School refusing

[scarecrow22]

DD is in y7, and unhappy at school. She found it hard to name and keep friends in primary, where she also felt teased or bullied at times.

Since starting sec school she has continued to find friendship difficult, and understandably (and heartbreakingly) is very upset and lonely.

She is supported by an excellent but very overworked pastoral team, and we are finally making progress with assessing what might be contributing to this.

In the meantime, I face an enormous resistance to going to school, which is getting worse. So far the only strategy which has worked on the worst days is for me to leave the house with her uniform and school bag, and she follows. Then she gets dressed in the cafe by the bus stop (luckily I know the owner!) and either I go on the bus with her or she goes alone.

I've tried getting out her uniform/packing her bag each night to set expectations, and asking how I can help (answers are money for junk food or imposible demands).

I don't shout or get cross, but I have to be very firm or she would seize (even more) control of us all.

I am desperate for advice. My younger DS (again) gets totally ignored, I'm cracking under the combined heartache, practical and emotional stress and guilt, and I'm scared it will get unmanageable if I can no longer guarantee she will leave the house if I do.

Thank you.

I’m almost scared to ask this as I’m sure there will be other posters along soon who get angry that “autism is always brought up on these threads”, but is this a possibility for your daughter?

I wouldn’t discount this as a possibility just because school haven’t raised this or even if they have said she doesn’t have SEN. Most schools seem really behind the times in understanding the way this presents in girls.

”School refusal” (and I don’t use that term as I think it implies a choice not to go and for a lot of children there is not really a choice, they are trying to protect themselves psychologically and it’s actually a really sensible move on their parts, if only adults would listen to what they are communicating with their behaviour) was the first sign that something was wrong with my daughter, at primary age.

Well behaved in school, academically capable, bit anxious… school had no concerns. Just a bit of separation anxiety, they thought.

I knew quite a bit about autism, I though, and have taught students with SEN.

Later on, when DD was having a mental health crisis and the whole world seemed to have suddenly fallen apart, I was asked by a paediatric if I thought she might be autistic. I replied with a confident “no”.

She was diagnosed eight months later. Now it seems so obvious to me that I have no idea how I missed it. But I know what I am seeing now. She isn’t in school now and I am busy fighting a system on her behalf, but she is no longer in crisis and she is much more accepting of herself, she is getting there slowly.

@ShallowHallo

Thank you. I do not mind the suggestion at all, and it was so kindly put.

In y6 DD was screened for autism. It was something I pushed for after having an epiphany in y5. But it was done very hastily as the lead was going on maternity leave. They decided it did not merit a full assessment.

She is now being screened by the school SEN for ADHD (and dyslexia). My strong instinct as her mum is that she has ADHD. I realise they are not mutually exclusive. I also have ADHD diagnosed at 52!

Thanks to an amazing GP (and the totally horrific impact on our family life after she masks so amazingly every day), Achieving for Children has got involved and plan to do something about her mental health. She had bad anxiety, and has very low self esteem, somethings manifesting as low mood. Last week she said "if so does nobody would notice". My heart throbs just writing it here.

Your words about school "refusal" give me pause for thought. My concern though is that DD is also massively controlling with us and that I have to make sure this is not also a strong factor. Plus, given her behaviour at home I am not at all confident I could help her develop even basic schooling.

But thank you for making me think. And I will keep doing that.

Finally, my heart goes out to your courageous daughter. I so hope she keeps feeling better about life.

Excuse me for doing this: bump!

It sounds like your GP and SENCO are being really supportive and I hope they find a way to help your daughter.

Could you speak to school about some different options to help your daughter feel more confident going into school - could she come in later/earlier to avoid crowds / could she work in learning support for part of the day / could she have a 'safe space' to go to if she is feeling overwhelmed etc?

What are her interests? Could she join a team/group to meet other children with similar interests/hobbies?

Ok my thoughts are why are the school doing the screening… they are not given enough training to really manage many sen conditions in school never mind assess.

has gp referred you to peads or camhs?

I would do your own reading around the subject . It is far more common for girls to mask than boys .

From what I know of having a dd who had EBSA (Emotionally based school avoidance) it's never won't attend it's always can't attend. I hate the term school refusal as that implies it is a choice and it isn't. Her anxiety will be overwhelming and forcing her to attend will cause trauma that she might not recover from easily. My dd spent two years out of school but once in a school that better met her needs she had 100% attendance. Google your Local Authority and EBSA they will have resources and policies that you can use to push for support. You need a referral to CAMHS, she may need medication daughter found sertraline helps take the edge off the worst of the anxiety. In our LA school can refer to CAMHS but ask the GP anyway.