Mother daughter dynamic

[Modemaman]

I'm due to have a baby girl soon and whilst I'm so happy part of me worries it will bring up uncomfortable feelings about my own relationship with mother when I was younger.

Me and mum are fine now as everyone has matured but dynamics were problematic growing up. I felt jealousy from her sometimes towards me - not overtly but subtle things. We also sometimes compared looks/ weight when I was a teen and there was a lot of emphasis on weight/ looks at certain points. I had horrendously low self esteem but no adults around me who were mature enough themselves to build me up so ended up getting into failed relationships, having no boundaries etc. It was generally an emotionally neglectful upbringing that I've tried to correct myself in recent years.

I'm terrified some of these things could resurface with a daughter or what if I start behaving like my mother did? Comparing or being resentful? I'd hate to become like that but worry I'm hardwired to be a bit toxic due to upbringing

Hey @Modemaman
Congratulations and I can totally relate to everything you're saying. I suggest having a chat with your midwife and seeing what support is available and if you can afford it, maybe do some therapy. I had so many mum issues I needed to work through after the birth of my kid and therapy was invaluable. I just needed to know I was breaking the cycle and that I could parent differently and i needed to figure out how to build those skills and what worked for me as a mum. Therapy really helped me work through all this and seven years on I can report I have a lovely relationship with both of my kids, tho in no small part because of the work I did with the therapist. You might find it comforting to know that the biggest predictor of passing on a different attachment style after a traumatic childhood is being able to reflect on your own experience.

If you like reading, I also suggest
-Janet lansburys blogs on respectful parenting
-Philipa Perry's 'the book.you wish your parents had read'
-how to talk to kids so kids will listen and kids will talk
-Oliver James they f*ck you up
-Dr Beckys parentig podcasts