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Original poster

Id just like advice on a serious matter.

13 replies

Justttc97 · 29/03/2023 22:46

Hi

long Story short me n my sons dad haven’t been together for 4 years and he’s had a gf since we haven’t been together.

we normally meet at a public place but for a certain reason we did hand over at my house and anyway he raped me.

it wasn’t violent but I told him numerous times to stop and get off me but he said he was caught up in the moment.

social services and police are involved I have chosen not to prosecute.

I feel awful for my son, he asks to go to he’s dads and of course he can’t right now because of the police and social services want to perform risk assessments.

i know he wouldn’t hurt our son and I hate him for what he’s done, he can only ask regarding our son through a family member now.

am I stupid for wanting my son to still have a relationship with he’s father? I know he’s too young to understand the fact he’s not going but I just don’t want him to hate me in a later life I never had my real dad growing up as he was domestically violent to my mum but I still wanted that relationship as much as I loved my mum and she could do no more.

advice please

OP posts:
Original poster
Justttc97 · 30/03/2023 07:35

Anyone?

OP posts:
HereIfYouNeedMe · 30/03/2023 07:36

Prosecute and protect your son

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 30/03/2023 07:37

I am so, so sorry for what happened to you.

Your son is of course too young to understand now, but he will when he's older. You are protecting him from harm by keeping him away from this horrible man.

Rollerpiggy · 30/03/2023 07:47

Do exactly what the authorities advise, or you’ll be seen as not protecting your child. You may think your son is not at risk from
his father, but he is at risk of picking up the misogynistic views and violent tendencies of his father that are equally as awful. All rape is violent, all rape is aggressive as it is against another persons will and strips them of their power

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 30/03/2023 08:05

Rollerpiggy · 30/03/2023 07:47

Do exactly what the authorities advise, or you’ll be seen as not protecting your child. You may think your son is not at risk from
his father, but he is at risk of picking up the misogynistic views and violent tendencies of his father that are equally as awful. All rape is violent, all rape is aggressive as it is against another persons will and strips them of their power

Absolutely this. Do you really want your boy to spend time with a man capable of rape just so he has a father figure in his life?

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you but I would rethink your decision not to press charges.

Marchforward · 30/03/2023 08:06

I’m assuming your son as the rape took place at handover. This shows he is a danger to his son.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/03/2023 08:08

Prosecute!

As for your son, as parents we make decisions for our children that are best for them not always what they want. Do you want this man to be a role model, to help shape your son?
I would prosecute and explain to your son in very simple terms that daddy did something wrong and cannot see either of you at the moment.

Stickmansmum · 30/03/2023 08:09

You have been so brave and I’m so impressed you took this to the police and didn’t just sweep it under the carpet like a lot of people do (zero criticism for them, completely understand).

keep going OP. You’ve shown yourself to be strong and able to stand up for yourself and your son. And part of that is not letting sentiment or mind games from him over time dilute what he actually did.

QueenSmartypants · 30/03/2023 08:14

I am so sorry you've been through this, it's awful.

Prosecuting rape is a big decision and its no secret it isn't easy so it's easily understandable that you've chosen not to. I'd check what others have said about you not protecting your child (which I don't agree with btw) and would suggest you contact a solicitor with expertise in family law/child sage guarding. From my own experience of solicitors, I would think you could ask and be answered (with no liability) without charge.

Regarding your child's relationship with his father - personally, I don't think its in any child's best interests to have a relationship with an abusive parents, whether that abuse is directed towards the child or not but I do understand why you're reluctant to sever contact. I think, ultimately, you'll probably be guided by social services. I've read numerous posts here where contact is court ordered in spite of domestic abuse. Has your ex admittedly to the rape?

My advice is cooperate fully with social services and comply with all their requests. Speak to Rape Crisis for help for yourself. And be very, very gentle with yourself. You're not at fault and you're not to blame.

LBFseBrom · 30/03/2023 08:16

I am so, so sorry this has happened to you, it must have been horrific. The fact that your ex said he didn't stop because he was caught up in the moment shows a total lack of any self control. He is likely to rape again.

It is a difficult (and awful), situation but I agree with what others have said above; this man is no role model for your son and you must protect the boy. You can make excuses about why he can't see his father for the time being. I hope there are some good men in your life, family or friends, whom you trust and your son can admire.

You did well to report to the police. Please do take care of yourself. x

Changingplace · 30/03/2023 08:21

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, well done for reporting to the police, that’s very brave.

I think you should take advice from police and social services, they may well advise your ex doesn’t see your son as he’s clearly violent & abusive, allowing him to continue a relationship could well be seen as a safeguarding risk.

caramac04 · 30/03/2023 08:28

I agree with pp’s. Be guided by the authorities. Please do not feel guilty about your ds having no contact with his father. This is protecting your son.
You say handover was normally in a public place, were you uncomfortable with ex coming to your home prior to this?
Honestly, build a life for you and your son without a rapist in it.

Original poster
Justttc97 · 30/03/2023 10:47

Hi all,

thank you for all your advice.

i’m complying with social services and of course will do what ever they say.

the police have just been the worst to be honest, I’m getting a non molestation put in place. The police took nearly 3 weeks to even contact me and when they did they asked if they just want them to speak to him ?? I don’t know if it’s because it’s domestic but just didn’t feel all that important. I of course have copious amounts of evidence such as forensics and voice notes.

he’s current girlfriend knows about it and has heard the voice notes but he’s denying any sexual interaction even happened, I just don’t want to be made out to be a liar and I dontknow if I could deal with the cross examination.

@caramac04 yes he was always a bit overly touchy and flirty with me which is why I would normally meet him in public. I think he just seen an opportunity and took it unfortunately.

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