Ferber Method Advice

[Evie135]

Mostly writing this as a distraction while my LG cries on our first night of Ferber.
Please tell me your success stories?!
Also if my LG doesn’t fully settle when I go back in, so I just leave again, or should I stay with her until she settles again? She’s pretty much crying as much while I’m there.
This is tough but anything has to be better than our terrible sleep!!

How old is she?

Oh and do I need to do this for every night wakening too?

Probably not what you want to hear but go in and settle her. Babies cry because they need comforting. Just lie with her / soothe her. This stage will pass. Parenthood is short lived before you know it they won't need comforting to sleep. Make sure you fill your cup too though and self care x

She is 8 months.

That is awful. Go and comfort your daughter.

The more comforted she feels right now the more confident she will be as time goes on to fall asleep on her own. It will pass! 8 months is tough, lots going on! Try laying her down and putting your head on her chest for a minute or two, and lots of shushing. I used to have to rock my daughter to sleep every night, was killing me. She's 13 months now and I sit with her for 5-10 mins, give her a kiss and she just rolls over and goes to sleep. But it's taken quite a while of sitting with her for longer/responding to her enough for her to know she's never going to be left alone if she needs us. Sending solidarity x

We did pick me up, put me down with minimal crying which worked well for us.

He was up every 1-2h and it was rough but the screaming I wouldn't have been able to take. It just went against my instinct.

Ferber is so horrible. Your poor baby. She's only 8 months. Why the rush?

I didn't follow any particular method, OP, but when DC1 was I think 7 months I let them cry themselves to sleep. It took about 10 minutes, and went on for 2 nights. After that DC slept through without problems (is now 20 and no further sleep issues). In the morning, if they're ready to get up then get them up, but not if it's very early - don't go in if they want to get up at 5am. So try to get them into the habit of getting up at 7am, or whatever. Obviously, don't put them to bed too early and make sure they have an active day and eat and drink properly. Please resist all this totally unreasonable pressure from people to torture yourself and the child for what could go on for several years. Just do this and get on with your much more rested, happier lives. And by the way, it's not possible to "self care" and "fill your cup" when you don't get enough sleep.

How many minutes are you going in between?

Yes, I agree - just comfort her. We always had the rule ‘the most sleep for the most people’. At 8 months that often meant me co sleeping with one of my twins in a double bed so we could both sleep. I (and he) (and DH) didn’t get nearly as much sleep when DS was in a cot in another room and waking up every couple of hours.
It’s a phase. She’ll grow out of it. Meanwhile she needs you.

I haven't tried this method so I don't have any advice. I've always responded to my baby's cry every single time. But I just want to say that the 8 month sleep regression is tough! Hang in there, you're doing a great job.

We did controlled crying with my son when he was 14 months old after months of little to no sleep and broken sleep.

I had PND, my marriage was at breaking point and my son was also miserable.

We did it on advice from my HV and it worked within 3 nights.

We did 2 mins settle, 4 mins settle, 6 mins settle and so on bur actually going on made my son worse and more worked up.

On night 2 we left him to cry- we knew he was fed, dry, not sick just majorly tired. It was horrendous and he cried for about 35-40 mins I think. Next time was about 20 mins and then after that he went to bed no problem and slept all night.

Lots of people disagree with it and slate parents for doing it. They say it's neglect and you're not responding to the child's need however I needed to do it for my own mental health and sanity.

My son was a much happier baby after we did it as he was getting the much needed sleep he wasn't getting before.

He is now nearly 3 and still goes to bed no issues (99% of the time) and can get himself to sleep.

It was horrible at the time but 3 nights of hell is definitely worth the long term benefits IMO.

I also did controlled crying with my DD. It worked very quickly and so was totally worth the stress. We just went in every 10 minutes to check she was ok, but not touch her. Every night it got quicker and easier and within a couple of days she had completely stopped crying before sleep.

I do think 8 months is very very young still and your baby needs your comfort. My baby is the same age and sleep is also terrible & I'm now back at work however I know this stage will pass. Co-sleeping helps me get more sleep. Sorry not the advice you wanted.

I am so on the fence with this. Personally I couldn’t leave my baby to cry like that but I’m struggling to continue as I am at the moment due to night wakings every hour.
OP, would you consider a gentler method that although may involve your baby crying, you don’t leave them alone so they know that you’re still there?

In response so your question though, yes you are supposed to do this for every waking. Does she still need a night feed though?

Not done it but have read the book and spoken to friends who did similar methods and had great success. I remember from the book he says you can half the intervals for a baby if it feels too long to start with. Good luck.

How did you go from rocking to this? My LO is 23 months and I still rock her, it’s killing me but if I put her in the cot awake she gets hysterical!

Please comfort your baby

Meant to tag you in my reply!

A little at a time I think, getting her used to it. I would pick her up if she got upset, but put her back down pretty quickly, lay my head on her chest, hold her hand. Try to have a decent build up to actually going in the cot so she feels comfortable. I actually use a light projector which she loves, I know some don't recommend it because it can over stimulate but it works for us. I put the projector on, let her explore the cot, give her cuddles if she needs it, then turn it off and give her a kiss and leave. But at the start I would sit with her until she fell asleep which obviously took longer. I held her hand and sang to her a lot. I feel for you - when my daughter gets hysterical she literally throws up and it's so awful, but it can (and will!) definitely get better. If she cries when you put her down just give her a minute and see if she calms down. I think just routine and persistence is key. Maybe find something that you know she loves in the daytime and try and incorporate it into your routine. Im not an expert by any means, but I think it's just about familiarity and keeping it calm, and getting the timing right 👍

By the way this only works for night times for us - she won't even entertain the idea of napping in the cot! so like it say - no expert!

Thanks for the reply! I stay with her and sing and pat, shush etc but she just won’t have it!

I don't think it's fair to try and make the OP feel bad about this with the very limited information given.

I'm not advising anyone here - just sharing my experience. My LO was waking every hour, would only sleep on someone because of undiagnosed silent reflux. Once this was sorted, they could finally sleep alone as they were no longer in pain, however had become used to frequent night wakings. They were tired and so were we. No one was getting good sleep. Plus, they were crying each night 3-4 times for 15-20 mins while being resettled back to sleep. Did Ferber and the first night did involve crying, but after that second night was minimal and by 3rd night could get through to early hours then a quick feed and back to sleep. My point is, yes there was a lot of crying that first night but we had crying every night before and now none.

I went in and calmed for 2 mins, crying would basically stop and then yes, did start up again as soon as I left. This went on for 1 hour the first night, about 20 mins the next. So for us it really, really worked.

I'd say the most important thing is DO NOT START unless you are willing to see it through. To start and then stop is cruel. To sometimes respond to cries, sometimes not, it's not fair.

Also, a baby will respond to this much better than an older child.

Finally, I would say make sure there is nothing medical as the reason baby is waking up. Rule out anything else first. Make sure they are on an age appropriate routine so are not over or under tired which could be leading to the wake ups. Hopefully, getting routine sorted and if baby is able to fall asleep by themselves at night sleeping won't be necessary. But if it is, stick to it and don't stop.