Im a shit mum and can't seem to get it right

[Pjsandpringles]

Recently I have been having some challenges with my DD. She's 12 and doesn't listen (not unusual I know). I don't even know how to explain her behaviour. She argues constantly and will never admit she's wrong. She feels like she needs to explain that she's right and will not drop it.

I know it doesn't sound much, and it's not everything, but I am struggling with her behaviour just now. My partner thinks I under discipline (I know I do) because of my childhood and I need to find a midpoint. I don't know what that is. I have no experience with it. I just know that I wanted to do the opposite of what I had and it turns out that is just as bad.

I've tried so many things but nothing seems to work.

Can you give an example of what she's arguing about?

Yesterday I told her to stop messing with the litter picker because it was winding the dog up. She eventually stopped after about 10 mins of doing it while saying she wasn't. Then last night she was doing it again and I said id already asked her to stop it earlier and she argued that I hadn't.

I asked her to play her drum (the pad thing) upstairs while we (my partner and me) were playing a game and the other DC was watching something on tv. After arguing about how it was so unfair and she was in a communal space for 20 mins she finally took it upstairs. Then a couple hours later took it back down and started all over again. I took it off her and she argued for over an hour about it.

Asked her to do her job (empty the dishwasher) and she argued that is wasn't a job it was a chore and it was so unfair because other child was doing something else.

That was just yesterday. It's constant.

OK so it is annoying for sure, but you also need to make sure you're not picking at every little thing she does. Let some stuff go and pick your battles with her.

Do you spend any one on one time with her, just the 2 of you? I'd recommend this in order to try to build a relationship with her. It's harder for them to argue and be rude if they see you as a person in your own right, rather than "just mum". I think doing stuff just the 2 of you, helps in this regard.

I would also say, if you've decided that she needs to stop arguing and that whatever it is, is a battle you're going to pick, then you need to have a zero tolerance approach. Remove her phone until she stops arguing about whatever it is.

It depends what she wants to be right about?
I used to just ask questions, and say things like
If you say so, or I'm not sure that's a good idea, let me know if you need help with that

you just described my dd! She does this, but it’s actually attention seeking. Rather than say ‘stop doing x’, unless it’s dangerous, ask her what’s she up to, show some interest, invite her to join in with what you’re doing or would she like to do something together after you’re done.

with chores, it’s much easier to agree a tidy up before something fun. So she can do x once the dishes are away. Do chores together. It really helps. If she has clothes to wash, ask if she needs anything washed, get her to take them down. Does she want to add detergent, press the on button.

remember you’re teaching independence AND it’s a family home where everyone chips in. If you constantly argue she will build resentment towards you and it will only get worse.

I struggle with this too, but I’m working on it and it’s definitely better when I pay more attention and ensure dd feels heard and understood. I check in, see what she’s up to, get her buy in on chores and I find dd becomes super helpful and engaged rather than when I make her help.

good luck!

@Dacadactyl when it's just the 2 of us she's great, she's so much fun to be around and so funny. She gets a lot of attention but as soon as it's not all about her she starts doing things that she knows are annoying.

I've tried removing her things, taking away her pocket money, spending more time with her, and ignoring her behaviour, and now I'm at a loss, I don't know how to make things good for her so that she stops acting out all the time.

@OnMyWayToSenility I try saying ok then when I'm done arguing but she just keeps going. It sounds stupid writing it down because it comes across as petty wee things but its relentless.

Mine was the same! It's a an odd age where they'd like more independence but are a bit envious of their siblings still being young enough to hang with mum.
So they act up.
If she keeps going on and on.. ask her what the real problem is, and look concerned. I used to just say okay we're done talking about that, your still going on and on about it. Please stop. Unless there's something else you would really like to talk about I'm going back to watch my film.

Are the other kids her full siblings ? Does she like your DP ?

Yes, she likes my DP. Her other sibling is nearly 18 and they are half-siblings but they have only really had me so it's not really been any different.

It sounds like she just wants some attention and the only way she’s getting it is by annoying you and she’s not getting the reaction from you she wanted she’s just getting shouted out maybe sit and take time out with her play games with her x

@babybooxx I can't give her my undivided attention all day every day. As a family we watch movies, play games or do other things every day. She gets time with just me most days whether its helping with dinner or playing a game or just chatting. She takes more of my time than my partner and other kid because I thought it would make things better. It hasn't. It makes no difference.

I don’t know then I wouldn’t blame yourself though kids always test our patience haha she’s starting to transition into her teenage years too so don’t think the attitude is gonna stop anytime soon x

It sounds like she doesn’t listen to you and you don’t listen her.

Pick your battles, lighten up a bit around her so that more interactions are fun/playful/positive over negative or neutral. And then when you want her to seriously respond to you put clear consequences in place.

Sometimes she’s just being typically pre teen self centred but sometimes she’s attention seeking and unhappy. She might benefit from a serious ‘are you ok’ talk. Be prepared to have to repeat that question over time, she might not tell you the truth straight away.