How to stop seeing the negative

[wonderwall2]

I'm starting to turn into my mother, which isn't good as she's a negative aperson, always comments on negatives, and never seems genuinely happy with her lot.

I'm looking for any tips on how to see the positives. I genuinely don't even think I smile around the house that much. Feel like I'm always worrying, working, organising. I do have fun with my children and spend time playing and being active in what they do, but I feel surrounded by something negative. Don't think it's depression, I honestly think it's learned behaviour.

For example, last weekend my children and I saw friends out for lunch. All I could think of when I got home was my oldest child's behaviour (which overall was completely fine, but a few moments of being a bit rude/asking for something sneakily from another adult/talkingwith mouth full etc - rude but not unusual behaviour for 7 year old). Yet when I got home, all I could think about what what a brat (I thought) they'd been and how rude, and that I'd been a rubbish parent not to instil more formal manners. I didn't mention any of this to my children as they had a wonderful day and I really don't want to make them feel dragged down.

Any advice on how to feel less crap, and also for more importantly how to not think the odd bit of bad manners means I have spoilt children.

Even writing this, I know it looks like I probably need a counsellor to talk to.

It's all about your standards you set yourself. It sounds like you expect a good parent to be one that's perfect, and that is not the same.

A 'good' parent won't have children with completely perfect behaviour, because that's impossible. A child who has 'good' behaviour won't behave perfectly all the time, because that's impossible.

We're human. Children will be children. People have different ideas about levels of parenting anyway. It's all completely subjective. One person's idea of being an amazing parent will be very different to another's.

You need to lower your standards. And by that I mean not letting your child mess about more, but redefining what your idea of being a good parent is.
Also, when your children do misbehave (which they will sometimes, because they're children and they're still learning, and they're not perfect), deal with it the best you can, then move on. Don't let yourself overthink it and take it personally. It isn't helpful.
It might be more helpful in fact, to think about 'good parenting' being more related to how you deal with behaviour, than how often misbehaviour actually happens.

Even writing this, I know it looks like I probably need a counsellor to talk to. I was going to suggest this. Your standards are excessively high, but you've identified the likely cause which is your upbringing.

You can unlearn it, learn a happier way.

I look at my kids and consciously list positive things.

A gratitude journal could be helpful.

Negativity is often a learned mindset and it can be unlearned. Gratitude journaling helped me to focus on positives instead of my natural inclination to ruminate on negatives.

If you feel yourself thinking about something negative can you tell yourself to come up with two positives on the subject?

Eg "my child was rude eaelier BUT they helped their siblings get ready and said thank you to me for having such a good day"

Obviously this isn't going to be The Answer, but hopefully it will help to cansel out some negativity. If you can afford counselling that's definitely an appropriate option for yoi

My boss always says don't let perfection be the enemy of very good.