Contact centre closed on day of contact. What do I do?

[mamadance]

Hi, I am looking for some advice. I will try and keep it brief - but I am in a tricky situation.
I am the resident parent.

I share a DS with a narcissistic bully, who has been the most typical type - Abusive, using the child as a weapon, taking me to court for 50/50 custody, smear campaign, financial abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse on handover, post separation abuse, harassment, you know the unfortunate drill! NMO in place atm.

Handovers happen at a contact centre every Saturday for a period of 5 hours. We went to court and this is what was ordered as interim contact until the final hearing in July.
We have been doing handovers there for 5 months, it was every other week and then increased to weekly for the last 6 weeks. The judges are keen for me to “step up” contact to third party but I do not feel ready for it yet. I feel unsafe and uneasy.

My ex partner and his solicitor have sent numerous emails weekly urging me to get rid of the contact centre and lying saying it isn’t going well for DS. He is accusing me of not wanting the best for DS as I put him around “peadophilles, drug addicts and child abusers” baring in mind this is a non supervised contact centre and it’s purely for handovers - so he is wrong in his facts. We are purely here because he abused me on handovers post separation.
he also has made claims DS is so distressed by going to a stranger, however he is absolutely fine. DS sometimes cries saying he doesn’t want to go to “daddy’s house” but the centre staff are lovely and are nothing to do with his upset. DS is not worried over the centre, I wouldn’t put him somewhere that made him distressed and I believe he understands that he will be seeing his dad one side and then meeting me again the other. DS is 2.5 years.

I have now found out his monster of a mother (who has to come to EVERY handover for some reason and is/was a HUGE problem during the relationship and over her obsession with DS) has been asking the manager of the contact centre “if there is anything she could do to get me to get them away from the contact centre” which I find so manipulative - she is now texting my mother asking her to do the same and “urging” her to handover instead. They have tried to trick me into doing third party handovers by deliberately forgetting DS bag and insisting they drop it back to my mother and refusing to take it back to the centre - to try and use it to say there is nothing wrong with third party as a bag handover was fine.

The Centre is closed on the 8th April, and now I am getting more and more emails through the solicitors and himself and now his mother about how I HAVE to drop the Centre.

I feel backed into corner, forced to make decisions I do not want to make and I don’t know what to do. I know the centre isn’t there forever and it will be third party eventually, but my life has been like this for so long where he puts pressure on me from all angles, him, his solicitor and his mother until I crack.
I feel like I am being suffocated with it and I hate checking my emails and phone and I just want to hide under a rock away from it all, I feel like I’m being harassed and bombarded still with court threats and demands and it’s draining me.

The order states there is to be contact through the centre Saturday weekly and any changes to be made agreed by both parties via the solicitors only - so his mother shouldn’t be texting my mum. This is not the first time she has done it.

I’m scared if I say no to third party that I will be in trouble with court (they always seem to let him get away with everything and not very favourable to the mother/victim as per usual) but I feel like if I come away from the centre now I’m scared this will give him back the power to just harass me until I make decisions in the future, it's worked in the past and it’s working now.

is there anyone who has been in this position? I just don’t know what to do.

Advice appreciated in advance x

Follow the order thats in place. If the contact centre is closed on one of the dates, choose a different date during the easter break to make up for that day

Allow your solicitor to deal with the communication and ask your mother not to get involved or communicate (if you dont want that communication taking place of course)

A court isnt going to see you as doing anything wrong by continuing to abide by the order. if they want the contact centre dropped then they need to go back to court to ask for that and then the courts make the decision

I forgot to add too, I receive the most awful contact calendars made by himself with the most hectic arrangement of all these dates, times, over nights, and it’s inconsistent and ALOT. He demands that over nights start happening now and immediate changes to DS whole life and routine. Ignoring the fact he is 2.5years old and wants him to have such a hectic life and random bee times and no routine.

He has been told by DS nursery that he isn’t to contact them anymore unless it’s welfare check on DS as he has non stop called them and emailed and demanded via text they reply about details of DS also the dates and times and who picks him up and drops him off at nursery.
They called him for a parent/teacher call and they said DS has developed so well etc. and it was very positive. He has taken this conversation and manipulated it to suit his agenda and told my solicitor that the development is purely down to him having contact with him weekly for the last 6 weeks… so he has been sending emails saying I MUST increase contact now as it is purely down to him that DS has developed.

so it’s constant, even sending DS to nursery is stressful as he is on their case too. All of it is just doing my head it and I feel like I can’t escape it!
I wish I could get away with DS for a nice holiday or visit my family in the other countries they live in.. but for over a year he hasn’t allowed me to travel out of the country with DS…. Control freak.

@bellac11 the centre is only open on Saturdays.

there is another centre that can be used but it has to be paid for, he has said before he wouldn’t pay it and it would be down to me. It’s £80 and I cannot afford it.

im also worried that changing to a different centre may be unfair or confusing for DS as he is used to that centre?

For support and the best advice speak to your l

Your local domestic abuse service. You do not have to be bullied into changes. Would nursery provide letter about his harassment of their staff? Your mum needs to screenshot and print the texts to with a signed statement about his harrasment of her.

Then I would offer either no contact due to the closure, or if he wants to see son that day then he pays for the other contact centre

Your son wont be confused by another contact centre, at work there is very rarely any consistency with what contact centres are used due to capacity and availability.

But again your solicitor needs to be dealing with all this, send all messages to him. You work to the order you have, if he is unhappy with the arrangements then he needs to go back to court.

