dieing fil and eight month old and relationship in pieces

[theotherfossilsister]

My lovely fil isn't that old, but he has one of these awful types of terminal cancer where we just don't know how long it will be. He has good days and bad days, good weeks, bad weeks - times we think he's on the brink of death and he bounces back. He has a lovely relationship with our baby. My dad died when I was pregnant so it's lovely and difficult to see, maybe there is some envy there. Our lives are kind of on hold, which I understand, as it's important DP and baby see FIL a lot. I was on holiday in Sicily when my dad died and feel all kinds of weird about it.

We spend every weekend at PILS (they live within walking distance) and DP goes up one evening a week with baby, normally coming back about nine pm. These are my three hours 'off' and although I miss baby I've come to enjoy them and use them to make the bed, do some reading while I go on breast pump, etc, but baby is becoming increasingly unsettled being up. We have so far put off establishing a routine because it's impossible with FIL, and also because he used to just be OK to sleep on DP as they chatted after dinner, or on FIL, but he's no longer able to do this and becomes cranky, cries, screams.

MIL doesn't believe in baby bedtime routines. She has previously stopped me from putting him to bed at theirs when we are staying over so she can keep cuddling him. She has also insisted on bottlefeeding when I was a new mum, and I count this as one of many reasons breastfeeding didn't work out (He has one bottle expressed milk a day though.) They both discourage us from weaning - ie. that food looks horrible, ugh. This reads like I don't like them, but I do. It's a strained relationship though

Last night at theirs baby was cranky, overstimulated, cried all night, ended up cosleeping with me while DP went to his childhood bedroom.

I really want to work on getting baby into a routine before he goes to nursery and I return to work. It doesn't have to be rigid, but just some routine so he's not going down at 2am (which sometimes happens because he's so unsettled.)

DP wants to continue brining him here during the week as MIL finds him a comfort, but I feel this is too much and unfair on a little baby who needs to be settled/have a routine.

I also feel like we don't have a chance to be a family of three, which sounds selfish as FIL is dieing, but I just wish we sometimes had weekends to do things together, even catch our breath.

When my dad was dieing DP was always saying how life must go on, etc, but there wasn't a grandchild then I guess, so it's different. I've also been very mentally ill since having DS and was in an MBU in September.

Why are you staying over if you’re in walking distance? It sounds like you need to find your inner tiger Mum.

Definitely stop the staying over.

Also, pop in I er the weekend - even just an hour each day, but not all day, every day .

And yes, it's time to start a routine. Could you pop round with the baby one afternoon in the week and DH go in his own one evening?

You need to start doing what's right for baby, and you.

@Marchforward we're two miles, also the nights we stay over are probably slightly easier than the nights we don't generally.

I mean the nights where baby is bought home late are the worst

So stop bringing him home late.
Work out when you want bedtime to be and stick to it.

I think you need to set a routine up now. Once FIL has died, it will be even harder to do if your MIL is already using your DS as a means of comfort. That's fine, but it needs to be on your terms, with your DSs interests at heart.

If your MIL is only comforted or mainly comforted by the baby, the rountine (or lack of it) will carry on years after FIL has died.

As your DH was prepared to say 'life goes on' to you when your DF was dying, it's not unreasonable to you to put your foot down about having a bedtime routine, or family days for the 3 of you.

I would come home with your baby at a suitable time. DP can come later as needs be.

It is a difficult situation all round, but you can be caring and compassionate without sacrificing your baby’s needs, and being distressed doesn’t give your DP and ILs the right to guilt trip and manipulate you. You baby has needs and rights, and is not a toy or comfort blanket for ILs.

The behaviour around feeding your baby is a clear indication that they do not respect boundaries, whatever else is going on.

Thank you all. It is complicated. DP has in the past guilt tripped me ('I need to negotiate for every moment I spend with my dying dad.' or answering 'my dad's dying' every time I query time spent there, emphasise that DS needs routine, I need sleep.

I am still very angry about MIL literally taking him from my breast and giving him a bottle but I had just come out of the Mother and Baby Unit and had very little strength to stand up for myself/him and DP just said, let her, it gives her comfort. To be fair, I was combi feeding at this point and she was able to give him a top up after I breastfed.

DP was a bit taken aback by how upset, angry I seem today, but previously he's said the time we spend here and he spends here with baby is 'non negotiable' because his dad is dying.

We are still here, because after staying Saturday night we have to wit until they are back from church then 'spend a decent amount of time with them.'

DP has said things will change, but he'll have to consult with MIL.

I'm downstairs now, like the surplus daughter in law, while they are upstairs with baby. I feel awful for not sleeping and as though my perinatal OCD is massively coming back, but apparently when I say that I'm manipulative.

I'm dreading returning to work if he still hasn't got a routine as I'm winging it on snatched sleep and it's really tough.

Pardon, he has to consult with mother in law??

