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Original poster

Withholding maintenance

19 replies

Emm220884 · 03/04/2023 10:28

My delightful ex husband has been withholding maintenance.
My 13 and 16.5 year old children do not want to know him and he's kicking off, so not paying maintenance is his way of controlling me and them.
I went to a solicitor in Feb and he then paid (after receiving a letter from them) what he owed and paid on time in March..... he's now stopped again.
I'm exhausted with this, and literally cannot take anymore.

Our maintenance is by court order. I know I'd have to apply for a contempt of court order/attachment to earnings. But I just cannot cope with the stress of it all

Please help

OP posts:
Dancemonkee · 03/04/2023 10:30

It's really hard, but you already know what you need to do. Good luck 💕

0Megank · 05/04/2023 09:17

Alternative opinion here, why is ok for you to take his money when he isn't getting to see his kids and therefore be a part of their lives?

As your children are under 18 they shouldn't have a choice whether to see him or not. If you want the money then they must see him.

Bizzieizz · 05/04/2023 09:19

0Megank · 05/04/2023 09:17

Alternative opinion here, why is ok for you to take his money when he isn't getting to see his kids and therefore be a part of their lives?

As your children are under 18 they shouldn't have a choice whether to see him or not. If you want the money then they must see him.

Do the children not need feeding or clothing then?

As is quoted so many times against women “Children are not pay per view”

You don’t stop looking after your children because you don’t get what you want.

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Original poster
Emm220884 · 05/04/2023 09:25

0Megank · 05/04/2023 09:17

Alternative opinion here, why is ok for you to take his money when he isn't getting to see his kids and therefore be a part of their lives?

As your children are under 18 they shouldn't have a choice whether to see him or not. If you want the money then they must see him.

When your children have been locked in bedrooms, forced to wet themselves, I think you would argue that it's not the right thing for their mental health to be made to see him.

Over the age of 10 a child has a voice and they are allowed to express their views. Fortunately courts are not as archaic in their thinking as they used to be.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 05/04/2023 09:26

What has the money to do with seeing him? They're not related?

Original poster
Emm220884 · 05/04/2023 09:28

IhearyouClemFandango · 05/04/2023 09:26

What has the money to do with seeing him? They're not related?

Because they won't see him, he is withholding maintenance

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2023 09:28

How old is your consent order? After a year either of you can go through the CMS for maintenance instead unless he’s a very high earner. Is that something you can look into?

gonnabeok · 05/04/2023 09:29

You need to keep up the fight OP. There are many reasons why older children choose not to see their father. No child should be forced if they make that decision of their own accord. Sadly many narcissistic men use withokdibg of maintenance as a punishment both for their kids and for their ex partner. Take whatever legal action you need to. He doesn't get to stop paying towards his children on a whim just like many mothers don't

0Megank · 05/04/2023 09:53

You're always going to get a load of replies saying he's doing the wrong thing on here and I don't disagree he should pay. But like I said offering an alternative opinion as these situation are of course more complicated than just he won't pay and the kids don't want to see him.
But I guess the father doesn't just disappear just because you or your kids want him too. Imagine if the situation was the other way round and you would feel? Getting told your children don't want to see you, oh and where's my money.

clpsmum · 05/04/2023 09:54

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MsSquiz · 05/04/2023 10:00

0Megank · 05/04/2023 09:53

You're always going to get a load of replies saying he's doing the wrong thing on here and I don't disagree he should pay. But like I said offering an alternative opinion as these situation are of course more complicated than just he won't pay and the kids don't want to see him.
But I guess the father doesn't just disappear just because you or your kids want him too. Imagine if the situation was the other way round and you would feel? Getting told your children don't want to see you, oh and where's my money.

@0Megank
If your teenager who lives at home with you decides they don't want to speak to you, do you stop feeding and clothing them?
No, because you're a parent! You still have to do the right thing by you children financially, regardless of your relationship with them.

Do you think not paying maintenance will do anything to help his relationship with his children?

