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What does your dh/dp do/say when you have a moan about how hard your day with the children was?

25 replies

emkana · 12/02/2008 22:29

Ds is officially the clingiest child in the world atm, drives me absolutely potty. Had moan to dh about it today and the thing is dh can't cope with it - becasue there's no "quick fix solution" to suggest he just doesn't know what to say. I keep telling him it would just be nice to be told "it really must be hard for you" but he can't see the point in that.

OP posts:
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MrsTittleMouse · 12/02/2008 22:42

It's a normal DH problem IME. DH used to tell me "why don't you go back to work then?" which wasn't really very helpful. He knew as well as I did that I was booked for logistically-difficult fertility treatment, not great to start a new job around it for practical and emotional reasons.

TBH DH is now much better. Having DD to himself for extended periods is great, because then she doesn't just do the "Daddy Daddy, I'm so glad you're home" thing that he sees every evening, but shows her true colours. I don't think that men generally are hardwired for vague sympathy though, you're right, they think that if you present them with a problem that you are seeking a solution (which of course, doesn't exist).

That's why MN is so good; lots of sympathy and quite often some suggestions for solutions too.

saadia · 12/02/2008 22:44

When I moan, dh says "you'll miss this when they're all grown up" and I have to admit he's probably right.

notnowbernard · 12/02/2008 22:50

We have 'who has had the hardest day' competitions.

I moan about vomit/whingeing/hoover blowing up/playgroup tedium

He raises me hammer to finger injury/wrong material delivery/late payment/parking tickets.

I tell him I'd gladly swap. He tells me he's too terrified to set foot in a playgroup

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threestars · 12/02/2008 23:29

I've stopped even considering moaning about my day as dh would immediately launch into one-upmanship in the hardship stakes and deal his reliable killer blow of offering to swap places, which he knows is impossible right now since I'm heavily up-the-duff and the only place I'd be able to earn enough money to support a family is 200 miles away.
I went through a period of grieving in 2006 and he couldn't handle it at all. Instead of offering sympathy, he suggested I wash the windows! Mrs T. has hit the nail on the head.
Save it for your girl-friends.

AussieSim · 12/02/2008 23:33

My DH raises one eyebrow and continues on with his stuff like I said nothing at all. At which point I often pull him up and point out that I would like a somewhat more detailed response to my comment before I will allow him to get back to his favourite topic - him . He and I are both well aware that he is missing the 'empathy' gene.

peanutbear · 12/02/2008 23:34

I was just about to say the same answers as the above 2 posts I get the "well what about me" statements too so I just laugh at him

If I feel sick he is sicker if I am tired he is shattered

I would swap places with my DH in a snap unfortunatly I dont have a pilots licence whih means I ould stay in hotels instead of here (I am joking really I love being at home wth the children but I would like a rest now and then!!!)

AussieSim · 12/02/2008 23:35

Is there any point in expecting men to behave like women or is that what we have girlfriends/mothers/sisters for?

luciemule · 12/02/2008 23:41

DH says

"I'm the one who has to go out to work all day".

Hmmmmmmm.

Then I'll get something like "you wouldn't be able to do my job" and "looking after the house and kids isn't exactly the same is it?"

I can't be bothered to argue anymore - I just fume inside quietly.

MrsTittleMouse · 13/02/2008 08:28

DH has given away one arguement that he could use as I know that he enjoys his job. He is using his talents, it's interesting, and he is doing rather well.

But I know that when he says "it isn't easy for me either, you know" that what he really means is that he is very responsible and he feels the weight of being the sole earner. Which is fair enough I think.

SuperGrrrl · 13/02/2008 08:59

Usually:

Shall I get us a take away?

Why don't you have a bath?

Or, Shall we have an early night?

ConnorTraceptive · 13/02/2008 09:07

DH is usually pretty understanding - he's not so great with the words but the fact that he takes over with ds when he comes home from work and does bath and bedtime shows me he understands.

SappyLamour · 13/02/2008 09:14

he nods, understands completely, takes over all care until i have recovered, makes me dinner, cleans the kitchen and tidies downstairs while i put them to bed, pours me some wine, gently asks if i want to talk or not... and listens if i do... and acknowledges that parenting small children is the hardest job in the world.

which is about what i expect froma life partner and father of my children tbh... any less than that is just shit, isnt it? (strongly feminist upbringing, thanks mum.)

i do the same for him when he has a hard time. thats why we're called partners.

'course, since we're both human, there are times we're not best placed to look after each others low points, but we try, and we apologise when we've let each other down and get back on track.

and he doesnt look after the kids exactly as i would, but then i dont do it the way he would... i have learned to let him be the father he is, and spend my energies on changing the things i can, like my own behaviour.

do i get trite post of the week award or what???

PetitFilou1 · 13/02/2008 09:22

peanutbear 'If I feel sick he is sicker if I am tired he is shattered'
ditto

Sappy Sometimes if I burst into tears I will get what you get but it takes me to be at the end of my rope for that! I am at home sick at the moment (and this is the first time I have taken time off work in two years) and I had to practically beg him to do some ironing last night as ALL the clothes in the house were in the pile. He did - but he was grumpy about it. Having said that he is usually pretty good but atm he is taken up with finishing his MD and a bit preoccupied. He will be starting an MBA in September just after our third baby arrives

sugarpear · 13/02/2008 09:34

mine is lovely and offers to run me bath cook dinner and a massage and says " i honestly dont know how you do it" .

My trick is to leave him with the kids every now and then just to remind him how much hard work it is.

SappyLamour · 13/02/2008 18:18

well... to be fair i have been struggling with a bad dose of being suicidally blue at a moments notice for the last god knows how long... so he has become well versed in how to take care of me and spot when im going down. bless him. we are v lucky.

stinkycat · 13/02/2008 19:36

my poor old dh still hasnt got home, hes having to get about 3 trains due to a trolley being on the line

poor old bastard

TheFallenMadonna · 13/02/2008 19:38

He usually says "what can I cook for dinner?".

He's a practical man

BroccoliSpears · 13/02/2008 19:39

He says "leave her with me, go and have a play on Mumsnet and I'll bring you a cup of tea when I bring her up to bath her".

Pruners · 13/02/2008 19:40

Message withdrawn

stinkycat · 13/02/2008 20:19

poor old bastard, still aint home

luciemule · 13/02/2008 22:50

Wow - you've all got such understanding DHs!

When I read the OP title I thought it was mainly going to be about how not understanding DHs are when we moan about our days with the DCs.

WallOfSilence · 13/02/2008 22:58

Mine is usually good!

He will tell me to go & bath or something.

he will then frogmarch kids into bedroom & change them into their jammies.

He will get dinner ready & call me in to eat.

He is a good old stick really

Dropdeadfred · 13/02/2008 23:02

My Dp says 'well I'm here now...go and relax...' then plays with dd for about 2 hrs, feed her dinner, baths her and gives her to me for the bedtime bit..all tired out, clean and sleepy...BLISS!!!!

Habbibu · 13/02/2008 23:04

Mine too - he makes a cup of tea, runs a bath, puts baby to bed, cleans kitchen. If I've whinged on the phone he usually comes home with something nice. He is a star, actually...

moljam · 13/02/2008 23:15

mine wants to be a sahd.which would be fine but he can earn more money than i can.

so ive given up moaning if i have hard day!hed love to swap!

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