Why does my 9 year old hate her dad?

[Pineapplestropical]

We've got 4 daughters, 12, 9, 8 and 3. My 9 year old hates her dad. She doesn't really like speaking to him and rolls her eyes when he speaks to her. When he asks to read a book with her or play a game 9 times out of 10 she says no. She is generally quite rude, will tell family members to shut up and call us idiots including her dad. This has been happening for nearly 1 year getting worse. Consequences have included taking away pocket money and screen time. This works a little but no long term change. She's also started signs of puberty. My question is has anyone experienced anything similar. Her dad is very soft and loving and has a lovely relationship with other 3. Why does she not like him? I just can't get my head around it. She is also rude to me will tell me to shut up etc but will still want me to put her to bed etc and say she loves me. Coincidentally when her dad went away for a week she was the most affected kid and cried every day even though she treats him horribly. I wonder if she needs therapy?

Gosh that’s very tough. I have a 9 year old and during term time he is more ‘attitude’ than gratitude but it’s beautifully behaved in the holidays. I can’t figure it out.

but I would really toughen up on her rude language - I don’t know what you could do to make her nicer to dh but I suppose the concrete behaviours eg eye rolling and saying shut up - send her to her room and don’t engage

Consequences and punishment won't help. More connection is needed, not less. What does she say about why she acts that way? Is it possibly a way of distinguishing herself from her siblings? Do you ever say something like, "those words are quite hurtful, you must be feeling something really big inside to say that. We both love you very much. When you're ready to talk to us about it, we'll be here". If you really can't get to the bottom of it then maybe family therapy would be useful. I don't think singling her out wouldn't appropriate.

Ps you can set a boundary by saying that in our family we treat each other with respect and we don't roll our eyes at each other. All feelings are ok and we are here to understand what your feelings are and why, but not all behaviours are ok.