Disagreement about nursery?

[MoreAmore]

Our DS turned 2 in February and is qualifying for free 15h. Up until now he’s been home with me and due to the lack of both families around basically he’s seen only us daily. Of course, we are going out and about and we go to a baby/toddler group twice a week for an hour but it’s not the same if you have another children/grandmas/aunties etc. you see regularly.
Also he is very shy around people and has always been like this. He doesn’t like when someone is talking to him or me or coming close . On the toddler group while everyone is roaming my around and playing with the musical instruments he prefers sitting on my lap and going through some book.

This morning I was talking with DH about the nursery and that I want to apply for it so he can go maybe twice a week for 2h or something, just to get used to it, so what are his thoughts about this.
So my DH said that he things it’s better that he still stays at home and then when he’s 3 we can send me and get the additional hours. He says because he’s so shy he don’t wanna send him and instead we can go to soft plays and playgrounds. I tried to say it back that maybe it will help him open up, he will get more confident etc but DH was really vague about this that he didn’t know if that’s the best for him.
I understand this is the decision you need to take as a family and discuss it but looks like he’s not really keen about the idea.
How do I convince him, what do I say? I really want him to see other kids, different environment and get used to it specially when he’s struggling a bit socially.
Any ideas or words? DH is not the person that will read research how it’s benefiting it not 2 year olds or something. I just literally have to say something to make him see that it will be better( probably, hopefully) for our DS.

What would happen if you said - Dh, I’ve got a position doing X at company Y for Z hours a week. DS will be at nursery for those Z hours, unless you’d prefer to reduce your hours to stay home with DS whilst I work?

Well at nursery your son will see the same children and adults consistently, experience the same environment, and children generally thrive on routine and familiarity, it makes them feel safe so they can grow in confidence and explore the world. Although that won’t happen with 2h sessions twice a week, and a nursery is unlikely to let you do that either. It’s likely to have to be half day or full day sessions, but that will be easier in terms of him settling there.

My DS does more varied things at nursery than I could do at home. More messy play, forest school, they have trikes and bikes and scooters we don’t have. He also eats better because all the others are eating the e.g. peas and carrots too.

It’s also not going to be less of a wrench at 3, if anything it may be harder when he’s 3.

There is no right or wrong answer though.

Is there any other benefit to your family of taking up some nursery hours? Would it enable you to do something you want or need to do more easily than with your son in tow?

In other words - do you genuinely not see what’s going on here?

Woman: Dear provider/breadwinning man, I have the chance, supported by the state - not by you. - to have 15 hours of time unfettered, to myself, to do as I please. There will also be great benefits for our child. May I?

man: No you may not. I don’t want to see any evidence of the benefits either. You will stay tied to the house with the child, I will be out at work, that’s what’s best for me the child mmkay?

Our situation is very similar. We don't have family near to us so our daughter mostly with us. She is also very shy, she always wanted me to hold her at baby/toddler groups and got scared when strangers talked to her. But it's changed when we put her into nursery (12 months) She goes for 2 full days a week and she is loving it! She is complitely different now at toddler groups. She walks away from me, doesn't get scared if other parents/kids goes near to her and just generally less needy.
I think the fact she is separated from us two days a week really helped her to learn to be more social. We put her in for full days straight away and that was the best decision! It is definitely harder for the parents than for the baby. At the nursery so much going on, he will be well entertained and will learn a lot.
If he is shy, keeping him separated from children is the worst that you can do in my opinion. At least try nursery, if it doesn't work you can always take him out!

I think at the moment it’s more about DS than me. I’m not a career woman, I have a small part time job and I don’t mind staying home for now. Also looking to increase those hours once he’s 3, hopefully.

I just really think it would benefit him because I can see when we go to the toddler group he’s really shy and quiet and when he hears familiar nursery rhyme he kinda opens a bit and smiles but still won’t engage. And sometimes it’s really painful to see, honestly.
Im not sure about how the introduction sessions work but I’m sure he’s not gonna be ok straight in full or even half day.

And DH thinks because he’s so shy better for him to stay home otherwise it’s gonna be too much and too hard for him.

The solution to that is very simple though surely?… if your DS absolutely hates it and doesn’t settle then you stop sending him.

Based on what you are saying I think it would probably benefit your ds to attend from say September but to settle I would suggest you look at at least 3-4 3 hour sessions or 2 full days to allow him to settle, too short and he won't.

Going at 3 is find though as long as you are providing enrichment at home and maybe increase your groups to a slightly longer one to allow him to get comfortable in the session

No way, your husband is being small minded. You son needs to be in nursery and mix with other human beings and work on his confidence, and you need to get back to work. FFS how silly can he get.

In my experience 2x2 hr sessions is much to little and it will be very difficult to get them to settle and see the benefits.

im a big fan of nursery (if it’s a good one) and agree with you that it may be beneficial but I’d suggest the you need to be going for absolute minimum 2 half days if not ideally 2 full days a week for them to get used to it and settle in properly. I’d also be amazed if nursery would accept just 4h per week.

apologies because I’m not sure how those introduction sessions work, that’s why I said those 2 hours. But I can see that it wouldn’t probably work that way.
Even 3h x 3 times a week or 4 times, I wouldn’t mind that in terms of logistics or managing.

You know him best, if you think it would benefit him then I would do it. Mine started 2 mornings a week as soon as he turned too and he absolutely loves it.

And what’s the worse case scenario, you don’t need the childcare so if it’s not a success you can just pull him out and wait until 3+.

I’d personally try it. If it really doesn’t work you can stop. It may be a bit of a wrench but will always be like that to some extent. He might love it

If your son is eligible for the 2 Yr old 15 hours then it's because he's deemed to be from a disadvantaged background (whether that's disability qualification or low income or whatever) and of course you would be sensible to take this opportunity for him and ignore your dh.

However I would use the full 15 hours. 2 x 2 hours is next to useless.

However, 2 hours per day is unlikely to be allowed-every where I’ve ever encountered only does mornings, afternoons, or full days. Otherwise I imagine it would be really disruptive to activities. Since you get 15 hours I’d probably try to do 3 mornings- the more sessions they do the quicker they settle (usually).

I dont think 2-4 hours a week would be enough to be beneficial in any way. I think he will need slightly longer sessions to feel comfortable, perhaps 2 mornings a week. I think you need to explain that it will be harder on your ds the longer he is only with you two only and that won't help him on the path to starting school.