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Parenting

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Please help can’t cope with dds behaviour anymore.

14 replies

SpinningFloppa · 22/03/2023 21:30

Dd (12) is autistic and has LD she has very little contact with her father and didn’t see him for 2 years, however she has become absolutely obsessed with having a father, she speaks about having a father all day every day, it’s the only thing she says, she will say where is my father constantly, she will ask me to find her a father in the street?! If we’ve been out that day she will ask me why I didn’t find her a father, she tells me to marry someone so she can have a father, she’s just completely fixated with it. But it has got worse, she is now approaching men in the street and asking them if they are her father! She will shout there is my real father at them! She is trying to chase men saying they are her father, she will scan the area wherever we are looking for men to ask, I can’t cope with this anymore it is extremely humiliating and embarrassing. She has done it 3 times today a man on the train sat next to her and she said “you are my real father” he looked so confused I was so embarrassed. I can’t take her out when she is doing this, I don’t know how to make her stop I’ve had conversation after conversation with her and she just doesn’t get it. She has learning difficulties as I said so she just stares blankly at me then says “ where’s my father” she just repeats the same questions over and over. Please does anyone have advice on how I can get her to stop this? Perhaps it would be cute on a 2 year old but she is 12 and I don’t know how to make her understand this behaviour isn’t acceptable. She is making me look like I don’t know who her father is! I’ve never known of a child to act like this and I just feel at a loss.

OP posts:
Nooyoiknooyoik · 22/03/2023 21:32

Is there an obsessive compulsive element to it I wonder? Would it be worth videoing her doing this and showing your GP?

Randobelia · 22/03/2023 21:33

Can you ask your dr for help? Or a referral to a psychologist?

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/03/2023 21:35

Gosh that sounds really really difficult OP.

I suspect it is fairly clear to people that she has LD though, and they are surprised rather than horrified, so I really try not to feel humiliated, I think anyone with any sense knows that children with SN present a lot of challenges.

Clearly she needs some work with a therapist to help her begin to manage and understand this, and to help you manage her and your feelings in the meantime. Can you speak to her school / doctor / support organisation about this?

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D0tty · 22/03/2023 21:44

preferably print out a lots of photos of him and a social story to go alongside? ‘This is your father, his name is Bob. He has blue eyes, brown hair and works as an electrician. A year ago he took you to McDonald’s. You can Skype him once a month. You can next talk to him on x date.

D0tty · 22/03/2023 21:45

‘Bob lives 100 miles away in Manchester. He likes football and rugby. Bob loves you

SpinningFloppa · 22/03/2023 22:06

Sadly I don’t think people are that aware of learning difficulties/ sen as they just give her really funny looks the man on the train today looked so confused and awkward and kept giving me a funny look, I was so embarrassed as people kept staring at us and like I said it looks like I don’t know who her father is I think that’s what people are thinking (father than thinking she has LD) I’ve thought of books etc but didn’t know if that would make her more obsessed?

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicNameChange · 22/03/2023 22:19

Don't worry about what other people think. They don't pay your bills or wipe your butt.

Is DD's father back in touch? Do you have any pictures of him and you when you were together, pictures of him and her etc?

Start talking to her about him. This is your dad. His name is... He looks ... this way. You have his eyes and the same chin dimple. He works at.... He likes ... . Here is you and him when you were a baby/ at McDonalds/at a birthday party. Remember when you went .... etc.

If he is back in contact remind her what is happening and when. Insert him in conversation casually... oh , you went here with daddy 3 years ago. Your dad also likes Chinese. Make him "real ". He probably doesn't feel real to her at all (especially if he's absent or contact very irregular)and that is very confusing and unsettling for her.

SpinningFloppa · 22/03/2023 23:08

Honestly I would love to not be embarrassed by it but it’s completely mortifying. Her father has seen her 3 times since his 2 year absence but this is sporadic and inconsistent and no set days or times. He will not contact for a month that kind of thing so I think it’s not so much she doesn’t know he is her dad but more that she wants a different dad that actually cares about her and has convinced herself he isn’t her real dad? I haven’t spoken to him about it and won’t be as he either won’t believe me or will think I’ve said things to her to make her feel this way.

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 22/03/2023 23:35

I think I would respond with short but factual replies each time, like a PP suggested. Something like "You have a dad, Bob is your dad". Factual repetition.

meatballsagain · 23/03/2023 07:15

Social story about her father Bob is a good idea.

Then sounds like she needs help to understand (as far as she is able) some bigger picture social norms, so she knows not to approach strangers, and certainly not to harass strangers. Do you have any support from CAMHS or other local service who might be able to help?

SpinningFloppa · 23/03/2023 09:49

Thank you I will give that a try, sounds horrible but I have been ignoring it in the house rather than giving her attention for it so I will try to just repeat the same thing back to her every time. Outside I obviously have to tell her to stop. We are not under camhs or anything at the moment. I know it sounds silly but I feel embarrassed mentioning this to anyone because of judgement, I know there is still a stigma towards single mums and this really isn’t helping.

OP posts:
NewtoHolland · 24/03/2023 07:14

You don't need to tell her to stop out and about, you can have a copy of the story at home and one with you in bag, and repeat the same factual answer to give her the reassurance she needs.

SpinningFloppa · 24/03/2023 11:39

Thank you I will do that. Well I’ve taken the advice and have been repeating “you have a father, his name is bob” back to her every time she says it and it’s actually working surprisingly well!

OP posts:
stopringingme · 24/03/2023 11:48

@SpinningFloppa

My DD gets obsessed with repeating things and we have to say them back to her otherwise she just gets more and more wound up and distressed.

Does she go to a special school as they will be able to help you and put together a social story.

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