Everything is unmanageable

[EssexMamisoa]

i have a five month old baby FTM. I’m on Mat leave for 11 months from a corporate and fairly demanding job. On balance I am really really enjoying mat leave. Love spending time with my baby.

However, I am slowly starting to notice that I am finding little things unmanageable / stressful. Things I would never have blinked twice at before the baby. Really silly things that I would feel embarrassed to say and make no sense when I tell my DH.

I’m not sure if it’s the straws that keeps breaking the camel’s back, or have I just lost my ability to cope?

Is this normal post having a baby?

Pre baby I used to balance multiple things with my high demanding and fairly senior role.

I honestly believe people who have have a busy job and who are used to being in control and organised find having a baby more difficult to adjust to. You can’t plan and organise in the same way.

The sleep deprivation is the killer for most parents. It’s one of the main torture techniques.

It might be normal, it might be that you need a little more support, which is absolutely fine. It's obviously bothering you a bit, so I'd encourage you to talk to someone, your partner, gp or health visitor would be the obvious options. What kinds of things are you struggling with, and what is your reaction?

Honestly really really silly things that wouldn’t bother me in the slightest before! It’s such silly things. So small.

An example is I ordered a little outfit from Etsy for my baby (not for an occasion I just liked it so no rush to receive it really I just was looking forward to putting DD in it) and I stupidly didn’t check the dispatch date when ordering. Anyway dispatch date is one month and it’s SO silly but it’s made me stressed and I can’t seem to make a decision on whether to wait patiently or order the same thing from another supplier I’ve seen with quick delivery. Normally it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. I know it’s SO silly (I don’t need to be told this it is embarrassing to write it).

But I feel I have about 100 of these stupid little examples in my brain at the moment.

Also general things such as the house, need to return some clothes from asos, bills, cost of living all stressing me out (even though we have a cleaner and DH deals with bills). Again mundane things (but perhaps less silly) but that pre baby wouldn’t cause me any stress at all.

I used to be very organised and on the ball at work but go with the flow outside of work.

I am so similar. I love my corporate job where I'm responsible for projects, budgets, my time and other's, etc. But being a mum is just... so unexplainably different and difficult!

When you're sleep deprived, amongst the first skills that you lose are organising and decision making. Add to this that as a FTM, every single element of every day is a decision that to me at least, feels weighted with huge responsibility.

Dehydration also causes you to become snappy.

So absolutely, speak to those suggested by a PP if you can, but know you're not alone in this strange new world. I've come to a level of acceptance that life is just not my job where even if everything is a shitshow I can fix it. Acceptance of these things is helping me while I try desperately to help my 6mo terrible sleeper to sleep.

Drink some water & take 1 thing at a time. Anything a mother manages on top of caring for a young baby is an achievement.

I think to a certain extent this is normal- having your first baby can really re-set how your brain works- well, for me anyway! But it can also be a sign of anxiety- if this is your first time experiencing these sorts of worries and stresses in this way, it could be worth looking into some CBT or talking to your GP/ Health Visitor. Or even to start with, just a friend or your partner just to air some of the worries and to get a sense check!

After my first baby, I had post-partum anxiety and depression, and can very much relate to what you have written here. I had to buy a hat for my baby, and it just seemed like the most intimidating task in the world (for example).

But, I meant to add, I had a previous diagnosis of anxiety and depression, so was able to recognise it for what it was, and accessed 12 sessions of CBT through my local trust, which helped massively.

Regardless of whether you think it's worth talking to a professional or not, it can be really helpful to make a list of your worries, and examine why they might be worrying you and if you can or should take any action to address them. Look up the worry tree (https://www.cbtcliniclondon.com/5-ways-to-stop-worrying-leaflet/). And to also think about your circle of influence - eg taking ASOS order to the post office- yes- you can do something about this. Cost of living? no.

I get it @EssexMamisoa I have felt very similar at times.

A PP described it very well, it's hard making decisions when sleep deprived, and when you suddenly feel the weight of responsibility on your shoulders, every single choice you make is infused with that responsibility, even when it's not really relevant.

I will also add that for me, when I was worrying subconsciously about bigger things, I tended to be paralyzed by small decisions, fixate on irrelevant issues,or procrastinate over jobs that needed to be done. For me it was a symptom of not dealing with or facing up to the bigger worry.

When you're caring for a little baby, you also get a lot of time to sit and think. Your brain has plenty of time to wander off and worry about things in the time you spend feeding, rocking, cuddling and soothing, especially in the small hours of the morning. To the point that not only are you stressing about little things, but you're stressing about being stressed, and then putting more pressure on yourself to not be stressed, to relax and enjoy your mat leave.

Don't be too hard on yourself, and don't expect to just bounce back to normal, whatever normal is. You are where you are right now, and putting more pressure on yourself is not going to help. Do ask for some extra support if you feel overwhelmed. There's nothing wrong with that.

Thanks everyone. Firstly glad to hear I’m not the only one who feels like this. At least I’m not going mad. Some really helpful suggestions from everyone.

@Whathappenedto thanks for your suggestions too. I will try and speak to DH again to start off with, but I don’t think he quite gets it!!

It's the loss of control.

I have it too.

The inability to do anything I want or need to do until a set time each evening manifests as frustration over the tiniest things.

Especially when a job should be 'quick' and something always, always goes wrong.

I feel like this does sum it up very well.

Yep, been there. It's the loss of control which makes you start to question EVERYTHING! It does get better, I promise. I had a bit of post natal anxiety which also exacerbated things - some mindfulness techniques helped that. Generally it got a lot better when I went back to work to be honest.

@MGee123 thank you that’s helpful to hear!

Yes, I think I did (or do) have slight post natal anxiety to be honest. I took my baby to a large shopping mall at 4 months and I felt on edge that someone was going to steal my baby out of the pram - which I recognised wasn’t rational or normal. I’ve been back to the mall since and didn’t have these thoughts!

OP I experienced similar. My brain often felt too overwhelmed (or possibly too tired) to make decisions. I also had a lot of short term memory issues - a lot of things were in one ear and out the other. I couldn't seem to keep mental lists or keep track of things as I usually would And of course the constant fear/anxiety of being responsible for a tiny helpless human that seems hell bent on injuring itself constantly! In the early days I had a regular fear/vision of falling down the stairs while carrying my baby and other similar disasters (which never came to pass thankfully).

Anyway that's all to say that motherhood definitely fucks with your head and in my experience is a lot harder and scarier than the corporate job that I trained for a get paid to do!!

Sounds like you're doing great. It will get easier