Come help me work out how to have a talk with my dd about secrets please

[Pesha]

DD is 7 and I have decided for various reasons we need to have A Talk about secrets. We have discussed things briefly before but I want to make it clear for her now I think.

I thought about talking about good secrets and bad secrets but now I think calling them 'bad secrets' is probably not helpful so I'm thinking Secrets We Can Keep and Secrets We Cant??

Secrets we can keep being things such as which boy at school she fancies or other gossipy girly things or if Daddy tells her what hes got me for my birthday or that sort of thing. Fun secrets!

Secrets we cant keep being anything that makes us feel sad or scared. Anything that someone tells her she mustn't tell mummy or there will be consequences eg mummy getting cross, not being able to do things etc. Anything thats naughty and I'll explain I wont be cross if she tells me the truth (we have had that conversation lots wrt lies!). Anything if someone tells her bad things will happen, mummy's job is to protect her and nothing bad will ever happen from telling me. All said with lots of reassurance and love.

Anything else I should or shouldn't mention or better ways of saying anything?

TBH I'm mostly concerned atm since she started seeing her dad again and although I have no concerns for her safety with him I dont trust him, he has already told her not to tell mummy things and well, I just want to make her feel that she can actually tell me anything and in some situations she should tell me so that I can help her. She will also be starting junior school in september so I want to have this talk now in case they are ever any problems with bullying or similar.

I do let her know that she can talk to me and tell me things but I really want to spell it out for her so she knows what she should tell me and what she can keep to herself IYSWIM.

my dd knows she DOES NOT keep any secrets from Mummy (or daddy)..if we want to keep something from someone ie: a present we;ve just bought not to be given straight away or some good news etc..its always a SURPRISE..we dont have good or bad secrets just NO secrets and surprises, i was most annoyed when dd's dance teacher told her something about one of the shows and told 20 little girls it was thier secret and MUST NOT! tell mummy or daddy!

Rosegarden - that's a very good way to go. I'll remember that.

its worked fo us..i HATE the word secret..it always conjurs up 'bad' things to me(im apranoid having had to keep lots of 'secrets' when i was little!)..so go mad if anyone tells dd it 'a secret'!

I remind my children, that you can tell mum and dad anything, ANYTHING and if you feel you can't then that is when you definately should and it will make you feel happier.

Does that seem over the top?

I feel like you ROSEgarden.

Yes but what about secrets that aren't surprises? Like, as Pesha says, your favourite boy at school? That's not a surprise, and beyond a certain age, children shouldn't have to tell their parents everything.

Pesha - I think your approach sounds great. (will be borrowing it for DD2, who tends to keep worries to herself, which doesn't help). Can you talk to your DD's Dad, or write him a letter, about what you are talking about with her? Without referring to anything he might have said, just as a general note about her wellbeing?

I think Pesha has good ideas here. There are secrets that you keep not because they are jolly surprises, but because they are private. Children grow up. Sometimes they do need to be able to keep some of their private lives to themselves. And they don't need to feel they have to reveal something a friend has told them in confidence, unless in an emergency to protect the friend.

I understand that the term secret has bad connonations for you, Rosegarden, but sometimes in life you do need to keep a secret, even if it's not a jolly suprise. My dd is now 11, and I think we've had enough confidential open conversations for her to be aware what kind of a secret it is that children are warned against keeping. She can tell the difference between not keeping silent about somebody interfering with her and not blabbing something her friend has told her in confidence about her home life.

Castille and Cory thats how I feel, I'd love for her to tell me everything but I know actually she likes to keep some things that are just for her to know or her and her friends and I think its an important part of growing up that she has that. Its finding a way to explain clearly to her what those are and what she really needs to tell me.

Although rosegarden I would be very upset by an adult like your dd's dance teacher telling her there was something she must not tell mummy and daddy.

'if you feel you can't then that is when you definately should and it will make you feel happier.'

Rey - I will use that I think, thanks. Especially that it will make her feel happier to tell me.

Castille - I will try and talk to exp about this but he is incredibly difficult. He still seems very bitter and angry and seems to take everything I say as criticism of him so I imagine he will take this as being about him even if it wasn't. Although i do have some other things I need to talk to him about so if it were part of a larger letter he might not be so sensitive about it

i was going to post exactly the same as rosegardens first post. no secrets are ever kept from mummy. i suppose when they are older we will have to reword things i.e when they start sharing things with friends but for just now this is what works for us.

I have always said that if you don't want to keep a secret you don't have to - and even if you've promised, telling Mummy isn't breaking a promise because Mummys are different.

I don't agree with no secrets, by the way. I think children should be able to have little secrets amongst themselves. That's why I say they don't have to keep them if they don't want to and telling Mummy is different from telling anyone else.

i try and explain that a secret should be kept unless it hurts someone.
so if someone tells you a secret but it hurts you or someone you know then you need to tell mummy or daddy.

be prepared to answer lots of "if x tells me she has a new pony can i tell you" and such like.

i think the easiest way for a child to learn they can tell you anything is for you to be calm and completley open with them. if they ask you a questyion, however difficult, answer it honestly.

they will grow up in the knowledge that mummy won't over react, she wont be shocked and she wont get upset.

a little while after the conversation i like to share a secret with the child.
(im used to dealing with children who have a desperate need to build trust)

so i will be busey doing an activity and then when i get a quiet moment with them i will say something gossipy like "oooh i found out that xx fancies yy"

i would always pick an adult team member, and it would always be harmelss and gossipy.

you could maybe reveal a "secret" about daddy or granma