What do I tell my daughter?

[Mustbemad5kids]

This is my first post, always been a lurked though, so Hi😊
My story is a bit tragic but not looking for sympathy coz I'm over it_i think!
I'm 41 and have just given birth to my 5th child, she's 7 weeks old and bloody perfect.
She is the product of rape, I left the city in which this took place when I was 4 months pregnant and started a fresh. Initially I was going to terminate but just couldn't and now I'm so glad I didn't!
My beautiful baby is asleep atm and I was just gazing at her when it dawned on me for the first time since she was born, what will I tell her??
Advice very much appreciated ladies x

You tell her nothing. Why would you put that burden on her?

I would agree with this.

Can you contact your local rape crisis centre? They will have counselling and support around how to handle these things. You've got a bit of time. Thing is if you don't tell her that will lead to other lies about who her father is why she doesn't see him etc.
What you've done, having her, raising her, loving her, after everything you've been through is incredible, don't forget how strong you are

I agree, don't tell your daughter or discuss with anyone else who might tell her

One day she will ask, or someone may tell her. You control the narrative a lot more if you're the one who tells her. When it's the right time. One of DD's friends didn't know who her dad was, which led to much speculation, not healthy. Given how many babies are born as products of war (rape), there are probably ways that many women have worked this out, to explain it's not the child's fault and protect their relationship. Think of Amanda Berry. People like her worked out what to say and when.

One of my relatives had twins after a rape. She tried but couldn't raise them herself.

I think contacting the rate crisis centre is a good idea . They will understand and have experience of this situation whereas we all can't really understand if we've never been through this . They may have counselling to help you . I hope so.

I think I would talk this through with someone from a rape crisis centre or a therapist. Sadly you won't be the only woman to face this dilemma.
There's two separate issues here. What's best for you and what is best for your child.
I'm not sure her knowing this about herself would be helpful as she would have to come to terms with the legacy of being a product of violence. But equally truth and honesty are important.
Tbh I really don't know. But commend your bravery in going through with this pregnancy and loving your baby.

People saying don’t tell her is fine but you need to work through an answer which will not make you feel shit but also protects her.

I agree there will be a lot to work through - were services aware . Is anyone supporting you now ?

Disagree with this completely. She may find out when older. Perhaps it’s coming from an adoption background, but I would tell her age appropriate things. You might actually get some helpful answers posting in the adoption or fostering boards as there will be posters with experience of this.

Just to clarify, I know she’s your birth child, but thinking experience wise those posters may have some very good advice.

I'm sorry to read this, congratulations however on your daughter.

I worked with a woman who's daughter was also the product of rape and her husband couldn't love the baby and told her during a very awful argument with her when she was a teenager, it really fucked her up for a while but... she DID get over it. Took therapy etc but she was able to have a wonderful adulthood even with this knowledge.

My first thought is, never let her know, however logically, if she ever decides to do some kind of ancestry dna thing as an adult, it leaves her at risk of contacting him unbeknownst to you.

I'd tell her once she reaches adulthood for her own safety, but that would be the only purpose of it.

I'd definitely seek professional advice and more than one opinion to be honest, see which advice you feel will suit your daughter the most, it is a horrid thing to know.

( I wouldn't really recommend lying either, even though that seems the best option, its easy to get caught in lies)

I'm so sorry this is the situation you've brought your beautiful daughter into, but you've been extremely strong and no doubt you will be amazing ❤

I agree with @UndercoverCop get some professional advice on this. If you lie you’ll have to concoct a whole lot of lies. Also there’s all this DNA stuff now online that lets people trace their genetics so when she’s older she might end up being contacted or wanting to make contact herself at which stage I feel like you probably should tell the truth

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you but congratulations on your DD who you obviously love very much.

I will disagree with those saying not to tell her. My DD was born via donor conception, completely different circumstances but a community in which many have not shared with their children the circumstances of conception. The rise of DNA testing is real and many children/ adults have found out later in life and it's been distressing for them. The advice is always early disclosure, however I appreciate it's doubly hard in your situation.

I would echo the advice to contact a rape crisis centre and get some specialised help on how to tell her and when the time is right . You don't want her finding out from someone else, or god forbid, she tracks down the man who did this via a Dna test and he tells her lies about it.

Best of luck and gentle hugs to you.

I also think you shouldn't keep it a secret.

Better to drip feed in an age appropriate way:

I don't know where he is, but we don't need him
He hurt me and wasn't nice, but I love you to bits
I didn't really want to have sex with him, but I am so glad to have you as my child
He raped me, but I chose to keep you

I'm sure with help you could come up with answers much better than mine.

I second the advice to get help from a specialist charity.
I personally wouldn’t lie to my child about something so fundamental.
As pp says, it’s about finding the age appropriate words. So “ I only met him once, never knew his name or anything about him” might be enough for quite a while.

Just wanted to say thanks for all the positive messages, cant tell you how much I appreciate it.
It sounds stupid but I was so focused on the act of bringing this child into the world and also so preoccupied with thoughts of how I would feel about her that this fairly obvious conundrum didn't really enter my thoughts. I can tell you now that I needn't have worried about my feelings! I'm completely besotted! Just as much as I was with my four grown up children who were very much born of love. In fact I feel perhaps more fiercely protective of her, maybe because if the circumstances and because I feel so sad that she wont have a father, well certainly no 'dad'
He's due in court next week for sentencing, looking at years rather than months I'm told, so at least for now I can focus on building a new life for me and my girl.
Thanks again for your advice x

It's going to court, so there is a paper trail where she can find out. I would make sure she knows in an age appropriate way at each stage of development, so it never comes as a huge shock. I'd get help from a therapist with experience in this area.

Sending you lots of love.