of time I think most people would find it overwhelming.

Could you formalise an agreement with you partner (ex, sorry not sure if you live together) where he is the main carer and you work as a co-parenting arrangement. If he’s better with the kids and he doesn’t want to work this may be a more suitable temporary arrangement. Consider AD, I think your response is entirely rational given the circumstances but it’s worth exploring of PND is not making it feel a bit worse. I really struggled to get to grips with parenting for a long time but it can get better x I found with my very active DD that getting her in a swimming pool is one of the best ways to help her get some energy out and get her a bit calmer.

I’m just so sorry 💐

Check out the SN boards as so much info on there. Does DD not communicate at all? Does she show many ASD traits?

You’re right, it’s absolutely true. It was never in my plans to be a parent and then I had two back to back with additional issues. It’s been difficult from the start.

Sorry no my ex and I don’t live together (he still lives with his mum) but he really is here practically everyday. I feel like a bad mum saying it, but this is how our set is. It’s as if he’s the stay at home parent and I’m the one who works, takes my son to all his appointments and other things. Their dad does a lot so there is a balance, just what sort of mum practically isn’t the main carer for her kids?

When you say consider AD, what do you mean? As in, consider Autism? Sorry not sure if I’ve misunderstood that part. It’s a great idea to take DD swimming, she has so much energy inside and I think that may tire her out. Thanks so much for your post and suggestions

your two year old will be eligible for free nursery hours via the health visiting service due to social and emotional needs and your struggle to cope. This will really help the children and you. Really feel for you OP but reach out and get support. Even contact local council nurseries directly and speak to the head.

@Marchsnowstorms thank you! Because the SN board is hidden from Active and Trending I sometimes forget that it’s there. I’ll head over there now and follow the topic too.

I mean DD can communicate in her own way. If she wants a toy to be turned on, she’ll give you the toy. If she wants something that she can’t reach or is stuck, she’ll scream and look at you for you to sort it out. But in terms of speaking or even having her own words for things (nana for banana, that sort of stuff) she has zero. She babbles here and there but still no actual words at all.

She shows quite a few ASD traits such as struggling to give/maintain eye contact, hardly responds to her name, gets extremely upset if you break her routine (something like brushing her teeth before getting her ready for bed, it HAS to be the other way round). Sensory issues with food and really struggles with certain textures, gets so upset if she doesn’t like the food that you try to give her. A lot of repetitive movements with her hands, walking on tip toes. She likes to play by herself and doesn’t have much of a social aspect with other kids at all. She just ignores them.

I can go on and on but those are the things that have made me concerned. She also doesn’t point or understand what pointing is. She has her first SALT appointment next month so hopefully we can get the ball rolling and see how we can help her

Thank you so much, I didn’t know you could go through the Health Visitor to get some support with free nursery hours.

Luckily DD is starting nursery the day after she starts two and will be doing three half days a week. I think she’ll enjoy it as she can run around and burn some energy. It’ll be nice to have some hours with just DS as he’s so much more calmer and I feel like I can handle him on his own. It’s just when there’s two to deal with it becomes so very difficult

I have three step children with additional needs, it’s really really hard work and sometimes you feel like you don’t want to parent. Sending hugs x

Your life is really hard. It is OK to hate it right now. I think you are doing amazing.

Even though your ex/the kids' dad is not exactly a stand-up breadwinner, it sounds like he is not entirely useless with the children. So, is making use of him as a full-time caregiver while you work (and keep your sanity) an option?

I hope you get the help you need.

I just saw you wrote earlier, "What sort of mum isn't the main carer for her kids?". Oh, lots! I've many female friends who prefer to work ft and have kids in childcare. I've got SAH dad friends. It doesn't make you a bad mother! Everyone has a different balance, and having kids in good quality childcare or being mainly cared for by dad is a valid and worthy parenting decision.

@DuckLover123 yes those concerns do sound like ASD. There loads of info about ASD toddlers on insta too that is enlightening. Lots about accepting that's how they are & helps reframe it.

Thank you for the really kind comments. Their dad is more or less the main carer for them, he just looks after them at my house as there’s not enough space at his mum’s house. Again, I cannot fault him (except for having no money:/) as he really does lighten the load. I just feel inadequate when I’m by myself with the kids and I don’t know how to fix that?

@Marchsnowstorms thank you, that’s helpful to know. Do you have any pages in mind in particular or should I have a look around? I am on Instagram so shouldn’t be too hard to find good pages

I think once you click on some you'll see more as insta will pick it up. Happy hands with Hallie is one. US but shows typical behaviours

@Marchsnowstorms thanks so much for your help. It’s much appreciated! X

You poor sweetheart. Very brave if you to have opened up here. No words of advice, you’ve had plenty already, just wanted to say I hear you and many parents feel like this, whether their kids are neuro typical or not. It’s just that not many people will admit it.
but you need more support so make finding it your main focus next. Join groups, speak to your GP, anything you can think of. What you’re dealing with is too much for a single person.

Thank you so much @ThisIsaNiceDress for your nice words, it really means a lot. I’m not sure what more support I can have but I do admit that I’m struggling and feel like I’m drowning. I can’t live like this long term