What is normal behaviour for a 3yo?

[bakingmummy21]

We have 3 kids, DS1 is the middle child and turned 3 in Dec (for context DD is 5 and DS2 is almost 1).

DS1’s behaviour on and off for the past 9 months has been pretty terrible IMO. Far worse than DD at this age. Admittedly there has been a lot of change, we had DS2 arrive and then moved house and a few months later he changed nurseries. Towards the beginning of the year we felt his behaviour might be improving but now it feels like it’s going backwards again.

He doesn’t listen, ignores requests to do things, ignores requests to not do things, is constantly wanting to snack and helping himself to food. Essentially I would describe it as being quite naughty. He gets very angry and throws / hits / slams doors. He has temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. He often seems constantly fidgety, whirling around, jumping on furniture etc.

However conversely apparently at nursery he is quite well behaved. Whenever we see HV he has been good as gold and he is capable of sitting and concentrating on an activity like doing a jigsaw.

But sometimes I do question whether his behaviour is normal so I suppose I’m just looking for thoughts from others. Will he grow out of it?! Some days both DH and I are at our wits end with him and there ends up being a lot of shouting in the house 😢

"He doesn’t listen, ignores requests to do things, ignores requests to not do things, is constantly wanting to snack and helping himself to food. Essentially I would describe it as being quite naughty. He gets very angry and throws / hits / slams doors. He has temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. He often seems constantly fidgety, whirling around, jumping on furniture etc."

The piece of information missing for me, which is more important than the behaviour itself, is how you are dealing with it each time.

Is he getting one-on-one time with you or your husband each day? For example taking him to the park without the others? Reading to him alone? It seems like you may be unintentionally teaching him that only negative behavior gets your attention at home. Whenever one of our kids was acting out of character and more naughty this is the first thing I would look at.

My three are one year older than yours and the middle one (ds) is similarly naughty.

I have to say though, when I see him with his little friends he is nowhere near the worst

I think we had high expectations based on dc1 but she has always been one of those irreproachable kids, just by nature

It's probably normal

Yes when possible he does get 1:1 time such as stories at bedtime, I take him swimming, at weekends we will often split up and one of us has him on his own for a few hours. But we’ll try and give him a bit a bit more focus and see if that improves things.

Sounds totally normal, especially after all the disruption. You just need to be consistent, take time with him and remember to show plenty of love. A three year old shouldn’t be able to help themselves to food though, move snacks out of reach.

Doesn't sound that abnormal, or at least no different to my two DSs.

Everyone I know who had a daughter first followed by a son has been surprised at the difference in behaviours (so this is only anecdotal of course). Obviously temperament plays a big part and there's plenty of high energy, low co-operation girls. But on average I think boys are more likely to display those traits to a greater degree eg resisting requests longer, jumping around more etc.

I don't think comparing him to your daughter is helpful to you as she will have a different temperament and didn't experience the same level of change. He is also the middle child so he both doesn't fill the 'older, more sensible child' niche but also not the baby niche. I think it's a hard place to be. I wonder how he feels when he sees big sister being better behaved and his baby brother being, well, a baby with all the attention and cooing that brings from others.

I agree with PP that trying to ensure he has regular one to one time is likely to help. Laura Markham (aha parenting website) is very big on this. It helps kids want to cooperate with you.