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Original poster

Dad not bonding with 3 month old

12 replies

mnuser08 · 25/03/2023 21:25

Hello - hoping you can give me some advice.

Me and my husband have a 3 month old baby boy (first time parents) and are struggling.

We had always wanted a child and feel so lucky to have him but at the same time could never appreciate just how hard it would be.

My bond with baby has started to grow but my husband this evening told me he feels like a shell of his formal self and that he is just existing. He said he doesn't feel any kind of bond with him and doesn't enjoy him being in our lives (it has been quite the evening!)

I told him it would pass and that the bond will come but I know what he means about it all just feeling so utterly relentless and hard.

What can I do? It breaks my heart he doesn't love his little boy.

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SLT2022 · 25/03/2023 21:29

Could he have post natal depression?

kirsty2023 · 25/03/2023 21:30

mnuser08 · 25/03/2023 21:25

Hello - hoping you can give me some advice.

Me and my husband have a 3 month old baby boy (first time parents) and are struggling.

We had always wanted a child and feel so lucky to have him but at the same time could never appreciate just how hard it would be.

My bond with baby has started to grow but my husband this evening told me he feels like a shell of his formal self and that he is just existing. He said he doesn't feel any kind of bond with him and doesn't enjoy him being in our lives (it has been quite the evening!)

I told him it would pass and that the bond will come but I know what he means about it all just feeling so utterly relentless and hard.

What can I do? It breaks my heart he doesn't love his little boy.

Does he spend time with baby by himself ? And yea having a baby is hard working and it takes over your life for the first year and it does get better I promise I'm on baby 5 and have a 12 week old too I find it is easier to look after the 12 week old on my own and do it all myself some times my other half just gets in the way

HealthyFats · 25/03/2023 21:34

Sorry to hear this. Just wanted to say that it’s a lot more common than you think and that generally it just takes a bit of time. It’s a big life shock and it takes adjustment but I know lots of people, mums and dads, who found it all hard at first but by a year in were head over heels in love with their babies.

That said, if you think he’s depressed or struggling to cope, he should see the GP.

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Gamechanger2019 · 25/03/2023 21:37

I have been here with my own husband, I was so gutted and sad that he felt this way. Things have improved but I still feel I over compensate with my little boy to make sure he feels loved. My husband is very process/structured and given babies are more trial and error he really struggled with this. I hope it gets better for you, but I know how sad it is. We struggled to have our baby and then when this happened I was so mad. 😢

Original poster
mnuser08 · 25/03/2023 21:38

Yes, he has been helping out quite a lot. He works from home so if I need an hour in the morning for example, he will have him with him. It was more to support me as at the start I found it really hard (and had various birth complications after)

He is hands-on and baby is now bottle fed so does some of that too. He is out a lot in the evening so lion share is still mine.

I think recently baby is going through quite a lot having just been a bit ill, then jabs, so has been crying more than normal and been really hard to settle (except from with me usually) - he gets so frustrated he can't settle him or know what he wants and I can see his patience is going (he used to be so incredibly patient so it's not like him but a baby tests anyone!)

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Original poster
mnuser08 · 25/03/2023 21:39

HealthyFats · 25/03/2023 21:34

Sorry to hear this. Just wanted to say that it’s a lot more common than you think and that generally it just takes a bit of time. It’s a big life shock and it takes adjustment but I know lots of people, mums and dads, who found it all hard at first but by a year in were head over heels in love with their babies.

That said, if you think he’s depressed or struggling to cope, he should see the GP.

Thank you, that's reassuring

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Original poster
mnuser08 · 25/03/2023 21:39

Gamechanger2019 · 25/03/2023 21:37

I have been here with my own husband, I was so gutted and sad that he felt this way. Things have improved but I still feel I over compensate with my little boy to make sure he feels loved. My husband is very process/structured and given babies are more trial and error he really struggled with this. I hope it gets better for you, but I know how sad it is. We struggled to have our baby and then when this happened I was so mad. 😢

I echo this! My husband is very logical and can't understand why things don't work...

