I really want to get my thoughts out there and I don’t have many people irl who are able to understand where I’m coming from and be able to empathise in any way. I don’t know what I’m looking for when posting this: maybe some solidarity from those who feel the same way or some advice? Or maybe to help any other mums who feel like they’re in the same boat.
If you read all of this then thank you! Because it may be a bit long. And before anybody does suggest it, I don’t have PND. I just have a lot of thoughts in my head 😂
I’m 31 years old, married for 5 years and have 2 DS’ - aged 3 and aged 8 weeks old.
I’ve recently had some thoughts about motherhood and how I’m defined as a person. Right now, I feel that I am only defined by being a mother. I love my kids to pieces. Every day revolves around them at the moment. DS1 only goes to nursery one day a week (this is increasing next month), so it’s me and both kids all day every day, 6 days a week. I feel like I’m on a constant loop of sorting one child out, then the other and so on. Somewhere in between the madness I manage to eat or shower. My days are very much the same and if I’m honest, I’m bored.
I feel like other than being a mother right now, I haven’t really got much else going on for going for me.
Before I fell pregnant with DS2, I was starting to feel like ME again. I was exercising regularly and had lost a lot of my baby weight from DS1, I was doing well in work, I was socialising a lot more, hubby and I were going on nights out together and taking DS1 for weekends away. Life was dare I say it, pretty easy. DS1 also sleeps brilliantly so I myself was feeling very well rested and taking good care of myself physically and mentally. Before DS2, I also took great pride in my appearance in terms of my hair, nails, make up etc.
Now I love DS2 dearly. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon to have a new addition to our family and a sibling for my eldest. I just find that since having him, I don’t feel like me any more and I miss my old life. And I feel very guilty for feeling this way.
I miss not feeling tired, or having the time to exercise or being able to just spontaneously go out whenever we feel like it as a family (it now takes a lot more thought and planning and takes bloody ages to get out of the house with both of them). I miss my evenings to myself and being able to stay up late watching a movie with DH. I do still try to wear make up (not every day) because I feel better and more “put together” when I do.
DH and I sleep in separate rooms. He’s in our room and I’m in a different bedroom with DS2. We agreed this set up whilst I was pregnant. I miss sleeping with him and I miss our intimacy. DH works very hard. He works long hours and often leaves early in the morning and isn’t back home until late evening.
I love him to pieces but also feel some resentment towards him at times. The fact that his life is very much unchanged by having two kids, whereas mine is completely different. I sometimes feel jealous of him leaving the house to go to work and be child-free - I can barely go to the toilet in the day without being child free!!
I also know all of this is a phase. I know the days are long and the years are short and things WILL get easier. It’s hard because DS2 is so little. It’ll also get easier when DS1 increases his nursery days next month. He’ll be out at pre-school 5 days a week so I’ll just have DS2 with me. So I won’t feel quite as overwhelmed with 2 kids.
Bottom line is I’m not quite sure I like just being defined as a Mum right now and I feel like I’ve lost myself somewhere along the line. I know there will be a day that I find myself again and as much as I don’t want to wish away time with my precious boys, I can’t wait to feel like ME all over again.