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Parenting

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Original poster

Husbands behaviour to 3 year old

12 replies

Lambikes · 21/03/2023 20:38

My husband has become increasingly snappy/angry/shouty towards me since we got married and had our daughter 3 years ago. Never physically violent.

Recently, our daughter has been testing boundaries and pushing a lot of buttons and his temper is getting worse with her too. He is always distracted on his phone so doesn't watch her properly when he should, then when she does something wrong, he jumps immediately to shouting at her/threatening to take treats away etc (having missed all opportunities to avoid the situation because he was on his phone). He's also very blasé about her safety and just always says she'll be OK so that he can ignore her and play on her phone whenever she's trying risky things (like he's so worried about being a helicopter parent, he goes completely the other way).

Anyway, there have been 2 escalations if his anger towards her that, rather than ebbing away like his other behaviour, have upset both me and my DD quite a lot. The first is a time a couple of months ago when she was sleeping in our bed (she usually comes in around 5am and does for a couple of hours). He got mad that she kicked him (not on purpose) turned over and shouted at her, put both his hands under her body and flipped her towards me. She was absolutely distraught. I had very strong words with him and thought it was a one off losing his temper.

This evening, something similar happened. He has a headache so went to bed. After DDs bath, she wanted to say goodnight and check her Daddy was OK
She climbed into his bed with her toy hairdryer and initially all was fine. She pretended to dry his hair but then hit him on the head with the hairdryer. She did this on purpose and I can see why you would be angry. He took the hairdryer off her and shouted no, but then pushed her off of his body onto the bed and it's looked very forcible. She hurt her thumb and was very upset. I checked she was OK, picked her up, told him that reaction was not acceptable and took her downstairs. After about 10 mins, I suggested we go upstairs so that they could both apologise and make up - mainly I wanted my husband to try and make amends. So we went upstairs and I asked him to apologise and give her a hug. All she got was 'sorry, but my head really hurts'. Then he tried to touch her and she just squirmed away and didn't want him. He just turned back to the TV and ignored her like he doesn't care. I tried to calmly to talk to him about how he needs to be the adult and it's not OK to respond like that, but he can't see the problem.

What do I do? Every time I've tried to talk to him about the other behaviour (phone, being too lax with safety) he gets all defensive and angry with me and/or he just makes up excuses for 'needing' to be on the phone. I don't know how to approach it/if there is any external help we can get? I'm also worried these are red flags for the situation to escalate
He wasn't like this before we got married, and I think it's very much stress-related so if there is a way to save the situation then I would prefer to.do that than to break up my family - but longer term, I think that's where this is headed if nothing changes.

OP posts:

VivaVivaa · 21/03/2023 20:50

You know his behaviour is unacceptable OP. Failing to parent a 3 yo and then resorting to shouting and threats is bad enough, but the episodes of physical outbursts are completely beyond the line of acceptable parenting. It sounds like he’s not much of a fan of family life and parenting small kids to be honest. You and DD don’t deserve to take the brunt of this though. If you’ve tried talking to him and he’s not interested then I’m not sure if there is much else you can do other than walk away. He may not be violent at the moment but he’s showing the capability for it with the physicality he’s used towards your DD.

Randobelia · 21/03/2023 20:54

I'd leave him.

Everyone can get angry but what you describe doesn't seem that.

MintJulia · 21/03/2023 20:57

You know his behaviour isn't OK. His anger is already creeping towards physical violence. You cannot trust him to look after her on his own.

Plus he doesn't sound like he regrets his actions. Personally I wouldn't want him in the same house as my child. It's not safe.

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DPotter · 21/03/2023 21:00

Well if he's watching TV his headache can't be that bad can it?

I wouldn't leave him - I'd kick him out. He's behaving in an abusive manner in a defenceless 3 yr old, who is behaving in standard 3 yr old fashion.

Seriously I'd be telling him to leave and if he wants to come back he needs to do some very serious thinking and work on himself

peachgreen · 21/03/2023 21:03

I have had severe PND and lost my husband suddenly when our daughter was 2 so safe to say I have found parenting a challenge. I have never, ever, EVER physically hurt her or put my hands on her in a violent way. I would absolutely leave him for this.

NewtoHolland · 21/03/2023 21:05

Op, it's already escalated.

Perfect28 · 21/03/2023 21:07

So he went to bed with a headache but actually just wanted to watch TV alone? I get migraines and if I have to retreat with one I feel guilty about leaving my partner (although I know I shouldn't) and I would be sleeping it off. He sounds like a shit dad.

Pinkflipflop85 · 21/03/2023 21:08

Your poor child.

Username721 · 21/03/2023 21:08

I know you say he’s never been physically violent but the two scenarios you go on to describe are just that.

carriedout · 21/03/2023 21:09

There is nothing you can do to make him change. The only thing you can try is to explain to him that you are considering separating because this is so serious and you would like him to talk to you properly about it.

But I would not be hopeful. Sorry.

Keha · 21/03/2023 21:25

From reading what you've put OP, I don't think I would try and talk to him about this with your DD there eg going back to give him a hug etc. I think you need to focus on keeping DD safe and potentially her not being in these situations around him. I know this puts all the onus on you and it's not you but her safety has to be first. Secondly do you have a time soon when you will both be at home without DD and not much on when you can have a serious conversation. I think what I would say to him would be that you want him to firstly listen to you before he says anything, then factually state that on x occasions he has been physically agressive with DD and whether he views it as acceptable or not, it is not acceptable to you and he has crossed a line for you and you won't change your mind on that. Then ask him what he feels the solution is and if necessary give him a bit of space to think about it and give you an answer. It might be it's a n answer you don't like such as he doesn't enjoy parenting her and gets frustrated but then you can make decisions on what you do next .

Zippetydooda · 21/03/2023 21:56

Instead of trying to fix something out of your control ( his appalling behaviour) focus on you and your DD.

Of he continúes with his temper and violent outbursts there is the real risk your DD will suffer anxiety and mental health issues as she gets older.

Its extremely traumatic for a child to be set upon out of the blue like that when all they’re trying to do is have a chat and play with daddy. The rejection she feels will take it’s toll if she is subjected to this over and over again.

Save your DD and yourself and get rid of him is my advice OP.

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