If you were on the fence about having a second child, what pushed you do decide either way?

[hippygirllucky]

We have a 15mo DD. Before she came along, I imagined myself with 3 but for the first year of her life I was convinced I was 1 and done.

We've recently been talking about baby number 2 and one day we think "yeah okay" and then other days were really happy with just one and go back and forth on the pros and cons. It's a discussion we have every day nearly!

If you were on the fence about having baby number 2, what made up your mind either way?

Typo in heading! I meant to decide either way 🤦‍♀️

Wanting to her back to work for the good of my mental health. For various practical reasons I stopped working when I was 7 months pregnant. By the time DS was 2 I was desperate to get back.
It was mainly environmental reasons for DH.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you are. 15mo DD and have been back and forth on the topic multiple times with my DP.

I've now come to the conclusion that I'm happy with one. With the rising costs of living, nursery fees (even though only a short time cost), working full time and struggling to find time for ourselves as well as find time for each other I just think having a second would just add so much more pressure to our household.

We would struggle financially to have a second and I'd prefer to be comfortable with one and provide them with a good lifestyle than struggle with two.

It's also worth weighing up if something were to happen to between you & your partner (i.e they left you/you left them or even worse, they passed away - would you be able to/want to look after two children by yourself). It's a bit of a doom and gloom way to look at it but I wanted to cover every eventuality and that was a small part behind my reasoning that no, I definitely couldn't look after 2 by myself.

I do have time on my side as I'm not yet 30, so I could change my mind, however, I personally don't think I could handle looking after more than one.

I was on the fence until my daughter got sick - just a cold- but her sleep reverted to newborn screaming and fighting and taking hours to get her to sleep. That was the nail in the coffin it reminded me how horrible those first few months really are and I don’t want to deal with it ever again

My mum is an only child and always talks of how lonely she was as a child. Her mum was a very difficult person and she had to deal with it alone, her dad died young and she had no one to go through that with. As my parents age and develop health issues I couldn't be without my siblings to discuss it with.

DS1 has a genetic condition so we knew we’d want genetic testing if we were to have a second. We asked for the referral early as we didn’t want to decide we wanted it and then have to wait ages. So we kind of just went along with the NHS referral times. We had an initial consult, it was a bit early for us so they said call when you’re ready. We decided to call when things started opening up slightly with covid as we knew there would be a bit of a backlog. Things were still largely virtual which was good as DH didn’t have to get on the scales! We ended up with the 3 year gap I was kind of hoping for. DS2 does have an entirely unrelated significant health problem though.

So as much as you can plan, life can have other ideas. I guess although we always said we were on the fence, said there was a worry about anything else happening other than the genetic condition, we did keep going along with it so I think really did want another.

DS2 was diagnosed antenatally and we were offered a termination several times and thought very hard about it and did actually have one booked and then cancelled.

It’s early days but I am surprised how much they love each other. DS1 is really the main person who can make DS2 laugh. DS1 wakes up in the morning and the first thin he wants to do is play with DS2. They play together in my bed for a bit whilst I doze for a bit and it melts my heart.

But yes on paper there are a lot of pros to one and done!

I didn't think about it other than knowing I wanted 2 no matter what.

My DC are 18 months apart

I’m in the same position as you, 19 month old DD who is wonderful and life has just started to feel normal and relatively easy again after a difficult first year. Part of me would love to give her a sibling so she always has someone but honestly the thought of doing it all again fills me with dread.

Sorry, not helpful!

@gymgirl11 @Imogensmumma and @WanderingWildflower I think I feel the same. I love being a toddler mum but the first year is tough and I don't know how I survived those first few weeks. The thought of doing it again but this time KNOWING what I'm heading in to terrifies me. Life has just sort of started to become normal again and I keep thinking how happy I am and I don't know if I can do that to myself.

But then, as other posters have said, the companionship and love between siblings is like nothing else and I worry about robbing her of that. It's so hard. But o keep thinking "you don't have to make an unwanted play mate for the child you did want". I know a lot of people don't see it that way but that's the way it would feel for me :/

Imagine yourself in 10 years time, 20 years time, 30 years time, and picture your family scenes/gatherings. Are there siblings at the dining table? Lots of grandchildren? The tough early years are gone so quickly. Think longer term.

I was unsure and it wasn't until DD was 4 that I actually wanted another baby. Before then I had wanted DD to have a sibling, but not necessarily for me to be a mum again- which I did think was a good enough reason. DD was very poorly post birth and I think that contributed to the long delay in me feeling able to make that decision.

Anyway, DD1 is 5.5 and I'm due DS1 in 2 weeks. I'm so glad we waited, the age gap will have pros and cons of course but in my heart I actually feel ready and excited for a baby now whereas I didn't before.

Another one with a 15m DD. My friend with a 15m DS told me she was trying for a second in the summer, yesterday.

I think we'll be sticking with the one and I'm more than happy with that. My husband is starting to spend time away with his job and coping with 2 alone fills me with dread. I can handle one by myself but the idea of a second... no.

We have a lovely life and my mental health is fab, I don't want to mess that up

We were 1 and done, but when DC1 was about 18m DH’s dad died. His mum was already terminally ill (she died a few months later). It hammered home how much family matters to us and the importance of having a sibling. Plus just generally feeling quite emotional about everything made us want to have a bigger family. I’m glad we did - DCs are now primary-aged and despite the fucking endless bickering, being and having a sibling is generally a positive thing in their lives.

@Scottishgirl85 this is what I worry about! Will I look back and think "it would have been tough and endless but I'm sad I didn't do it".

I'm already beginning to think about how this year way awful but it went by very quickly.