Do you think children should be forced to spend time with a parent on a pay per view basis? Or maybe an hourly rate would be better?!

titchy · 05/04/2023 10:01

0Megank · 05/04/2023 09:53

You're always going to get a load of replies saying he's doing the wrong thing on here and I don't disagree he should pay. But like I said offering an alternative opinion as these situation are of course more complicated than just he won't pay and the kids don't want to see him.
But I guess the father doesn't just disappear just because you or your kids want him too. Imagine if the situation was the other way round and you would feel? Getting told your children don't want to see you, oh and where's my money.

It isn't more complicated that that though is it. He has been ordered by court to pay £x a month and isn't.

His relationship with the children is a separate issue entirely.

thegrain · 05/04/2023 10:03

Could you find out if you're allowed to do CMS collect? It's a bit rubbish as you get less doing it that way but at least you'd get it.

FartSock5000 · 05/04/2023 10:06

0Megank · 05/04/2023 09:17

Alternative opinion here, why is ok for you to take his money when he isn't getting to see his kids and therefore be a part of their lives?

As your children are under 18 they shouldn't have a choice whether to see him or not. If you want the money then they must see him.

Seriously?!

Give your head a wobble.

He was able to go out and earn and further his career because his wife stayed home and managed the household and did all the childcare. That means his pension pot got bigger while hers didn't. He was likely able to put money away too.

He was able to financially better himself to her detriment so she is legally, morally and financially entitled to have child support now that they are no longer together. Because now she will have to work AND do everything she was doing before. There was a quality of life for the kids that they are entitled to keep.

It's not a pay for play deal. He owes his children support. It's the least he can do because Mum is otherwise doing it all which isn't fair. Or does he just get to go off and live consequence free because he has a penis and life is just so hard for all the men?

🙄

Napmum · 05/04/2023 10:10

0Megank · 05/04/2023 09:17

Alternative opinion here, why is ok for you to take his money when he isn't getting to see his kids and therefore be a part of their lives?

As your children are under 18 they shouldn't have a choice whether to see him or not. If you want the money then they must see him.

No children do have a choice, not to see a parent. This is normally the case after the child is about 10 years old.

Just because a child thinks a parent is not worth seeing doesn't mean they can get out of their parenting responsibilities.

With regards to payment. You'll need to pursue this legally OP

MissTrip82 · 05/04/2023 10:15

0Megank · 05/04/2023 09:17

Alternative opinion here, why is ok for you to take his money when he isn't getting to see his kids and therefore be a part of their lives?

As your children are under 18 they shouldn't have a choice whether to see him or not. If you want the money then they must see him.

Would it not be because you’re responsible for ensuring your children don’t starve? Whether they want to see you or not?

I have to keep my son alive whether he likes me or not.

Marblessolveeverything · 05/04/2023 10:20

I am not familiar with UK system but in other jurisdictions there is usually a way for courts to take the money from his salary at source - is this an option?

vodkaredbullgirl · 05/04/2023 11:38

0Megank · 05/04/2023 09:17

Alternative opinion here, why is ok for you to take his money when he isn't getting to see his kids and therefore be a part of their lives?

As your children are under 18 they shouldn't have a choice whether to see him or not. If you want the money then they must see him.

Maintenance and contact are 2 different thing's.

0Megank · 06/04/2023 12:35

FartSock5000 · 05/04/2023 10:06

Seriously?!

Give your head a wobble.

He was able to go out and earn and further his career because his wife stayed home and managed the household and did all the childcare. That means his pension pot got bigger while hers didn't. He was likely able to put money away too.

He was able to financially better himself to her detriment so she is legally, morally and financially entitled to have child support now that they are no longer together. Because now she will have to work AND do everything she was doing before. There was a quality of life for the kids that they are entitled to keep.

It's not a pay for play deal. He owes his children support. It's the least he can do because Mum is otherwise doing it all which isn't fair. Or does he just get to go off and live consequence free because he has a penis and life is just so hard for all the men?

🙄

Show quote history

But do you not see that only having the conversation surrounding the dad's financial contribution is exactly the same issue. With the expectation that women are the care givers and men just contribute financially? Dad's should also contribute to the kids lives, but if they don't see them how can they do that? I'm not saying he shouldnt pay the maintenance, he should. I was only saying that perhaps access should be considered in the same importance.

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