Toddler Help 🙈

[Shinners21]

Hi all...I'm new here & looking for some advice/reassurance/tips please! I have 2 girls. 9 weeks old a 20 month old toddler.

My toddler is amazing & hilarious & I'm obsessed with her but god she's hard work. She's in daycare & they've told me she's advanced for her age. She's very clever but is also very strong willed. Everything is a power struggle with her from the moment she wakes up to when she goes to bed & it's exhausting 😵‍💫

Reason I'm posting is that I've realised I can't handle my own 2 children by myself so I feel like a failure. I had planned on reducing her daycare hours once baby was out of newborn stage but I don't know if I'll be able for the 2 of them by myself. I've done a few days like this by myself and my toddler goes crazy with boredom being stuck at home with me and baby. I don't have the confidence yet to bring them both out and about by myself because I'm afraid toddler might run off & I obviously can't leave baby to go chase toddler

But then I feel guilty sending her off to daycare when I'm at home with baby. Shouldn't she be at home with us?

Yeah so basically feeling all types of guilt and failure. I'm their mother so shouldn't I be able to mind my own children 😔

Anyone in a similar situation have any words of wisdom please 🙏

I completely feel you. I have a very advanced just 3 year old who’s keen to explore everything and can have full on conversations so I feel a failure when I’m too tired to do a lot or say a lot (DD is 9 weeks).

DS is also going through some testing times where, he isn’t being naughty or anything, but definitely pushing boundaries! At this age they’re learning they can impact things, yet can’t control much so will fight for what they can control. They’ll also do anything for your attention right now. We reward the good and ignore the bad, unless of course it is at the level where it needs a conversation or intervention.
We also try and offer simple choices to DS throughout the day so he feels he has some control over something.

I’m also too worried to take them both out alone at the moment for the same reasons. I’ve never been a TV parent so learning that some TV to get you through the day is okay. If you can, get some low mess craft type activities / sticker books etc, so she can be occupied whilst you’re sat with her and your baby.

Do you have anyone around you who could come out for a trial with you? Let you take the lead with them both to the park or something but will be there to lend a hand if say, your oldest runs away; just to build your confidence?

Please don’t feel guilty about utilising childcare. You need a rest and having 2 young children is so demanding! They will care for your DD, she’ll have activities to do and it gives you a much needed break so all you have to do is focus on your baby. Be kinder to yourself, you’re doing an amazing job I promise you.

Thank you for the reply & very kind words halloumi1 :)

Yes I did a trial run to the park and brought my mother with me. Baby started crying so my mother soothed her while I played with toddler. I don't know what I would have done in that situation if I was by myself 🤷‍♀️

I stocked up on sticker books before baby was born but somehow my toddler always gets frustrated no matter what the activity is 🤣 for example she'll get annoyed that the stickers aren't sticking the way she wants them to & it leads to a meltdown! I find it very hard to keep her occupied doing anything for very long

She's still so young, not even 2 yet and I think she tries to do more than she should be able to do at her age...if that makes sense...and then gets frustrated when she can't manage it

I guess I should just be grateful she's advanced for her age & maybe as baby gets older I'll be able to manage better 🤞

I have the exact same age gap and I know how daunting it can be! My best advice is to just get out and do it, once you go a few times you learn how best to manage them both. Get a partner or friend to join you for the first few trips to lend a hand. I love the double buggy as both are strapped in until we get to the park then the toddler can run around while baby sleeps. Our days are usually get everyone up, dressed and fed, head out for a walk to the park or toddler group, have a snack, then home for lunch and naps, the afternoon we will play at home or in the garden, sometimes we will visit grandparents or a friend. My eldest goes to nursery 2 days a week, I need those 2 days to get chores done, food shopping and some 1-1 time with baby, we do a sensory class and it's lovely to get that time together. I used to feel guilty sending the toddler to nursery but he loves it and it gives everyone a little break from each other. My youngest is 7 months now, it gets easier!

I had my second when my first was 20 months you can bet your arse I left the older one in nursery! She had a much more fulfilling, stimulating day than she would at home with me and the baby and came home happily worn out to be cuddled and fussed over by both her parents. Meanwhile, baby got the attention she needed from me in the day.

Baby is now nearly 8 months and I've not looked after both at once on my own for more than a few hours. Their needs are too different and it's not fair on either of them. Fine in a pinch but not good day in day out.

Leave your eldest in nursery and feel no guilt; she's undoubtedly having more fun that way!

Also to add, my toddler sounds easier than yours. She's happy to stick at one activity for a while with moderate input, and the baby's easygoing too. If either was more difficult I'd be even less keen to be alone with both!

I'd recommend a double pushchair and a baby carrier. I had a slightly larger gap than you, my eldest turned 2 3 days after I had my youngest.

But I found a double pushchair and a carrier saved a lot of drama and gave us freedom when I had them both at home (mainly due to illness or childminder holidays). The double pushchair kept them both safely contained when we were out and about, but the carrier was great so that my youngest could stay with us as required if he didn't want to stay in the pram etc.

In all honesty I kept my eldest in full time childcare throughout maternity leave with my youngest. My theory was that my eldest had me to himself, so I was only giving my youngest the same experience. It gave me the perfect level of flexibility where I could bring my eldest out of childcare occasionally for nice planned days out, but primarily focused on my youngest during the day.