I feel sad about my relationship with 5.8 yr old DS1

[scorpio1]

A bit of background: ds1 is 5.8 and has been at school FT for just over a year now. He has a step-brother (6) and a half brother, 3. I am 32 weeks pg.

I am finding it so hard to get along with him; for a long time now. His latest thing is to laugh at me when im trying to tell him something, he says his (biological) Dad laughs when he talks to him so he is doing the same. I have tried saying its a little rude but that cuases more laughing .

He has the biggest tantrums ever, kicks things, the wall, even me sometimes. He is very physical with his brother, 3. he screams and screams at the top of his voice and i put him in a different room to try and diffuse the situation.

I don't smack him, i use my stern voice, not shouting to try and attract his attention. i dont believe in using scare tactics to get him to behave.

I try doing things with just him as well to try to strengthen the bond but idont feel i get anywhere. I feel like all i do is tell him off and say no all the time, we rarely cuddle and he never asks me for love. My 3 year old does all the time, he is a very different mannered child.

DS1 is currently undergoing assessment for Dyspraxia, i dont know if this may contribute to the behaviour i am finding so hard? He does ok at school and always behaves there. He does play up alot at his dads house though, he goes on saturdays, i think they have little rules there iyswim? i dont know if this also influences his behaviour here.

I know this may seem really petty but its so hard to portray properly through typing how i really feel - this makes me so upset. i love the little git so much and just want to get closer to him. He has always been a difficult child, right from babyhood. i had him young too, but i dont think that makes much difference if im honest.

Thanks for listening any help or ideas?

It sounds like his dad is being unpleasant to him - laughing when he talks? Is his dad fond of him? Or does he treat him like a nuisance plaything?

I reckon it's his relationship with his dad that's at the heart of his behaviour with you.

Poor lad - and poor you - it's hard to get close to a prickly child. Worth it when you do though. Can you play games with him where you tickle and roll about on the floor with him?

sorry to hear this. no real insights just to say it sounds as if you are a lovely mum. maybe this is just a phase and you need to hold steady. i know only a little about dyspraxia but think it relates to people having problems listening nad processing info. i had a boss with it once (was told by colleague in hr who should not have told me) but it made sense that this boss could not listen to what i was saying. as soon as I spoke she interrupted. Good luck

we do playfight alot (bump permitting ) and he enjoys it for the majority of the time. We also went out for lunch this week together and do reading alot. My husband also is the best you could ask for with him and puts alot of effort into helping him and me, both together and seperately.

His dad has been uninterested since his birth; only to get a new gf recently who is by nature very maternal and BANG, there is some interest now. He doesn't really know what ds1 likes, or how to do anything with a child. He is mostly supervised by his parents whilst seeing him because he has no clue, im not being mean saying that, its true.

Can you talk to his dad about it? Or anyone around his dad, since he's supervised? It's not appropriate to laugh at a child when they talk like this

i have tried talking to his Dad several times about all aspects of DS1's behaviour; he has told me that he does not understand why children have tantrums or dont do as they are told first time. I have lent him some books and told him things; there is no interest. His parents don't believe in disciplining and mostly let him have his own way constantly. That makes it very hard for me, especially when i am alone with all of the children and DS1 behaves this way.

I'm not entirely sure when his dad does laugh at him - whether its everyday chatter or when DS1 is upset/mad; but yes i agree laughing when a child is chattering away is not appropriate and should ony happen when DS1 is being humourous iyswim? I think DS1 has adopted the laughing because he thinks its funny or ok to do? i dont think its because he wants to be like him; hard to guess i think.

I find it very hard when DS1 laughs at me - i find it disrespectful and also i know that he is not listening to me. i try not to nag at him, but sometimes its very hard when it feels like his behaviour is constant.

I think you need to cuddle him a lot, even if you don't feel like doing it. Tell him you love him, make him feel wanted.

Might it be worth telling him that there are different rules at your house than at his dad's house? Not to put down his dad, but to set clear boundaries at your house.

My friend has taken him out today (my ds2 is ill at home; thought he would like to go to local theme park). She has just text to say he has wet himself.

I really don't know what to do with him, i really don't. He has never really grasped toilet training either. I have been to the Doc's and there is no medical reason why. He does it at school too.