In terms of overnights when I went to court they were quite happy for me to write in that DD would not start overnights until she was 4 years old.

When we moved on from the contact centre we did change overs at the local library to begin with. However it doesn't sound like you are ready for that and evidence of his (and his mother's) continual harassment of you, your family and the nursery are evidence of this.

If the contact centre is closed its closed.

Also are you sure you can't take him on holiday? Perhaps it's not the best time right now but most resident parents can take the children out of the country for up to 28 days without the nrp permission. A court wouldn't look badly at a weeks holiday.

Any letters his solicitor sends mean nothing, he can waste his money and send as many as he likes it's the court that matters.

Thank you for your replies. I am hoping to have a call with my solicitor tomorrow and try and try and offer the other contact centre on a different day and if he refuses to pay for it then he misses out on contact - then at-least I offered. The nursery have said they don’t really want to be involved as they should be “neutral” however I’m sure if I had a proper conversation with them and I told them how much they have been harassing me through the solicitors they might be willing to write a statement.

@Singleandproud Im under the impression you have to have a lives with order to be able to take your child away without the consent of the other parent. im hoping that is what I would get and like you said with over nights, until they are 4 would be ideal for me too. I just want to be able to fully communicate with DS before all of that happens as it will be a huge change as he never has stayed away from me before.

If it comes to it sometimes courts will direct agencies/organisations to give information to the court so they may be required to provide records of communication anyway

Not been in the situation but I think his mother is harassing yours, she should consider going tot he police.

Whilst you’re clearly concerned about your ex’s behaviour, you need to be very careful to not be seen as causing parental alienation. Have you ever lived together as a family? If so, what’s your reason for your ds not spending a night with his father? If it’s because he’s never spent a night away from you, that’s not a strong enough reason. If it’s because his father cannot look after him that’s a different matter.
Regarding the contact centre, why can you not change the day when it’s closed? Or why can your mum not do the drop off? Is she willing to do so?
Nursery is correct in that it cannot become involved in your disputes unless it’s impacting on your ds. They can complete a report on their communications with him, but can’t report on what you tell them has happened.
As far as him preventing you from taking your ds abroad, he is within his rights to do so within the law. If you have family living abroad, he may be worried that you’ll take ds and not return. That’s a very real concern.
Do you have someone impartial you can talk to - it can be very difficult trying to co parent with someone you really want to have nothing to do with anymore. Sometimes it’s hard to see the bigger picture. Think about what you’d want for your ds in an ideal world.
I found the only way to do remain sane when my dd was little was to have absolutely no contact - my sister did the communicating and hand overs were at the childminders - but this was before the advent of the internet and smart phones!

One of the best things you can do is not respond to ANY of it

You have to view him/his solicitor/his mother as ALL bring him

So you send one email to the solicitor with one line: "As the contact centre is closed 8th April, contact will resume the following week on the 15th"

And NOTHING else - you need to wait until you are compelled by a court

It is in YOUR interest for him to become more and more aggressive as he doesn't like that one line response - log all contacts from all of them and take them back to court

You are getting CMS? If not, file a claim

Soontobe60

Did you not read the paragraph where he ASSAULTED her at a handover, hence why the court determined a contact Center - they never do this on a whim, they do it with a mountain of evidence of abuse

Oh I've been there.

I think offering him the choice to pay at the other centre is probably the right thing to do. It keeps it within the terms of the court order but shows you are not blocking contact unnecessarily.

I would be very surprised if you don’t have a residency order if there’s a court agreed contact schedule. Check your paperwork.

If that’s the case then you can absolutely leave the country for up to 28 days.

And I would get your mum to report the harassment to the police.

Could you offer to do handovers outside your local police station if he insists on the 8th? Give him the option of that or paying for the other contact centre and then if he refuses you can show you gave him various options that still kept you safe.

Is your mother replying to his mother's texts?

I suggest you refrain from making any more comments on any threads about abusive ex’s. You are clueless and your comments are dangerous.

OP, ask your sol to go back to court because he cannot stick to the court order and is harassing you. Court can compel nursery to make a statement about his behaviour with them.

@Soontobe60 its funny you should mention “parental alienation” because that’s the classic term that has been thrown around by my ex abuser even though he has seen him weekly since we separated. He is a huge drinker and cannot care for DS without his mother there and never has. So yes I’m concerned. I may mention again he assaulted me on a handover in front of DS and also that is what made me leave in the first place. Everything has always been in front of DS so I am within my rights to protect DS as much as I can from someone who is violent in front of him.
Third party is an option of course but later down the line when I have not been forced into a decision. I have no trust with him yet and I feel it’s not right to drop the centre after 2
months of harassment. Abuser is still in control then.

my mother hasn’t replied to her messages, in the last hearing he was told that his mother isn’t to contact mine as communication is to only be through solicitors. I wouldn’t say she has harassed my mum as it has only been one long text so far, but I am expecting more.
It’s so hard dealing with people like this because every step I take is wrong anyway. If you give these people an inch they run a mile.

@Soontobe60 Wow! Your advice is dangerous....

OP, make sure you screenshot your Mum's texts from his Mum and email them over to your Solicitor. He/she will need to submit that to court for the next hearing

Just be aware that where a contact centre is court mandated it's usually only for a set period unless the parent is considered a threat to the child and they need supervision. We run such a centre. After 6 weeks those who aren't supervised are asked to make private arrangements eg through a parent or friend if they can't face their ex, because we simply don't have space.

I was going to say this. Your mum doesn't need this.

I really wouldn't involve nursery. It's your little ones safe space away from this shit cause by their dad