Is this normal 3yo boy behaviour?

[specialkayy]

DS has always been high energy and a handful, but recently I've been wondering if he's too much..

For example:

• he's still very attached to his muslin cloth and chews down on it hard whilst making groaning noises
• he's become very rude to DH and I, often growling at us if we try and get him to do something he doesn't want to do, or saying "I told you not to do that, why did you do that!?" In a really shouty voice, just extremely bossy and rude way of talking
• he literally won't get dressed in the morning, resulting in multiple times out, where he cannot comprehend that he's having a time out because of his behaviour. He'll kick, bite and scratch us in order to not get dressed, brush teeth etc.
• completely unable to play on his own, and will get extremely upset if we try and encourage him to do
• rejecting me completely some days, would rather wet himself than let me take him to the toilet etc, even if DH is at work.
• he doesn't watch tv for longer than a minute
• he sometimes repeats the same word or phrase 20/30 times

Above all this, he's intelligent, speaks very clearly and likes to have fun. He can be very sweet but it's not often we see it.

I am trying to work out if he's just a hard toddler or if he's got something else going on..

Given what you've written here, yes I would say there are additional needs present. I would perhaps speak with your GP or health visitor if you still have one.

I’d be asking for a referral to a paediatrician and reading up on ADHD/Asd/ODD.

Hi op. I have a 3 year old ds who also very high energy! Some of the things you listed are very similar to how he can be, such as -

He's very attached to his rabbit comfort teddy and gets anxious if it's out of sight

Repeating words or phrases multiple times, to an excess sometimes

He can sometimes be very rude - more blunt than anything. Sometimes he will roar at other kids if they get in his personal space

He is also very affectionate (to me and his dad) has a large vocabulary and has been reliably potty trained since his 2nd birthday. He got an award at nursery last week for his manners. On the flip side he is often very anxious and likes things to be done "properly". He has an amazing memory, especially for places and routes. Sleep has always been very difficult, he doesn't seem to need much and finds it really hard to relax/wind down.

We're currently going through the process of meeting with dr's about possible autism, mostly due to things that were flagged up at hv reviews, including the report nursery put in as part of that. I'm not sure what will come of it, maybe he is autistic (or somewhere on the spectrum) or maybe he's just a very sensitive kid. Whichever it ends up being, we just want to make sure we can support him as he gets older, with school, friends etc.

Have you spoken to a hv or gp? Is he in a childcare setting, who could maybe give some insight?

DS goes to nursery 4 days a week and they have never said anything negative, which always confuses us because it's so evident when he's at home.
I have even put out feelers and asked how they think he is and all they've ever said is he can sometimes copy the older kids (in preschool) who act naughty and say stroppy, rude phrases.

I think his bad behaviour usually always coincides with a cold/illness, and in the past we have always put it down to that. But to me it seems so extreme that I can't just blame a runny nose.

What I haven't mentioned here is the points I made above are not all the time, maybe just 60% of the time at the moment.
For example Christmas was awful (and I posted on here multiple times for sanity checks) but we had a much better time of it a month ago.

What's hard as well is no one else sees the behaviour he displays except my parents. For everyone else he acts rather shy and just observes everyone. My mum and dad don't think he's got issues and just say he's a naughty boy. My brother has severe autism and special needs so because DS is intelligent they consider him very normal.

It's hard because I'm struggling with his behaviour on a daily basis right now, I read loads about toddlers of 3 being awful, so I question if I'm just not used to it because I'm a first time mum etc, but something does feel off about him, I guess time will tell.

Thanks for your replies x

It sounds like he’s masking around others and at nursery. If so, that’s really hard work for him and likely to mean his behaviour at home is even worse, when he can just let go.

Just because he’s high functioning doesn’t mean he doesn’t have ASD.

That's interesting with the masking thing. I wasn't sure how he could mask for 36 hours a week 😬

Definitely talk to health visitor. Also time outs are generally recommended anymore so that won’t be helping. Good luck op.

• NOT recommended that should say

No, collectively those things are beyond the range of normal. A few by themselves could be brushed off as average preschool behaviour.

I would see the GP and ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician and ask HV for advice. If it turns out to just be more ‘difficult’ normal behaviour due to personality/lockdown then at least you have the referral in the pipeline and HV to give you some advice/strategies.

Does he not take himself to the toilet/potty?

Wow I could of wrote that post my self my dd is 3.5 and that is her down to a T she's the best behaved kid at nursery but a devil at home

I would say repeating the same word/phrase over and over would be the biggest red flag for me, it reminds me of ds (diagnosed at 10). It might be very calming for him and help him regulate so I definitely wouldn't discourage it. Also the growling and chewing and groaning sound like ways a child with ASD might manage emotions. Having a brother with ASD makes it more likely for him to have ASD as being ND tends to run in families.

Apart from masking at nursery he might also cope better there as there will be a clear, familiar routine. I would follow that lead and keep as much routine in your time with him as possible, but if he doesn't understand why he is having a time out then I would completely stop that. I think you need to stop punishing him for not wanting to get dressed or doing his teeth, he might really struggle with the texture and feeling of clothes and the texture and taste of teeth cleaning. You need to be encouraging him and finding ways to make it fun/a game, there is absolutely no point to punishment if you don't know why you're being punished.

Punishing him because he doesn't want to do things that don't feel nice to him is not appropriate either IMO and by the sounds of it he doesn't understand why you're making him do those things and then punishing him when he won't/can't. I would look very carefully at what clothes he likes to wear and make sure he is happy with the feel of them - are they too cold for him to want to put on, too itchy, too tight, too loose, too many seams, labels that irritate him etc. I would also look at the toothpaste, does he like the taste? Do you need to try other toothpastes?

What I would do with ds is sit in the bathroom and tell him that we would do his teeth when he was ready and then we could do something that I knew he enjoyed. I'd then sit against the door and just wait for him to be ready. Don't engage at all except to remind him of the good thing you can do after teeth cleaning every now and then. He would eventually get bored and let me do his teeth so we could do the fun thing. You have to be patient though and I don't know if it would work with every child (ds is pretty damn stubborn though!) Also obviously you need to start on a day when you've got nothing planned!

You need to start looking at things in a different way if he does have ASD as there's a logic/reason to behaviour but it's not always obvious. The more he is understood and his needs are met, the more his behaviour will improve. There's lots to learn!