Different parenting style to DH

[Justbecause19]

Hi, does anyone have any suggestions on how to navigate this? DH is very authoritarian, shouty, low tolerance etc. I am firm but try and be understanding and supportive. We have young DC (12 months and 3) but keep arguing, I can't deal with him being mean to the kids so pull him up when I think he's being unfair. He then argues back and says I don't allow him to be a dad, that I make him feel like a shit dad and that just because I've read something it doesn't make my style right.

He’s shouting at a toddler and a baby, he is a shit dad. No advice because if you split up with him he’ll just shout when you’re not around. It must be heartbreaking. Does he shout at you? Does he shout at his colleagues and friends or just people smaller and more vulnerable than him?

Shouting at a baby and a toddler sounds abusive to me. Why is he shouting?

He has a low tolerance and is shouty by personality really. His family are too. The kids are pretty whingy kids, not sure why but they are definitely not chilled! DH just doesn't seem to be able to cope with it.

Id be whingy and not chilled too if my parent was shouty and moody, it’s learned behaviour OP. Can you attend marriage counselling to discuss your parenting differences?

He doesn’t have a parenting style he just sounds awful

Yes we are currently in marriage counselling, only a few sessions In but it's something I want to raise. But I guess I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable by challenging his parenting style. He makes me feel like my style is my opinion and he's allowed to have his own opinion too. I try and share things I see/read to help but In an argument it all gets thrown back at me.

My guess is it's learned behaviour. You'll probably find that his parents were like this with him. It doesn't make it right though - it's abusive and he's emotionally lacking.

Do either of you know any other similar aged babies and children? If yours are unusually unsettled it’s highly likely to be because your home isn’t chilled and you’re offering very inconsistent parenting between you. Shouting makes me unhappy and unsettled and I’m an adult. I left my ex husband for shouting and similar behaviour.

Verbally abusing babies doesn’t make for happy, well adjusted children, teens or adults.

It sounds like you’re partly blaming them for his unacceptable behaviour? Are you?

No I'm not blaming my children at all, they are just whiny by nature! They are happy and very well loved children. DH is in a job where he is away for chunks of time and the children are still whiny when he isn't here. I'm very patient and understanding and they spend much more time with me. Lots of friends with similar aged children who say their kids also whinge a lot too.

Leaving them alone to get better is, more often than not, a good thing- but obviously the parent needs to observe and respond appropriately. If he really left the child to deteriorate then that is abusive but depends on the context and you are both parents here so it's really down to you act if he doesn't/ won't.

The other events seem bonkers. What boundaries have you put in place?

With regards to divorce then that is the best for you all if that is what you want to do.

It’s probably best to gather some scientific study evidence on parenting as literally none of these will say that shouting is a progressive or sustainable way to discipline. It’s not you just telling him or having an opinion, it’s literally evidenced by child psychologists.

I mean everyone has their moments but it’s not a parenting ‘style’

Oh zombie thread!

Definitely raise it in counselling. Differences in parenting approach is a huge reason for marriage problems. If you can address it properly in counselling and help DH to make some changes (you can agree to make some compromises too), it could really make a difference to the happiness of your family life.