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YorkshireLawyer · 25/03/2023 21:41

Honestly, I would just give it time. Even though you can probably barely remember life before your baby, it’s still very early days. As a Mum of 4, I still think the transition from no kids to one is the hardest of all. It really does get easier, but when that happens depends on all sorts of things. I say this distinctly remembering regretting my second son and telling my DH I wished we hadn’t had him in some desperate moments (he was a very high needs baby!), yet I would absolutely not be without him now, and went on to have two more…

All this is to say, I think your DH’s reaction and your own feelings are completely normal, even when you expect to have got used to baby and be utterly besotted by them by now. It’s good your DH has opened up to you with how he feels and try to keep the lines of communication open. And make sure you’re treating yourself kindly too, getting a break from baby where you can, whether that’s from DH or anyone else
happy to take them for a bit, and accepting any and all help you can get!

Original poster
mnuser08 · 25/03/2023 21:43

YorkshireLawyer · 25/03/2023 21:41

Honestly, I would just give it time. Even though you can probably barely remember life before your baby, it’s still very early days. As a Mum of 4, I still think the transition from no kids to one is the hardest of all. It really does get easier, but when that happens depends on all sorts of things. I say this distinctly remembering regretting my second son and telling my DH I wished we hadn’t had him in some desperate moments (he was a very high needs baby!), yet I would absolutely not be without him now, and went on to have two more…

All this is to say, I think your DH’s reaction and your own feelings are completely normal, even when you expect to have got used to baby and be utterly besotted by them by now. It’s good your DH has opened up to you with how he feels and try to keep the lines of communication open. And make sure you’re treating yourself kindly too, getting a break from baby where you can, whether that’s from DH or anyone else
happy to take them for a bit, and accepting any and all help you can get!

Thank you for those kind words. Gives me some hope.

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Gamechanger2019 · 26/03/2023 07:11

It will get better with time, cliche but it will! I found certain things triggered my husband - for instance baby crying in public etc so for a little bit we were careful around feeding times and I’d just take control. Then gradually over time my husband would get more involved, I think it’s also a confidence thing. it will get better, and be honest with your husband about how this making you feel too, it’s not all about him. I remember having the conversation on my wedding anniversary (2 months in) that things had to change.

Starsnspikes · 26/03/2023 11:37

You, and he, will see a huge, HUGE difference at around the 6 month mark when your baby starts communicating with you and exploring the world around him. From then on it truly gets better every week as they learn to do more. And you get the most wonderful feedback from them. My husband's bond with our daughter has definitely strengthened in recent months (she's 11 months old now). One of his favourite times is going into the nursery when she first wakes up - as soon as she sees either of us she gets a huge grin across her face and starts waving her arms in excitement. She gives kisses, and waves, and claps, and snuggles. It's infinitely better than when she was just a little lump wriggling round on a play mat at 3 months old!

What he's feeling is really normal and it's good that he's being honest. Just reassure him and give yourselves both some time. I echo what a PP said - it might feel like a lifetime but honestly it's such early days. Things will definitely get better, you're just in the thick of it right now. But what's on the other side is unimaginably wonderful.

Original poster
mnuser08 · 26/03/2023 11:39

Starsnspikes · 26/03/2023 11:37

You, and he, will see a huge, HUGE difference at around the 6 month mark when your baby starts communicating with you and exploring the world around him. From then on it truly gets better every week as they learn to do more. And you get the most wonderful feedback from them. My husband's bond with our daughter has definitely strengthened in recent months (she's 11 months old now). One of his favourite times is going into the nursery when she first wakes up - as soon as she sees either of us she gets a huge grin across her face and starts waving her arms in excitement. She gives kisses, and waves, and claps, and snuggles. It's infinitely better than when she was just a little lump wriggling round on a play mat at 3 months old!

What he's feeling is really normal and it's good that he's being honest. Just reassure him and give yourselves both some time. I echo what a PP said - it might feel like a lifetime but honestly it's such early days. Things will definitely get better, you're just in the thick of it right now. But what's on the other side is unimaginably wonderful.

That's made me so weepy (for good reason) thank you. That gives me hope. Thank you for your reply x

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