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Original poster

Is this emotional abuse?

20 replies

PeanutbutterJam · 29/03/2023 20:39

Trying to keep this as short as possible.
Me and my children's dad separated 4 years ago. Both moved on with new partners etc and normally Co parent pretty well.
If anything crops up on either parents days/nights we often swap if needed.

A couple of weeks ago, dd was invited to a friends birthday party on her dad's night so she called to ask her dad if she could go instead of going to his that night.
This led to a royal telling off on the phone how no she wasn't allowed and she had to go to his to recieve a punishment.
A punishment which he hadn't mentioned previously but in his words has built up over months of her been cheeky and having an attitude.

Dd went into school the following day, very upset and the welfare teacher called me asking me to pick her up at the end of the day instead of her grandad.
This lead to me receiving a message from my ex basically stating because she hadn't gone to his, he didn't want her going to his on any of his allocated days including the following weekend.

Now it's a new week and she went last night as planned. But came home today and she states they (her dad and his partner) have taken loads of her stuff away.
Her phone, ipad, hair curlers, hair dryer, jewellery, perfumes even her lip balms. Basically anything that isn't clothes.

I don't want to send her anymore. I feel like I'm sending my own child to the wolves and agreeing with their appalling behaviour if I were to send her.
Can I report this to anyone? If so who?
I've just recently had a baby so my emotions are all over the place as it is.
I welcome any advice.

OP posts:
Twillow · 29/03/2023 20:47

I'm presuming, with all those items listed, she is well into her teens? In which case she is old enough to decide for herself if she wants to got o her dads or not.

Nightynightnight · 29/03/2023 20:50

How old is she? Have you actually spoken to him about what the punishment was for?

Original poster
PeanutbutterJam · 29/03/2023 20:53

She's 11.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeanutbutterJam · 29/03/2023 20:56

He did tell her a couple of years ago that she could decide where she wanted to be once she turned 10.
She reminded him of this and he just accused her of answering back.

I did ask the reasoning for the punishment and it was literally because she's been cheeky over the past couple of months. He has let this build up and not punished her previously.

OP posts:
Twillow · 29/03/2023 21:02

You need to have a conversation with him about it - you're fortunate in many ways to be able to co-parent effectively. Ask him how she has been behaving and why he is unhappy. Ask him why he was upset that she wanted to go to a friend's party. By all means, tell him you think the punishment is slightly draconian (personally I'm surprised an 11-year-old has hair curlers and perfumes etc - and yes I have DDs) but be careful of coming down too strongly on your daughter's side without the full picture. I don't think it needs 'reporting' to anyone frankly.

CombatBarbie · 29/03/2023 21:03

Nah, you deal with things at the time, not let the incidents accumulate and then give the ultimate punishment.

Its her choice now, no court would force her to go.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 29/03/2023 21:06

Imo 'punishments' are stupid unless for a major uncharacteristic transgression (not what's happened here). Day to day - natural consequences are far more effective, and if the consequence is the removal of a device for eg. This must be clearly warned about beforehand so that child has opportunity to change their behaviour, and applied swiftly so that they understand the connection.

Letting some vague grievances build up over weeks/months and then applying massive punishments is ridiculous and totally not ok. If your dd doesn't want to go, please support her.

gemloving · 29/03/2023 21:06

I wouldn't want to see my dad if he thinks that's ok. Even at 11 I knew what was right and wrong.

Twillow · 29/03/2023 21:07

From your update, it sounds as if he is having a hard time dealing with her getting older/more independent/pre-teen and coming down like a ton of bricks because he is scared. Honestly, I would try and work with him on this, tell him how she felt , talk about ways that you find effective if discipline is required, and say that you would hate for her to decide not to see him anymore.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 29/03/2023 21:08

Definitely talk to him about it, but do support your dd as well. He is being a dick, but hopefully he will see sense.

Kanaloa · 29/03/2023 21:12

I don’t like the idea of because she didn’t go to his one day he refused to have her for arranged contact days later. Punishing her by opting out of parenting is nasty and will not help her behave better.

