4 1/2 yr old with severe separation anxiety

[MEK18]

I don't know if anyone can help me with this. My daughter started school in September, and she has absolutely LOVED it until about two and a half weeks ago when she suddenly turned into hating it. Her father and I have been separated for 2 and a half years and she has never had a problem going to his house either until the same time. It is like she just wants to be stuck to me like glue 24/7 and becomes hysterical when she has to go anywhere that I am not.

When I say hysterical, she is crying, hyperventilating and one day last week it got so bad she made her self sick at school. She then got sent home for two days, as is policy, so she got exactly what she wanted.

She said to me a few weeks ago that a little girl in her class told her that her mummy had died and she had to get another mummy, and she then told me she didn't want me to die and didn't want another mummy. Around the same time, she was also poorly with a tummy bug which lead to a urine infection, while she was at her Dads. This is obviously the trigger as I feel that she doesn't know that I am safe when she cannot see me. As soon as we are back together, she is perfectly fine.

She also continuously complains of feeling sick and tummy aches. I have taken her to be physically checked over - they suggested some parasite medicine just in case (there was a case of worms in her class) which she has had, but my gut tells me it is anxiety related as these symptoms always seem to appear when we are on our way to school or she is with her Dad.

Her behavior is also becoming bad (she has always been such a well behaved and confident child) which is causing her to get in trouble with her teachers, her dad and myself as she wont listen, which is in turn, making her anxiety worse and she doesnt want to go to these places through fear of being told off.

My question is, how on earth do I help her get over this? Its breaking my heart seeing her so upset going to places she has previously loved.

I have tried pep talks, offering rewards if she goes to these places without tears, I am constantly re-enforcing her good behaviour and trying to remind her of how much fun she has when there etc. but nothing seems to be sinking in.

Any advice anyone could give me would be really appreciated.

Thank you

@MEK18 Hi I'm in a Similar situation and wondered your little one got on and if she is still suffering from her anxiety? Or did it resolve itself?? Thanks

Don't punish.
Role play with soft toys to act out what happens and what she wants to happen/what she is worried about.
Don't push away or force to do things, it won't improve it. Give her the time to feel secure again, then reintroduce.
It's so young for some kids to be at school. And at 4 she hasn't got a real understanding of time, so going to her dad's she can't tell herself she'll be home soon or anything. Is it possible to take a break from the visits and have him come to you or not?

Hiya, the short answer is that yes, she has got much much better. We have the odd blip here and there now when she gets anxious about doing things without me and when she still wants to stay at home with Mummy but as PP said, I do think that her age has helped as she has a better understanding now that I do come back and she is not going to be away from me forever.

It took a lot of patience, a lot of reassurance, a lot of kindness and support but she eventually became more comfortable being away from me again. We also started journaling which I found helped her express her emotions so we could discuss them. The book i have linked below is good for this as it caters to younger children.

https://happyselfjournal.com/collections/all-journals/products/my-first-journal

A couple of good books as well - The Worrysaurus and The Invisible String are really good ones that I felt helped too.

Unfortunately, she was allowed to watch Home Alone over the holidays (not by me, I hasten to add!), which did set it all off again as she then became worried that she was going to wake up and I would be gone. That being said, she came around to the understanding I would come back to her, a lot quicker this time around.

I hope it gets better for you as I know how heartbreaking it is to make them go to places when they are adamant they don't want to and having to peel a crying screaming child off and force them into school.