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Original poster

Big or small age gap?

22 replies

Emma543 · 21/03/2023 07:17

Just after general opinions basically!
Currently have a 4 month old baby and always wanted two. I wanted to wait until baby around 2 to start trying to conceive again however partner wants to start trying again towards end of this year. His reasoning is basically doesn’t want to wait until we are starting to get our life back and then be back into the newborn stage and would rather go through it now while we still have no life lol.
On the other hand if we wait my little girl will be out at school etc when next baby is here which will give me more time.

interested on other thoughts or your age gaps?
thanks :)

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Bree82 · 21/03/2023 07:23

I have one baby but husband already had kids. They are here a lot and really close etc - the gap between baby and younger is 10 years, and 13 years between oldest.
my husband doesn’t really feel like life changed much routine wise etc as kids are needy at any stage so life is always crazy lol.

obviously it has changed but it just happens so naturally you don’t really think about it.

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 21/03/2023 07:23

I hated having a sibling close in age to me. Nothing was mine for very long, it all got passed down straight away. He was in the school year below me which meant we moved in similar social circles so I was never rid of him. We didn't get on our entire childhoods and don't really speak now.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 21/03/2023 07:27

If you are successful at the end of the year you’d have a 20 month gap. Which is what I had. It’s hard work for the first year but really lovely to watch kids growing up so close. They tend to play together more and go through stages at the same time.

I also have a third and have a neatly 4 year gap. That one was easier for me but it’s harder to meet her needs along the other two as they get older. She’s not quite at the same stage as them. Any bigger gap would really exacerbate this.

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Bree82 · 21/03/2023 07:27

Siblings closer in age do tend to fight more lol (maybe not all) but in my case they older kids do. But they have so much patience with the baby!
i had worried about too big an age gap (pregnancy didn’t happen so easy for us) but the big gap has been great - they’ve never been jealous etc, they are obsessed with baby, to them baby is always cute/amazing/hilarious lol

WhatNoRaisins · 21/03/2023 07:29

I'd also consider the physical side of being pregnant again. Ideally you should wait at least 18 months before becoming pregnant again.

There's all sorts of pros and cons to different age gaps. What sort of support do you have with your children? Are you going to potentially need to pay for two in nursery at the same time.

I must admit I felt a bit like your DH though and we have a 2 year gap.

HiImTheProblemItsMe · 21/03/2023 07:31

I have 3 with 2 years between each. It's lovely really. I think in an ideal world I'd have waited until dc2 was 3 before ttc again, but for various reasons, it made more sense to have a smaller gap for us.

Bree82 · 21/03/2023 07:33

I think what we age gap you have you can make it work..
everything just falls into place

Thisisthedawningoftheageofaquarius · 21/03/2023 07:34

Have a two year gap and I love it - the kids are great pals for each other and I love seeing them so close.

it was great having the second maternity off and hanging out with 2 Yr old so much.

the problem with a bigger gap is you get out of the baby stage - when you are done with the sleepless nights, nappies and being so tied to naps it’s v hard to go back. Really surprised so many people in the thread are going for a big gap 🤷‍♀️

Advancedpie · 21/03/2023 07:38

I wanted a max 2yr age gap so as they grew they'd be able to do the same activities and have a close relationship. It worked for us.

yikesanotherbooboo · 21/03/2023 07:40

I found a smallish ( 18 months) gap easy. I was still in baby mode and the DC had each other to play with. We moved house several times over that period so I wasn't really working and in total had 2 years as a SAHM. When I did start again DC2 was very young but I always felt they had the familiar face of DC1 to reassure them.

SallyWD · 21/03/2023 07:42

There are 2 years 3 months between our two - so I was pregnant with my second when my first was 18 months. It was pretty intense to have a baby and toddler but generally I think it's a good age gap. They always played together. Had some fights but that's normal! Now my eldest (a DD) is 12 and my son is 10, my DD suddenly seems much older than DS! She's going g through puberty and he's very much a little boy still. They still play together but not as much.

Twizbe · 21/03/2023 07:43

While your DH can have an opinion it's you that has to go through pregnancy, birth and potentially breastfeeding again.

Try when you're ready.

FWIW I have bang on 2 years between mine and it is lovely that we're out of the baby stage now. I'd not want to go back to newborn stage again.

shakeitoffsis · 21/03/2023 07:44

3years 2 months between my girls and so far it's great. Littlest is 6 months now and big sis loves her. Pregnancy wise it was a good gap too because 3 year old understood when I was struggling and also now she can entertain herself for a bit whilst I tend to baby if required.

cheercaptain · 21/03/2023 07:51

I have 3. I have 5yrs btw my first 2 and 2yrs between my younger 2. I prefer the longer gap. To start with I didn't have 2 in nursery at the same time😉

TooBusyGazingAtStarss · 21/03/2023 07:58

I would say it depends on much support you have and how good your finances are.
I have a 14 month age gap between by two boys, 2 & 1 year olds, nearly 3 & 2.