Personally at 11 years old I’d loosen things a bit and let her decide what she’s doing a bit more. If she wants to see less of her dad (which I imagine she will given his overly harsh attitude) then that’s that.

Kanaloa · 29/03/2023 21:13

That’s not me saying he had no right to discipline his child, but setting aside a weekend where she must ‘receive a punishment’ and will have all her possessions removed, because she was rude or similar in the weeks before, just isn’t good parenting.

choochooandspook · 29/03/2023 21:22

being stopped from going to a party, not allowing her to visit for a week AND taking away all her personal stuff just for being cheeky ( which most 11 year olds can be) it sounds totally excessive to me, I would fully support your DD if she didn't want to go anymore, who would! God help her when she goes through her teenage hormones, what punishments will they come up with then!

Original poster
PeanutbutterJam · 29/03/2023 21:36

The thing is she's putting on a massive front. Acting as if she's not bothered.
She did the same when he told her he didn't want to see her for the week, until she went to school and broke down in tears to her teacher.

I've asked her how she's feeling about it all and she's saying she's not bothered as she doesn't have to see them for a while anyway (I had already asked to have her for the first full week of the Easter holidays). I'm just not sure how she'll feel come good Friday when its her time to go.

OP posts:
bertie11 · 29/03/2023 22:43

is this abuse?

today i was laying on my boyfriends chest in bed and i playfully when to bite him i was going to do it hard, he pushed his fingers into my jaw which hurt so i said ow and slapped him on the chest(not hard). he squeezed and bent my wrist. because he was being mardy i turned his phone off playfully and poked him, he then got up and put my hands on the bed and knelt on my arm with his shin, then squeeze my other wrist, saying am i going to stop it? is that abusive or should i not have been biting/being annoying in the first place?

bertie11 · 29/03/2023 22:52

is this abuse?

today i was laying on my boyfriends chest in bed and i playfully when to bite him i was going to do it hard, he pushed his fingers into my jaw which hurt so i said ow and slapped him on the chest(not hard). he squeezed and bent my wrist. because he was being mardy i turned his phone off playfully and poked him, he then got up and put my hands on the bed and knelt on my arm with his shin, then squeeze my other wrist, saying am i going to stop it? is that abusive or should i not have been biting/being annoying in the first place?

Twillow · 29/03/2023 23:56

bertie11 · 29/03/2023 22:43

is this abuse?

today i was laying on my boyfriends chest in bed and i playfully when to bite him i was going to do it hard, he pushed his fingers into my jaw which hurt so i said ow and slapped him on the chest(not hard). he squeezed and bent my wrist. because he was being mardy i turned his phone off playfully and poked him, he then got up and put my hands on the bed and knelt on my arm with his shin, then squeeze my other wrist, saying am i going to stop it? is that abusive or should i not have been biting/being annoying in the first place?

You'd be better off starting your own thread (unless you're making an analogy here, which seems unlikely in the context). But in brief, it seems like you may not be reading his signals and he's responding aggressively which is never good.

BurbageBrook · 30/03/2023 07:42

I agree, they sound awful. Don't send her if she doesn't want to go. At 11 it's her choiceZ

Kanaloa · 30/03/2023 08:28

bertie11 · 29/03/2023 22:52

is this abuse?

today i was laying on my boyfriends chest in bed and i playfully when to bite him i was going to do it hard, he pushed his fingers into my jaw which hurt so i said ow and slapped him on the chest(not hard). he squeezed and bent my wrist. because he was being mardy i turned his phone off playfully and poked him, he then got up and put my hands on the bed and knelt on my arm with his shin, then squeeze my other wrist, saying am i going to stop it? is that abusive or should i not have been biting/being annoying in the first place?

You need to start another thread but this sounds ridiculous and like you both need to grow up and stop ‘playfully’ acting like idiots.

Marchforward · 30/03/2023 14:51

OP I would speak to the welfare person at school so they understand that your daughter maybe upset and ask them for advice. They won’t be able to solve the teacher but they will be able keep an eye on your daughter and offer a listening ear.

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