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Original poster

Boy kissed DD(4) against her wishes

10 replies

joan99 · 31/03/2023 20:48

Apologies if I've duplicated this post - I had to make a new account and it's been really glitchy.

DD has been quiet today - unusually so. Then at bedtime she said a boy at nursery kissed her and it made her cry, and that she told her key worker. We weren't told about this, and DD is known to not like hugs etc from the other children so I can't see a way in which she agreed to this.

We've obviously flagged to the nursery as a matter of urgency, but as it's the weekend we won't hear back until Monday.

Does anyone have any advice on how to discuss with DD? She mentioned just before bed so it didn't feel right to dive too deep into it as she was really tired and already upset. I don't want her to think about it all weekend, but we want to understand more about it and to tell her we're handling it.

Any advice / reflections appreciated

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MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2023 20:51

I assume you've already had a few, "your body belongs to you" conversations. DD knew at that age that no one gets to touch her without permission and that she gets to choose.

Then it's a matter of talking about what to do if it does happen.

Christmasbahhumbug · 31/03/2023 20:58

I would praise her for telling her keyworker and you. I would then come up with a strategy with her (such as saying no loudly/pushing away) and then lightly say that you’ll mention it to nursery so that they know that that is what you have asked her to do in case she is worried and so that she can see you are all on the same side to support her.

I turn wouldn’t mention it again but over the next few weeks I would be building in some assertiveness skills/role play and making sure she knows about bodily autonomy and her right to say no.

Original poster

joan99 · 31/03/2023 21:07

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/03/2023 20:51

I assume you've already had a few, "your body belongs to you" conversations. DD knew at that age that no one gets to touch her without permission and that she gets to choose.

Then it's a matter of talking about what to do if it does happen.

Yes she's usually very vocal and assertive (including many nights where we're told not to hug - which is great to see her being firm!) which is why I'm so surprised this happened.

I'm really surprised her key worker didn't mention it but maybe that's just me being hyper sensitive to it?

Will definitely go through some role play in a week or so

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UndercoverCop · 31/03/2023 21:18

DS is a hugger we've taught him very firmly that other than mummy and daddy you ask if someone wants a cuddle first and if they say no you accept that. He's good at doing this (also 4) we've spoken about consent in age appropriate terms. I understand coercion, why people can't say no etc, but there's time for that he's only young and it's a good place to start.
Having said that nursery thought it was cute and quirky that he asks and doesn't just hug other kids.
Yesterday morning we were queuing to get in, his best friend came along and they were pleased to see each other, he said Johnny would you like a cuddle? Johnny said yes please and they had a big cuddle.
Make sure nursery are definitely aware this happened, depending on how big the nursery is they might not have seen (ours has free flow and forest school) , or fully understood what she was saying, then take it from there.

Rycbar · 31/03/2023 21:40

Children learning personal boundaries is a normal part of development - if it was dealt with in the moment, staff spoke to the boy etc, I wouldn’t necessarily tell the parents. I understand your child didn’t like it and it’s great she told an adult but I teach nursery and reception and if I told every parent every moment that every child got upset about something another child had done that day I’d be there all night. Usually I would only tell parents if it was something I’d consider outside of normal development or if a child was hurt.

LizzieSiddal · 31/03/2023 21:51

Agree with @Rycbar that the nursery not mentioning it to you is quite understandable. Your dd said she didn’t like it, it’s great she told her key worker and it would have been felt with there and then. There is really no need for it to be mentioned to you.

WandaWonder · 31/03/2023 21:54

It was dealt with it does not need to be a long drawn out issue

No I would not expect to be told this about a 4yo

starlight207 · 01/04/2023 08:06

My DS5 was upset a few months ago as a girl kept kissing him and he didn't like it. I told him to tell her politely not to & I mentioned it to his teacher who said she would speak with her. He hasn't mentioned it since so I presume it's all sorted.

Charlieiscool · 01/04/2023 08:14

I’m sure DH will get over the trauma if you let her but you could create a huge drama if you prefer. Call the police perhaps. All she needs to know is how to stop it if a 4 year old tries to get too close in future.

AegonT · 01/04/2023 08:27

Your daughter did the right thing to tell her teacher and you should praise her for that. I would also tell her she can firmly say no/move away/push him away if it happens again. At that age I wouldn't expect the school/nursery to tell you. It won't be unusual for kids to hug/kiss each other and be learning about personal space and consent. They would have dealt with it there and then, comforting your daughter and educating the kisser.

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