I felt so alone after my second. I probably had PND but was just so busy trying to keep everyone alive that I just couldn't think about it.

I cried most days when my second was a newborn.
My first has never been a great sleeper either and I was absolutely exhausted and drained. Still am but not to the same degree.

If you have a village to help, go for it.
If not, id wait til your first is more able to do things for themselves x

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 21/03/2023 08:48

My daughter is now 3 so I'm at that stage where people who had their children around the same time who wanted smaller gaps have.
It doesn't look great tbh, they're all struggling. They have all said they wished for a bigger gap as the oldest is still very young, doesn't understand and they've got a little baby is the mist of toddlerhood.
I've been ttc for the past year for a second and I thought that would be the right time for us. A couple of our friends have a 3-4 year gap and have found the transition good and the older sibling can 'help' if they want and aren't as dependent.
My sibling age gap is 4.5 years and my husband is the same age gap with his sister and we're both close to our siblings.
This is just my observation!

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 21/03/2023 08:50

Also i found the baby stage easier than toddlerhood! Couldn't imagine having a newborn with my then 2 year old!

massifcentral · 21/03/2023 09:01

Having sodded up a lot of parenting things, the age gap, by hook or crook, is one of the few I got right.

We started trying for no. 2 when baby no. 1 was approaching 18 months. He was bf twice a day but ready to give up, and I weaned him completely before getting pregnant. (Suffer terrible morning sickness and am at low end of normal weight range, so couldn't have managed feeding two besides myself.) No. 2 was born when no. 1 was 27 months old, two school years apart.

Besides the problem of exams at the same time at 16/18, I would say that two school years is the ideal gap. It might also be the most common gap, so your children will know lots of other children with a sibling in the same class as their own sibling. It's big enough to allow the older child a complete baby/toddlerhood, but small enough that they will genuinely enjoy doing the same things.

As an only child, the joy of seeing them interacting and playing is wonderful. I notice that friends with age gaps of 3 or more years tend to have less interaction between the children, particularly if they are also different genders. I would rather have an eighteen month gap than a four year one. Having said this, all of the sibling pairs I know with an eighteen month gap have a difficult relationship (even when there are subsequent children), and the older child seems much more prone to violent jealousy and rage.

Peppadog · 21/03/2023 15:01

I have a slightly different view to most posters. I have three children, the first age gap is 3 years 9 months and the second is 2 years 5 months.
i got to really enjoy my first. He was 3 before I got pregnant. He showed no jealousy and adored his sibling and still does. They play together all the time (now aged 3 and nearly 7). There is no competitiveness because the gap is large enough, and the eldest one was more patient with his toddler sibling due to being older. I got to enjoy half of my maternity with my eldest at school and got to settle him into school whilst not working. It was blissful and easy.

The 2.5 year gap has been nice but harder, I felt more guilty, he still seemed so young and needy and would look at me with these big eyes when I was holding the baby. I cried a lot.
Having said that both gaps are great and I'm settled down now and happy, and if we have another I'll go for a 2.5 year gap (ideally) due to my age and not wanting the spread to be too large.
But for 2 children only, don't underestimate the benefits of a slightly larger gap.

FrumptyMumpty · 21/03/2023 23:57

Closer together.

I had three under three and wow it was tough, right until my eldest started school full time it was rough.

Then we finally turned the corner and we’re this unit who can do everything together, not like the ones with bigger age gaps who always need to split into age appropriate groups for everything.

I know someone with a 13, 11 and 4 year old and it’s a disaster. Teen hormones, tween annoyance and toddler tantrums. Can’t do anything without someone being bored or absent.

A few mums have 9, 5, 1 year olds and they got that one to one time with baby with no one to one time with the older children.

The only bad thing about small age gaps is that the baby phase is over so quickly but we’re making up for it.

Batshit123 · 22/03/2023 09:48

If you're only having two then leave a 3 year gap. Still close enough to play but you get to really enjoy the toddler before the baby comes and the baby when the toddler is more independent.
Apparently 3 years is the ideal gap from a child's perspective as they get the one on one during the pivotal time of developing.

Paturday · 22/03/2023 09:52

Aw! I like the baby stage (do you?) and it goes so fast, why would you want to rush through it all?

I have a 2.5 year gap, which was nice, and then a 4.5 year gap - so almost 7 years between oldest and youngest. They love each other! Also having both the oldest 2 at school means I get 1:1 all week with the baby. Really nice.

The baby is almost 1 and now is the age I would definitely NOT want to be heavily pregnant/juggling a baby. Climbing stairs, standing in the high chair, general dirt and mess of a toddler, having to get down on the floor and play etc. Also the input of helping them learn to walk, learn to talk, the roll/run away during nappy changes etc. Doesn’t sound fun with a newborn in the mix!

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