Children witnessing husband’s breakdown

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I’ve name changed for this as it’s such a sensitive topic.
For context, my husband has recently (past 3 weeks) had a kind of mental breakdown, caused by withdrawal from a medication he was taking. He’s finally been out on a different type and it’s helping. However, during the last 3 weeks, the chemical imbalance in his brain changed his mental health dramatically.

My children unfortunately witnessed him break down and smash things and shout, which ended in him sobbing, etc. A second time, he started shouting loudly in the car and they were afraid he was ‘losing it’ again. Finally, he smashed one thing in public, which led to him being removed by security. I was able to move DC away so they didn’t witness that happen, but they heard the commotion and were very stressed.

I have made it clear that the children are my number one priority and I will have no choice but to leave with them if that happens again.

Thankfully, he is now stable with the new medication and been referred for mental health support.

Besides this, we are just a regular family and my husband is a very involved father and incredibly close to the children.

I’m very aware of how damaging the last 3 weeks will have been on them, though. I made the mistake of searching on here and am now full of fear that they will have lifelong trauma and health issues because of what they witnessed.

How can I possibly undo the harm done? They are 12 and 9, so able to fully understand what are going on and can have conversations about it.

I know it’s not my fault that it happened, but I feel guilty that I was not able to protect them from that and am not sleeping thinking of how they may now have irreparable trauma 😞

Please excuse the typos, I’m not sleeping well!

The best thing you can do is talk to them. Explain to them what happened and why and let them ask any questions then answer them honestly, in an age-appropriate way.

The worst thing you can do is brush it under the carpet.

They're old enough to learn adults go through difficulties and that's ok.

Teach them talking is good.

I think if you explain it wasn’t the real him and a reaction to medication, they should be able to grasp that. Yes, scary in the short term and they’ll likely remember it but it doesn’t have to scar them for life.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Keep talking to them , tell school so teachers can talk to them too as they might have worries they don't want to put on you. A trusted family member or friend might talk to them gently too? Explain it as an illness and you will all be able move on I'm sure. If you see the signs of it brewing again if he comes off meds take early action to get him to leave or seek help.

You'd leave your husband because of a reaction to medication? Didn't your vows mean anything? He didn't do it on purpose, the medication messed with his brain. Your children are old enough to understand that their dad acted that way because he was ill and he would never normally do that. You're completely blowing this out of all proportion with all this talk of trauma.

First of all- your husband sounds like a great father who has been very poorly.

I would start talking to them about it, get him to do the same.

I'd also get a short course of counselling/therapy for them to work through their experiences with a professional. A professional would be able to identify any trauma etc and then use a program to work through it.

Then keep talking about it and revisiting it as they get older and putting it into context so that it becomes smaller in their minds. So they can see if for what it was rather than some massive event that they didn't understand.

Myself and my 2 brothers witnessed our Mum have many breakdowns as children and by our teens we knew the signs to look out for and when she needed her medication altered and sometimes needing hospitalisation. As a family we didn’t really speak about it, maybe we should have, but I can’t say we suffered mentally. We knew there wasn’t anything that she could do to prevent these breakdowns, we just tried being supportive to her.

Mine did. They were 10, 9 and 5 at the time. They knew he was unwell. Alll very matter of fact. They were fine. All adults now. DH fine too with right meds.

Thanks, everyone. I think it’s because, when he’s having one one of his ‘episodes,’ they’re incredibly scared of him and so it’s akin to domestic violence. We’ve told them that he wouldn’t hurt me or them, but he was out of control when it happened.

My eldest is a worrier and grinding their teeth all night because of it.

Thanks for the reassurance that they won’t be scarred by it in the long term. I’m doing everything I can to reassure them and create a happy house and explain that it was because Daddy’s mind has been poorly but that it won’t last and he’s already much better. I can tell they’re living in fear and watching him very closely, though

They are scared because they don't understand what's happening. So lots if age appropriate conversations about it.

It will scar only if not spoken about and acknowledged that its scary when it happens but dad is sick and needs help. Once he has the right medication then he is the dad they know and love again.

You will actually do your children a great service in speaking openly about it all.

Ask at school if they have any counsellors who can support.

Thank you so much for the replies.

I’ve spoken to school, so there are lots of people aware. I’ve also told the children that family know, as I didn’t want them thinking it was some secret that they had to carry on their shoulders.

At those ages be honest and frank, they can understand