I do cuddle him alot, and kiss and squeeze him before bed and i tell him i love him everyday.

Scorpio. You sound like you're doing all the right things. Boys are a bit agressive at this age anyway I think.

I find it helps to spend 1:1 time with my DS when possible (you are already doing this) and try to engage him in activities that stretch him a bit (Taking him out on his bike, swimming, DH lets him help in the garden / garage etc).

I also try hard not to treat him like his younger sister (even when he behaves like her) so trying to give him options (are you having a bath tonight or just a wash?)and ease up a bit on the discipline.

Fingers crossed, it will pass.

Oh scorpio how tiring. You sound like you are doing all the right things.

His laughing could just be a confused and defensive response - he maybe confused about what are the right responses. If he is dyspraxic, then the tantrums could just be an expression of his frustrations. His situation isn't easy is it?

Don't worry too much about the wetting himself. He will grow out of it. Ignore it and make light of it. Sometimes they forget, and sometimes (again if dyspraxic) it is difficult to remember the order of things they have to do in order to pee! DS2 wet himself at that age at school and older- often because he was too late or got confused by the order of things required. I wrote him a list and put it by the loo and that helped - literally: 1. Pull down trousers AND pants. 2. Pee. 3. Pull up pants. Pull up trousers. 4. Flush toilet. 5. Turn on taps. Wash hands. 6. Turn off taps.

We don't have the list anymore. But it helped at the time.

i think he is confused or befuddled if you know what i mean? If i ask him why he did something he says i don't know; i know he isn't lying.

He seems to go through phases of being dry and then wet. He has wet himself about 4 times within the last 7 days that i can remember. he is dry at night though.

it just feels like 1 thing after another and sometimes i feel like i don't like him very much and that makes me so sad.

Also - and not just for the dyspraxic thing, because he may not be - he might benefit from a 'safe corner' or a 'quiet corner'. Music can be soothing, and cardboard boxes to kick.

FWIW ds2 would have really struggled at that age about going to lots of different environments - school, his home with you, to his Dads. Especially if he didn't really understand what the rules were at his Dad's house.

My tip would be to try and make things as regular as you can for him. Put up a list or routine of what he is doing in the week, talk it through with him. Say 'now do you think you'll find it too much to do this on Thursday too?' sort of thing. Help him to organise what is going on and then you can talk about his behaviour when new things happen.

I hope I'm not being completely wrong here. I just know that ds2 - especially at that age - really struggled and tantrummed massively, and it was much better when I drew some order and shape to his life.

Oh we X posted.

I'm sorry you are sad. It is hard work, and tricky, prickly children are doubly hard work.

If you come from the position that he is confused, rather than naughty, then it might help you both to bring some sanity?

He does always ask every day what is it today; what time, show me on the clock etc, and i always do tell him.

He can be so happy though, and then just switch so fast if there is something wrong.

If he isn't dyspraxic then i will be worried - it just looks so obvious to me.

I just don't know how to make our lives together better - i hate going on at him and seeing him cry becuase all i wana do is cuddle him and love him! But surely he needs telling? Am at a loss.

scorpio you are a lovely mummy to him. Sorry you are feeling down about this - remember hormones ain't helping. It's hard when he is hampered by slightly useless biological Dad but I'm sure he will pull through. My Mum always says when I'm finding DSD hard - even if you don't feel like you like her very much ACT like she is the best thing in the world and that will help. It does sometimes.

Not sure he does need telling. I know it's hard, and it is upsetting, and I think you are doing a marvellous job.

Keep hugging.

And maybe do a weekly rota thing - the asking the time and things like that can just be anxiety, because he is struggling to make sense of the world in a way that can be quite hard to understand.

Spell it all out. In painful detail! Try not to launch any surprises like sudden trips to the supermarket. It'll be hard work to begin with, but once he feels safer it won't seem so necessary.

Also I found it helped, because then it seemed I was on side if that makes sense? And was nagging and telling-off less, because his behaviour improved.

Is only a suggestion. I bet you are doing a great job under difficult circumstances. Keep going!

thanks, i will write out his weekly things later. We only go to the supermarket on Saturdays and he isn't here so thats ok, our week is pretty routine-y.

Thankyou very much; i don't feel i am doing well at all. I pretty much do this alone; DH works FT and thats all the help i get, bar school of course.