Hysterical Toddler!

[OhhhBiscuits]

Any advice would be lovely please.

I’m a stay at home parent to my 19 month old. For the past few weeks when my partner (her dad) gets home from work she becomes absolutely hysterical. Cries to the point of coughing / retching when he comes into the room, clings onto me etc. It’s really hard because the routine was DP would come home and take her while I cooked, now it’s either leave her with him hysterical or try and navigate cooking around her jumping up at me etc (not safe). She can see me from the dining room (we have a hatch into the kitchen) but that sometimes makes it worse. He’s good with her tries to distract her with toys and books etc but she’s not interested. She won’t even watch bluey which is her favourite when he’s in the room 🙈

She does calm down eventually but it’s taking longer and longer, and now it’s transferring to mornings too. She used to be fine with him in the mornings but this morning she wouldn’t give him a cuddle and cried when asked for one / said bye.

But if DP wakes her up, she’s absolutely fine with him. She’s pretty much 99% fine with him on weekends, in fact it sometimes becomes the opposite where she gets clingy with him. We alternate bedtimes and she’s always fine for him to put her to bed. On Fridays he drives her to his parents house before work as they have her on a Friday and she’s always giggly and happy, smiles and waves and blows kisses at him. Happy when he comes to pick her up there, so I know this is just irrational toddler brain in action rather than anything to be majorly concerned about I just have no idea how to help her with her feelings.

I’ve tried talking to her 10/15 mins before he gets home (she gets panicky then) I’ve tried running up to him and giving him a big hug too, which results in tears and crying, we’ve tried ignoring him etc still makes her cry when she looks at him. I’ve not told her off or got angry with her off because she’s too little for any of that but what do we do?

Didn't want to read and run - do you think it's separation anxiety? Ie she's having fun with you and knows she's going to be handed off to Daddy and have to stay away from Mummy for a while?

Lots of encouragement, Mummy will come back soon etc

Can you do some dinner prep when she naps so it's an easier process later?

Thanks @DragonbornMum I do think it’s some form of SA. I’m a ftm so I haven’t got a clue in honestly I’m winging everything 🙈 The first few times she came back from my MiL she was the same with me, didn’t want to come near me.

Definitely helps explaining for 5 seconds then it’s launching herself onto the floor in tears.

I usually start prepping before he’s home, it’s just when the oven is on / things are cooking etc I’m worried about her plodding around in case I spill hot water or she touches the oven etc.

I think it’s probably one of those that’ll go away over time it’s just hard seeing her like that and seeing DP feeling sad as he loves her so much.

Honestly they can't regulate their emotions in the same way that we do, tears and being hysterically upset doesn't mean sad or distressed. They also become more aware of hey daddy (or mum) has gone out, will they come back? They don't necessarily understand that ah yes they do come home hurrah or though they do get to grips with it eventually- I used to be a childminder and it was very common when parents came to pick their little ones up; it wasn't that they were actually sad to see them, it was more all of these emotions and I can't deal with them (and probably tired too).

Reality is that you can't switch up your whole routine because of it, it will pass and although not pleasant as long as there's nothing else going on then little one is fine and going through big adjustments around emotions, awareness of the world around them and everything else. Just trial and error to see what works really, although young worth repeating daddy is going to work, daddy is at work, daddy is home and finding some books about it to go through.

Lots of encouragement, Mummy will come back soon etc

Personally I'd refrain from this!

Just stay calm and collected like when they have the same issue with nursery drop off etc. No additional fuss.

Daddy is home now, Mummy is going to cook tea, go play with Daddy now. Repeat repeat, it’ll pass. It’s hard but it’ll be a phase. The worst thing you can do is give in to it and then you’re on the slippery slope of parental preference where you can’t go to the toilet in peace.

We’ve had the same except the other way around, where he screamed and screamed for DH to do bedtime when it was my turn (we also alternate) but I had to suck it up for a couple of weeks and it just suddenly stopped when he realised he was stuck with me every other night 😂

My first thought was daddy coming home = mummy leaving (even though it's just the kitchen). When we had phases like this, different things worked. Can your DH cook a few nights instead and you keep playing with DD then try again with dad? This worked for us the first time but the second phase I was heavily pregnant and just couldn't do some things so we had to gently say "it's daddy's turn now to do nappy and jammies" and eventually it got better again.
These phases come and they're difficult but she'll be comfortable with dad again

Thanks all. Typically we had a much better reaction today. DP got home early so had time to join in with some songs and dancing etc. Then she had a bit of a cry when she went upstairs with him to get a nappy change but was fine by the time she got to the top of the stairs. Came back down and played while I was in the kitchen, shouted mumma when she saw me through the hatch but carried on playing.

Definitely need to adjust the routine a bit, prep dinner etc. DP usually cooks on weekends but might try changing that up too.

Thanks all.