4 year old storming off to his room

[Merrow]

I didn't expect to be here for a few years! There's been a lot of upheaval in DS1's life lately - DS2 was born very early so there's been 3 months where either me or DP has been at NICU, and now DS2 is home and being a newborn. On the whole I'm amazed at how well DS1 has done with it all, but certainly everything is escalating to a disaster for him in a way that's not usual for him. This is all expected and fine, and I'm happy handling his meltdowns when they're happening right in front of me.

However, he's started announcing that he's going to his room, slamming the living room door shut and then going upstairs where he takes everything out from under his bed and hides under it. We have a monitor, so I know that after a bit of time he starts playing with his toys, then if he hears us on the stairs gets back under the bed ready to scowl at us. I'm not entirely sure how to handle it! He is prone to a strop, even prior to DS2, but they were always very short and in the same room. I think taking yourself away from whatever is making you upset is a fair enough cooling down mechanism for a 4 year old, but I also don't want him to think he's being abandoned alone in his room and that no one cares because DS2 is here. At the moment we're giving him 5-10 minutes then going upstairs to see him and having a chat about whatever it was that set him off. We're not addressing the fact that in an ideal world he wouldn't be storming off and slamming doors over things like sliced chicken being put on the table for lunch when he doesn't like it, when there was plenty of other food he did like coming. However I'm not sure if this counts as rewarding attention seeking behaviour and so he'll continue to do it, and that we should actually leave him. DP is currently on shared parental leave so we're making sure he gets plenty of 1 on 1 time with us, although obviously it cannot be denied there is another child in the house receiving some attention!

I think you are handling it brilliantly. And he's a very mature kid to know how to deal with his very strong emotions by removing himself from the situation. I'd - for no - do exactly what you are doing and see if the behaviour drops off after a few months.

Also try to make sure he gets some one on one time with you and with his dad, without the new baby around.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing to me! You're not feeding them, if you see what I mean. Just give it a bit more time.

sounds like he is handling his emotions well, and so are you

maybe give it another week, or so, then broach the subject with him, ask him how he feels when he does this, and tell him how you feel, and talk about is this the best way to react when you are upset? Maybe it is, but a conversation wont hurt

Thanks everyone! It has become slightly less frequent over the last few days, so I'm less concerned that we're inadvertently creating the situation where he feels he needs to do it to get some attention.

It's very easy to fall into repressing any expression of anger in a child

He sounds mature to understand that he wants to not be overwhelmed by his emotions.
However, he is still a very little boy and will need help to process his feelings and not get trapped in a pattern of "I can't handle this, I need to go hide" because once he's hidden and feels settled, the situation that caused the feelings is still there.
You could encourage him to paint his feelings - once he's calmed himself (which is very mature), suggest he might want to draw what he felt? It's an age appropriate version is having a diary! My DS (12) often writes down his feelings in his wee private book, because once they are written down, they are out of the body.
And you could ask him - what would he like to happen to help him when he starts to feel this way? Not to make the feelings go away, his feelings are valid.

Connection-seeking, not attention-seeking.

Perhaps teach him some other ways to deal with frustration and disappointment too? There's lots of picture books out there that support emotional regulation.

I'm inexperienced in this area, but he actually sounds very clever and mature. He's effectively removing himself from the situation and going in a neutral place to calm down. You're obviously doing something right 🙂

Personally I never tolerated door slamming, they only did it once. It was the bedroom door though and the minute that it happened I was upstairs and told them that if they slammed the door again they wouldn’t have a door as I would remove it. I’m also going against the grain here with the storming off and sulking, not in my house I’m afraid. If they ever stormed off I would get them to come back and we would deal with whatever the issue was. I’m not saying that I’m right or you’re wrong, you know your child. I’m just giving an alternative opinion.