It sounds like your partner needs to stop being so incredibly selfish and assuming that his mother has any say in what happens with your baby.

Your mental health is too important to let it slide, just because your partner has suddenly changed tactics now that his father is dieing.

It's very telling how he invented these rules for his own dying father but didn't extend the same courtesy when it was you.

Sounds like you have a DP problem

He can be kind, compassionate, engaged - in a way this is how he's being with his parents. He feels trapped in the middle. MIL is very forceful and I can be a bit of a pushover, until I get angry.

He has agreed to bring DS back by seven thirty in the week, or we can have them to dinner, although it's a lot of travelling for DFIL.

I just lost a sibling to cancer and my DS is 16 with SEN - for context. No-one in my family would have expected me to just leave my DS without any kind of routine or stability, even during the very last days.

What this meant, in practice, was that I spent a lot of time with my sibling and DS spent a lot of time with his dad, which is as it should be. And this is for a 16 year old, not a tiny baby! You absolutely do need to take care of your own mental health and if establishing a stronger routine is part of that, then so be it. You DH should be supportive of this, but I realise his attention will be elsewhere right now.

Do you have someone who can advocate for you? Who's been helping you with your mental health? I feel like someone external sitting down and saying 'if we don't help fossil get into a good routine we are risking her mental health. This isn't about limiting time with MIL or FIL, it's about the baby and fossil thriving' might help?

My dad's dying can be trumped by mine is dead fuck me he is not being nice to you

On a less emotional response to it wouod be "my dad's dying" spend some time with him without having a whinging baby I will take him home you spend one on one time with the family I will bring him back when he is less stressful and any protests can be met with nonono im doing this for you its ok 👍

And fucking make plans to leave

You and your baby need a routine. For sleep and sanity. And yes you want it established to start nursery and return to work without being zombified from lack of sleep.

If MIL needs to cuddle something for comfort, she should consider buying a pet.

Your dh needs to consider you and his child. If he cannot, you should reconsider your relationship. Stop sleeping over at PIL, for heaven's sake. You are a grown woman with a baby and your own home. Sleep in your own bed. If dh wants to stay there, fine.

Detatch from MIL. Don't stay over. Aggressively defend your right for your 'life to go on'.

Any chance your mental health was affected so badly because your DH is an unsupportive twat?

You are not long out of the MBU. Even though his dad is dying he should always be aware that your health is very vulnerable. That's not being manipulative, it's just life.

It does sound like a difficult situation, OP, but at the moment your son is being used and his needs are not being so much as considered, let alone met. MIL taking him from your breast was disgusting and now she is refusing him good sleep, which is absolutely vital developmentally, not to mention her complete disregard for you and your health, both physical and mental.

Your DH needs to go to his mother with strict rules. Baby will be home by xyz time that suits you, no more baby sleeping over, and MIL will generally back off and be more respectful of you and your choices as baby's mother. DH can of course stay with his parents without you or baby.

Of course I wish the best for your fil and hope the time he has left is as comfortable a d fulfilling as possible.

Any chance your mental health was affected so badly because your DH is an unsupportive twat? This is my thinking too. Or at least he is unaware of of your mental health as a continuing issues and torture that is sleep deprivation.

It’s such a difficult situation. I think I would go along of a broken record approach of some thing like “I know you are in a difficult situation and want to spend as much time with PIL as possible but it’s my job to put our baby’s needs first which means I’m going to…..take baby home to bed.

You need to work out what you need and tell DH that your mental health is still fragile and you need x, y, z.

My own Mum has been at death’s door many times for over a decade and I have young children. I know the difficult position you are in but you are the heart of your nuclear family and you need to put your heath first to be able make the rest of the family function.

If DH doesn’t engage then he can stay up until 2 am with the baby when he doesn’t sleep.

Thank you. Honestly, I think the bad mental health came from a really traumatic birth and NICU stay, followed by going home and being straight back into Sick Kids with a baby who couldn't breathe, and it turning out Sick Kids and NICU didn't communicate as he'd had my surname in NICU (whole different story.) Also I have a history on anxiety/OCD

I actually had a thread when DS was in sick kids and everyone said how lovely and supportive my partner is, as he was trying to advocate for us both.

It's complicated as FIL is lovely, but DS is simply not sleeping there (very unsettled generally.) We've agreed to only go one weekend day going home at seven thirty to try to put DS down by eight. We tried early bedtime last night, and were screamed at, but got him down by ten which felt like such an improvement. He still woke up and cried a lot, but it was better.

I'm just so tired, and yes, I do have a lot of anger towards MIL about the way she has behaved since he was born. I have a complicated relationship with my own mum though, so kind of like that she and DP are close.

I think coming back by seven thirty on the weekend will make a huge difference. Also they're coming here this week for dinner, which is brilliant, and I know is a big deal for FIL to travel that distance as even sitting in a car is hard for him.