Help - my toddler bites and kicks me

[susannah808]

Need advice ... my 2 y/o kicks me while I'm changing her diaper (she's laying down). When I ask her to stop she kicks me out of defiance. I've lost my patience with her and smacked her leg 😞
Also when she gets really excited she can't contain herself and she has to bite me. I don't get it. I've bled before. I don't know what overtakes her.

That's really not good and painful for you. How is her speech and understanding @susannah808?

Have you noticed any triggers before she bites or hits like maybe when she's tired or hungry?

Thanks for responding @PritiPatelsMaker .. her speech and understanding is very good, ahead for her age. She's really playful and she doesn't realize she's going to hurt. At least that's not her original intention. It's like she has too much energy and doesn't know what to do with it so she has to release it somehow. So when I tell her it hurts she is then hurt by that and it's like she proceeds to do it to show me she's not bad. I don't know if that makes sense. She's not hungry or tired. I just don't know how to get through to her so that she'll think before she does it or better yet shift to some other behavior.

Also she's an only child so she doesn't have much other social conditioning. I worry that she my bite other kids out of excitement... but I also think that somehow it's related to me - I'm the one she wants to bite.

Strong wills are the makings of a toddler- some are more violent than others but it’s nothing you’ve done. All you can do is try and distract, it’s a phase- can you give them something to hold etc whilst you change their nappy?

All behaviour is communication. She isn’t being naughty - she has no impulse control. She isn’t going to “think” before doing it again because she’s two.

You are placing too many emotional expectations on her that aren’t there yet.

When she bites/kicks don’t make a big deal out it. No big reactions - that makes it interesting and fun and means she’ll do it again. Any attention on a behaviour is a reinforcement of that behaviour.

A simple “I know you’re angry/frustrated/sad/don’t want your nappy changed, but I won’t allow you to hurt me.” Move her away from you and move on. Don’t linger on it, because you’re making it into a thing.

She needs you to role model correct behaviour for her. So if she sees you losing it like you did when you hit her, she’s going to think that’s how you behave when stressed or angry or sad.

You need to be calm and collected so she knows you’re in charge and you have consistent boundaries. She isn’t going to feel emotionally secure while you’re telling her you aren’t regulated either.

Sympathies OP DS was like this. He was 19 this week, hasn't lashed out in anger since he was about 14, is not a violent man. He is a clever, determined young man currently on a skiing trip He arranged with his friends during a vacation from Oxford University. It is normal toddler behaviour she will grow out of it.

@FlowersAndBonnets thank you so much for this - it is exactly what I needed to know. I felt like throwing up after I slapped her leg and also because I didn't want her to think this was the way to go about it. I was at a loss. Thanks again for the clarity and way forward.

Oh bless @Dyslexicwonder. Happy birthday to your son and thank you for the compassionate encouragement.

We're the links of any use @susannah808?

Thank you @OnlyFoolsnMothers , yes I'll try that more 🙏Good reminder on strong wills 🙏

Hi @PritiPatelsMaker I didn't realize those were links. Got them now. I will check them out - thanks so much again.

Hi again @PritiPatelsMaker that link was really good, thank you again. I'm glad I instinctively did some right things like asking her to clap her hands instead of slap my face or to kiss me instead of bite. And now I've got even more to go on thanks to the information in the article. 🙏

I recommend checking out Laura Amies/Nanny Amies on Facebook/TikTok as she is a fab resource for dealing with this kind of thing (well, anything, really! She’s amazing!).

I’d also check out Big Little Feelings on Instagram.

We’re not born knowing how to deal with the most unreasonable human on the planet, but there are plenty of resources out there to help xx

Oh and yes, redirection is a fab tool.

When my little girl would pull my hair I never told her off, I would just say “what can we do with hair? We can brush hair or we can stroke hair” and guide her hand to stroke my hair instead. She only did it a couple of times and hasn’t since.

@FlowersAndBonnets thanks again for the "pro tips" and sharing your resources. I think the worst was not knowing what to do. There's so much information out there it's overwhelming and hard to sort through with only a few hours of free time in the day. It helps a lot getting directed to what works.